this is for the special adopted children and parents?

Question

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted."

"What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child.

"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"

Answer 1

Very sweet story and nothing wrong with telling your children that. I dont think that people who do say such a story to their young children (as if they can understand what a uterus is) intentionally "deny" the birthmother of anything. Lighten up Marsha R...not a big deal. So when your children ask you where babies come from you tell them your uterus?? Man, must be fun in your house..........so serious you are.

My 7 year old was told, when he asked where babies come from when he was 4, that he was a twinkle in my eye. Now that we are adopting I told him that I have another twinkle. By me saying this does not mean I am disrespecting the birthmom. I KNOW where babies grow, my son doesnt need to know that right now.

UPDATE: I think Richard hit it right on.....couldnt have said it better myself. LIGHTEN UP, those of you without a sense of humor....it really is not that big of a deal when you are talking about little children. I know people who dont tell their BIOLOGICAL children the truth about the birds and the bees until they are old enough. Settle down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I suppose you dont haver the toothfairy at your house either hey what about SANTA CLAUSE do you not celebrate Christmas cause Santa is not real and perhaps some could say that it is disrespectful to the true meaning of Christmas?

Answer 2

Well, God bless you! Any child with a disability is harder to adopt out. There are not enough good souls like yourself that want to "deal" with the "problems" those kids have. So sad. As an incentive, they make the adoption of special needs kids "cheaper" (I hate the words in parenthesis, but I can't think of better ones). My husband and his ex-wife are white and they adopted 2 bi-racial children. They were in the special needs group because: white people didn't want them because they look black and black people don't want them because they are part white. Ignorance abounds! You absolutely can tell them that you prefer a deaf child! I am certain they have all types of requests, but that is a great one! Also know that the "other" kids have a better chance of being adopted, so it is great that you want to help out a little one that most would see as a "burden". *adoptee and 7 year foster parent (also, step-mom of 2 adopted children)

Answer 3

I have a hard time understanding how someone who wasn't adopted, hasn't adopted, or hasn't surrendered can weigh in on whats right and wrong in adoption.

I also have a hard time listening to anyone who isn't adopted, and who discredits the words of the adoptees, who were told these same cheesy lines growing up by society. Thankfully my amom had the common sense not to say this dirt to me.

Adoption doesn't mean that I grew inside my mothers heart, or that God chose my aparents for me. Sure its a way to tell a little girl a fake story because the TRUTH of her experience would send her over the edge at any age, but come on people. Everybody knows that raising children based on lies is not favorable, why should society be turning a cheek on all the lies in adoption? If the truth hurts too much that we have to make up these fake little sayings to sugar coat it, maybe we should be addressing the problem and working twords preventing it for the future. Well, at least a few of us are doing that.

Answer 4

When I first read the poem that that saying comes from, I thought it was beautiful and it made me cry, as an adoptive mother. I certainly would NEVER tell it to my child as any sort of explanation of where they came from. It is not meant that way and it is unfortunate that children are being told that in place of information about their biological parents or even having anything to do with their adoption. The poem is from the adoptive mother's viewpoint and I believe with all MY HEART that my son is my son. I know that the one thing I did not do for him was grow him in my own uterus, and I am always grateful to God and to his birthmother that he grew in her uterus. If I could have I would have given birth to this very same child myself.
I really hate when something that is meant philosophically for adults is told to children and they take it literally. This happens A LOT and our culture is usually very willing to let it happen. A friend of mine's father died when his daughter was 3 years old. When the 3 yr old asked where the grandfather would be now, the man told her, "In my heart." I thought that was a very nice sentiment but, I cringed at the thought of him telling this to a 3 yr old. I think it's very similar. Children need to be given INFORMATION, not sweet euphemisms.

Answer 5

Although I understand that you repeat this here out of kindness - for me I do not like these kinds of sayings.

Nothing against you - or others that say it - but I wish that people would start to listen to the adult adoptees and understand that comments like these are very very confusing and conflicting for adoptive children as they grow.

