how can i tell her?

Question

I am 15 years old and I have a brother with severe mental retardation. My whole life I have been attatched to this label... having to be a caretaker, and often taking the second seat in order to help my parents deal with my brother. When I was younger, I had very low self confidence and was very embarrased of my brother because often (and still) my peers and community are unaccepting of him. On the other hand, my brother has given me a lot of positive experiences. But my parents do not realize what an impact he has on my life. I come home many days after school and either have to watch my brother or have to help out a paid caretaker that is sometimes rude and unhelpful to my brother. I have seen many children and even adults make fun or stare at him, and my own self confidence has suffered at times because of this. Now my mom wants my to help out at the Special Olympics. I feel awful for not wanting to do it. My whole life I have been attatched to this label, and I would rather

I would rather do something of my own interest. Honestly, part of the reason is because I am still not always one hundred percent comfortable with my brother. I have come a very long way, but not entirely. My mom told me I would be grounded for 2 months if I didn't help out. And I feel really guilty for not wanting to do it... but I really don't! How can I tell my mom how I feel? thank you!

Answer 1

Explain to your Mom how you feel, it sounds to me like your parents expect too much help from you. I think this might be a pretty common thing for kids with siblings who are mentally retarded. Perhaps your family needs to go to counseling. On a positive note I think helping out at the Special Olympics will be a positive thing for you, you might meet other people there who are also siblings of handicapped people that you would have a lot in common with, that would know exactly how you feel. Try not to let other peoples ignorance make you feel embarrassed, just look them right in the eye , say Hi and stare them down. I bet they blink first!

Answer 2

Well first let me say that it sounds like you love your brother very much. Your situation is completely understandable and especially given your age. I think you should try and talk to your mom and point out all the times you have been there for your brother but tell her that at 15 you are beginning to separate from the family. This is normal. Don't feel guilty about it. You are there for your brother in other ways. Try to explain to your mom that you need a breather on this one and that you will come to another function that your brother participates in. Also I would remind your mother that it is you that will probably be involved in your brother's care for the rest of his life, I think you are entitled to a pass every once in awhile. Explaining to mom that even you need "balance" might be key. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 3

It's not fair you have to sacrifice pretty much your social life for your brother. They should be understanding about it, not punishing you for not helping or being involved because you do. You have to let them know how you feel about it either yourself or with a therapist or counselor. Until then you're only going to expected to help.

Do your parents know about the rude caretaker? If not, suggest the caretaker to help because you have plans for that day.

Good luck and by the way you're a wonderful daughter and sister regardless of what anybody says.

Answer 4

It sounds like you are really struggling with your identity - which is totally normal at your age and in your circumstance.
It is important, as a member of a family, to help out as needed. So maybe its not a matter of you not helping at the Special Olympics but more of you doing that AND something else that is just about you.
You really need to have your own hobbies, interests, activities.
The best way to accomplish this is to talk to your mom. I agree you should show her this post. Try to talk to her in a non-confrontational way. Maybe the two of you can come up with a plan for ways to help you through this.

Answer 5

I guess you should try n talk to your mom, I guess she'll understand b'coz u n ur brother r da same for her... Maybe you can start with discussing about ur future career plans n then explaing her dat u do have a life of ur own... But then that doesn't give u the freedom to overlook ur brother... Maybe u can make her realize dat for u, there r some other important priorities to be accomplished alongwith the resposibility of your brother...

Answer 6

You should not be punished for not wanting to volunteer. The special olympics already get lots of people to volunteer so you wont be missed if you aren't there. Mom has to realize that you need to be your own person and have your own needs. I know that Moms of special needs kids can get so wrapped up in them that they seem to forget that their other children need them also. Tell your Mom how you honestly feel or talk about it with your pastor or counselor at school.

Answer 7

Try to explain to your Mom that you have spent your life looking after your brother and once in a while you would like some time just for you. There's a Disney movie that comes to mind that I have seen and it's called "Tru Confessions" about a girl and her twin brother where he is mentally challenged and she isn't. As soon as I read your question it made me think of it. See if you can get it through the movie store or library.

http://disneyvideos.disney.go.com/moviefinder/products/Tru%20Confessions.html

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0296251/

Hope everything works out.

Answer 8

It's okay to want to do your own thing. It sounds like your brother has a wonderful sister who is there to help him out. Maybe your mom will appreciate your efforts and cut you some slack.

Answer 9

You may want to talk to your school counselor as to what's going on. And even ask her to mediate a meeting with you & your parents..


YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN LIFE....as long as you can share some time with your brother.........

Answer 10

Print out your question and show it to her. She might let you off if she realizes how upset you feel.