What should I say to my dying cousin?

Question

My cousin has been diagnozed of the last stage of cancer in summer. It's been a long fight of what is inevitable, and now she is dying any day. I live across the world from them but I called her since the day that she got sick on more than a few occiasons. It's been hard.

I have never been in this situation before. What should I talk about to a person who is dying? I tell her how much I love her, I tell her to be strong. Should I talk about her leaving us? Or shouldn't I? But then she might think I don't know how serious her condition is.

Every single time I call, I am scared but I cannot be selfish and protect myself by not calling. It's not about me, it's about her. So I try to call her because I think it makes her happy because she knows that people care? But what should I say and what shouldn't I say? She is 17 years older than me and we don't have much in common. But I love her. She is my cousin, she is my blood.

It makes everything even harder that it's over the phone and the connection is not perfect all the time.

Please, don't tell me to be there for her and hold her hand. It breaks my heart even more. I emphasized in my question that I live on the other side of the world. I immigrated to the US 7 years ago. Due to many circumstances, I cannot travel to tell her good bye in a person. And although it seems that when it comes to a death of person, nothing else matters, the trip there would hurt me and my family's future here financially.

Answer 1

Just ask her how she's feeling......

and then she will bring up whatever she wants to

talk about...........

Just be there for her, listen to her,

once u pick up the phone, u will feel better, and the

conversation will flow easily!!

tell her you love her, and you'll keep her in your prayers

Answer 2

Make sure she's a Christian. Ask her if she believes in Jesus Christ. If so, tell her that the place she goes to is wonderful and bright and she will be with the Lord. No more pain or disease, and she'll be with all the departed ones that she's missed so much in the past.

Remind her of some of the fun times you've had together. Tell her that she will be missed and you're sorry that she has to go at this time. Tell her that you wish you could be there to hold her hand. But since you can't, is there anything you can do or send?

Then send her flowers. It does not make sense to wait for the funeral for the flowers. She should have them now so SHE can enjoy them. I do this for all the very ill people in my life, and always, always the patient receives comfort and pleasure.

Take care.

Debbie

Answer 3

Suggestion; always make the conversation about nice things, tell her you're always thinking of her; tell her you will send her postcards,(send her some beautiful cards) that way it's like you two are visiting each other. If she is a reader tell about some good books you've read, and take some time to read to her over the phone. If you do this on a regular basis, and the same time, kind of like a schedule, that gives her something to look forward to. Find out things she likes to do. Then let her talk about what ever she wants to talk about. Then tell her you love her, and call her the next time and do it all over again.

Answer 4

The most important thing is to say I love you. Tell her that she is in your prayers (even if your not religious). Ask her if there is anything you can do even though you do not live close. Send her a beautiful card with a poem. If there are any funny memories talk to her about that like "Remember the time that Aunt Mary lost her teeth while eating or something like that." Do not make the situation even more grim than it needs to be.

Answer 5

The very fact that you call her every day speaks volumes in itself. I am sure she knows you love her, but it's still great to hear you say those words "I love you" even if it has to be over the phone. I am also confident that she knows you are aware of her condition. Those words don't need to be spoken, as long as she knows you care through your words and actions.

If she is ready to talk about her inevitable departure then she will bring it up herself in conversations with you. You can take it as a cue from her that she is willing to speak openly on that subject, & that she is ready to hear about your own feelings about it, so be prepared to be honest with her.
I am sure that dying is on her mind, & she is preparing herself in her own way.
Your involvement in this time in her life is probably more valuable to her than you can even imagine, so I encourage you to continue in the way that you have. The only additional suggestion that I might offer, is to try not to convey too much sadness over her condition. As you said, you call her in an effort to lift her spirits. It would be counterproductive to that effort if all you did was cry over the phone to her. Sure there will be times when it will be very appropriate to have her hear you cry, so go ahead & cry if you must. But try to initiate and end each call to her with your own spirits lifted, & she will receive that uplifting even though it's from across the world.

I wish you more happiness!

Answer 6

You need to talk with them like they were still kicking. I've had three heart and two back surgeries and I can tell you the one thing I hated was people dancing around egg shells around me. Some people are sensitive and scared in this condition but if you know your cousin talk like you would any other day, about music, movies, sports, politics anything. if you've made any peace you have to and let her know how much you cared the important thing is the talking and listening. PEACE to both of you.

Answer 7

You already know the answer to this question because you are already doing it. Reaching out to her is a sufficient. You can tell her you love her, tell her thank you for being your cousin, thank her for being a source of inspiration, tell her you will always remember her and never forget her. Then just chat if she feels up to it or as best the connection allows. Describe to her what you see when you look out your window. Tell her to do the same. Tell her the positive things about your day. Tell her about your great ideas. Just keep reaching out.

Answer 8

being personally beside her would be the best, she doesn't have the time that you have.

ready yourself to try not to act sorry for her if you do.

it's better to talk about what she has accomplished in her life and all the wonderful things that happend.
tears are inevitable but keep the mood up.

nobody wants to die sad and incomplete.

ask what you can do for her in case she might have some unfinished business. this is to allow her to have peace and get ready for the next life in heaven.

Tell her that you love her w/ kiss.

I'm proud of you for being a good cousin.

Good luck!

watch "tuesdays with morrie"
read "Embraced by the light" by betty eadie

Answer 9

Does she know how ill she is? I think you have to be guided by that and also by her. Does she want to talk about what lies ahead? Could you ask her? Maybe she would like to talk about it, maybe not.

You seem a very caring person and I am sure you are saying all the right things. Having recently lost a loved one, I think it is really important to let the her know how much you love her and how much she has meant to you in your life and how much you will miss her. Don't be afraid to tell her. And just be guided by her, by what she wants to talk about. I think just being there for her to listen and to talk will be a comfort to her. I will be thinking of you. God bless.

Answer 10

How awful- huge sympathy. Know exactly what youy're talklng about- lost both parents, grandparents, mother in law and some very dear friends to cancer.

She knows she's dying- so I doubt too many things would upset her.
Maybe you can ask if there's anything she would like for you to do before she passes on?
Also tell her you love her and ask her forgiveness for anything you may have done- and also you forgive her for anything she may have done- it really does give people close of mind.
Both my parents asked if they were right to emigrate with us when we were young (UK-Australia- then later back to UK) - and would I forgive them for me missing opportunites - I just had to say yes and I could see the relief in their eyes.



Just sit and chat about small talk- this is really stupid but when my wife's cousin died this year (age 32 breast cancer)- I told her I felt like tickling her toes- was wearing a blanket which made her toes poke out- it made her laugh. Two days later she died- so I take a bit of comfort in making at least one of her last moments lighthearted and happy for a change.

My advice- anything you chat about is fine- she probably is very interested about what yuo're doing in your life.
Just chat.
Best wishes

Answer 11

You should talk to her like you always have before, be honest , and keep cheering her up. If your religious and as long as she is then pray with her , yes by all means talk about the afterlife , if she feels comfortable talking about it , and tell her she can talk to you about her fears too , just reassure her that your there for her, keep calling her and talking about your life and problems and this will keep her 'sad life' out of her mind and she will focus more on your life.Just keep her as happy as you can ,if you have any fun memories from past years bring them up, and always tell her that you love her before you hang up.Cause you never know.And if possible go to her spend some quality time with her before she is gone.Sorry to hear your loosing your cousin. I just lost my favorite cousin 2 months ago,she was my favorite and I'm still hurting.Be strong !!