A very large and powerful lobby group in the USA has openly encouraged and campaigned for such poems - and 'correct adoption language' - as they WANT IT TO BE.
They do this as it benefits the adoptive parent.

Check out this page they have -
http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/resources/adoption_terms.html
The lies and misconceptions on this page alone make me weep for all adoptees and their mums.

It does nothing to honor the family of origin.

It does nothing to honor the adoptee.

It's all about how happy the adoptive parent feels.
And why wouldn't they - they receive all the gains in adoption.
Hip hip h.................

Sorry I will no longer join that party.

Added to say - please know - I personally have nothing against adoptive parents - as long as they are willing to learn.
A lot of what we say goes against everything you have ever heard - because the adoption machine in the US has run unopposed for far too long.
It's time for people to hear ALL the stories - not just the happy-happy ones.

Women are being told that it's all peaches and cream to give up their babies.
It's not.
It causes great psychological damage to the mother and the child.
If you do not wish to acknowledge that - you will continue to hurt the child.
Yes - there are children that can NOT be parented by their parents - and they end up in foster homes.
These are the children that truly deserve a break and a loving home.
But far too many women are being talked out of keeping what is rightfully theirs - their child.

Answer 6

A lovely story from a woman who calls herself 'JEW UNIT'. Oy.

As an adopted child, I didn't know what time I was born, and facts about the pregnancy of course, or what hospital I was born in.

I can honestly say, and please listen, non-adopteds, like I was not a part of life here on Earth. This probably sounds silly to people who have taken for granted these things as simple truths, but when they are not a part of your 'story', it is very painful. As a very young child I thought I came from an adoption agency. Not.a.woman. How sad is that?

So your little story, makes my heart heave a bit. It's like telling an adopted child they were delivered by a stork, or the Tooth Fairy. It's flat-out cruel.

So, DirtyRed, Adopt-with-Love, please consider OUR feelings. If you can't SEE or FEEL that this is somewhat irresponsible, you really, really should not be adopting children.

Answer 7

Ugh. I'm adopted and I really don't like that. Its a lie, and its stupid. Some people actually freak out and yell at other people for telling their kids about Santa, but no one seems to have a problem with this?

I just don't get it.

Answer 8

All the adoptive parents I know have enough respect for the mother of their adoptee to never say the child grew in their heart. Why twist nature? Most kids don't have a clue what a metaphor is - in fact, if one is used, they ask for a detailed explanation so they can understand. How do you explain growing in a heart? It's ridiculous. Adoption creates enough lies and confusion, why complicate it even more.

Answer 9

That little story probably should never be used on the sticky sweet factor alone. It's just a little too pat, in a really bad Reader's Digest kind way. I have a feeling that the kind of people who just love that also collect a lot of Precious Moments figurines.

I suppose anyone who would tell the story to a child, or worse encourage them to repeat it, wouldn't recognize that besides all of the very good reasons already stated here not to perpetuate that kind of thing, it borders on abuse of good taste.

Answer 10

That saying is about how adoptive parents feel about their children, but it does not recognize adoption loss for adopted children. It also has confused many kids. They sometimes literally think they grew in their mother's heart while other children grow in tummies. Even if they know it is supposed to be symbolic, it doesn't help them understand adoption or reasons for joining their adoptive family. I have heard both Rosie O'Donnell (who I generally like) and Barbara Walters sentimentally talk about how this is what they always told their children, and it makes me want to gag.

Answer 11

Though sweet on the surface, it really is not a respectful thing to say. Children do not stop thinking about such sweet shallow sayings 5 minutes later like adults do.

If the child doesn't take it literally, then they understand it is figurative - but then they go on to realize that they DID grow in someone else's "tummy." Was it, then, the "wrong tummy" (as Rosie O'Donnell says) and, if so, WHY?

People think saying things like this is harmless, but it is not. Would you pull crap like this on your husband or close friends? Children deserve the same honor and respect as do our other fellow human beings. Children are our equals, as human beings go. Not dumb animals to con or manipulate.