My daughter is dating a boy her dad and I don't approve of. Is is wrong to forbid her to see him?

Question

She will be 18 in 2 weeks and feels that she should be able to decide who she wants to date. The problem is, this boy was recently released from jail for breaking and entering, hasn't graduated and has no future as far as I can see. My daughter is a good girl, going to college and I hate for her to ruin her future by being with a loser like him. She says that since her father and I divorced and remarried, she feels she doesn't belong anywhere and this boy understands her. We have both given her everything and don't understand why she says she feels like this. I am going to take her to counseling to talk about the divorce, but for now, is it wrong of me to tell her she can not see this kid? She thinks I am unfair. She says he is different now and doesn't do bad things anymore. I just would like an opinion from someone neutral.

Answer 1

You can tell her how you feel but she will ultimately do what she wants to do. If you want to feel like you are in charge by demanding that she no longer see this guy, then go ahead, but don't be surprised if she goes behind your back and sees him anything. Get this, your daughter is almost 18, she thinks she is an adult and feels that she is capable of making a decision like this for herself. Let her do it and make her own mistakes. By expressing your dislike for the guy, you are driving her further away from you and closer to him. I do think you should take her to counseling but telling her that she can't see the guy won't do anything. She will do it anyway. If she feels she is an adult, let her continue to see him. He will show his true colors, if he indeed isn't a good guy and she will learn her lesson. Sometimes its better for people to see things for themselves

Answer 2

I went throught this same thing with my parents...here is my take on the situation:
Your daughter is at a rebellious age, the best thing to do is to let her make her own decisions, teenage girls learn best from making thier mistakes. The more you forbid her to see this boy, the more she will want to see him. There is really nothing you can do to keep them apart. You need to understand that this is a phase, she is not going to be with this guy for the rest of her life, most likely she will soon lose interest in him. Also, maybe she is telling the truth when she says that he doesn't do illegal things anymore, people change, believe it or not. One thing is for sure, the more you push her about not seeing him, the further you will push her away from you, the only thing you can do is support her in all her decisions and be there to help her pick up the pieces if and when things don't work out, and that goes for everything in her life, not just with this boy.

Answer 3

There is really nothing you can do. She is about to be a legal adult in two weeks. She can date anyone she likes. A burglar, murderer, rapist, or white supremacist Nazi. Do you really believe that ANYTHING you say or do will break up the relationship at her age?

The more you go on about it, the more you will likely push her away from you and towards him. At her age this kind of thing is going to be a defining moment when she proves to you that you cannot control her any more, and that she is an adult. The bigger an issue you make of it, the more she is likely to rebel.

I'd just let her get on with it. Sadly many girls are attracted to complete losers for all the wrong reasons. I have no idea why it happens. But some girls go through this phase. With any luck she will grow out of it and start dating more sensible guys. I hope that this happens sooner rather than later.

Answer 4

It is too late to forbid her from seeing this guy. At best, you might just tell her to please go slowly. Anything else might make her bond to him stronger. She does feel as if she is being left out and material things are not a factor. Coming from a broken family where both parents remarry does leave a child isolated. Both parents have someone else and that is what happens. The counseling is a good thing. Ask the counselor for advice about what you and your Ex-husband can do to get her to rebuild her self esteem. Try to get him involved too. Good luck!

Answer 5

I think it depends upon what your daughter and the boy are doing. Is he trying to be on the straight and narrow right now, or are they out partying, drinking and doing drugs? If he is making an effort, then let it alone.

Perhaps this kid has plans for college or has goals set? I hope so... meanwhile, DO go to counseling...

I think that, by putting the guy down and telling your daughter how awful he is, and that he's a loser, you are reinforcing her desire to be with him.

take care.

Answer 6

To be honest, you should watch the movie the Breakfast Club. Check out Molly Reinwald's character. Your daughter knows this guy is not her type. That's the point of her being with him. she is actually using him as a cry for help. Basically to get the attention of you and your ex-husband. Counseling may help. But forbidding her to see him is only going to get her to SNEAK and see him. My suggestion is to actually meet the guy, even if you don't like him, talk to him, see what he is about. The more you start to make him feel comfortable with you, and respect you more, the more your daughter is NOT going to like him. This works every time.

Answer 7

Counseling is a good idea... provides a way to express and clear the air and let the healing begin... with a professional referee present!
If the girl is in rebellion, any forbidding will only make him that much more attractive.
If anything you need to talk to her in neutral terms about "relationships" in general... to look carefully at what each friend brings to the table. The drama queens, users, hoods, mooches and gossips need to be avoided, while she really needs to spend more time with people who have insight, wisdom, a good shoulder to cry on and are your cheering section.
People who think they are entitled to the finer things without earning them are going to attempt to "teach her a lesson".
All I can say is tell he to keep her scopes up and look for tell-tale signs that he isn't exactly on the up-and-up.

Answer 8

You can forbid it, but I think you'll be shooting yourself you in the foot and making things worse. In 2 weeks when she turns 18 (which makes her a legal adult), she can see anybody she wants and doesn’t need your consent to do it. Of course, you can then tell her 'if you live in my house (and I assume she does), you follow my rules' so, she can pack her bags and move right into boyfriend's house, and I sincerely doubt that you want to push her into doing that.

If it were my child, I'd certainly encourage her to end the relationship (at every available opportunity), but I wouldn’t forbid it. Now if she weren’t turning 18 in 2 weeks, it would be an entirely different story.

Answer 9

Show your daughter you care let him come over agree with her cus the more she is around the house with him the less you have to worry what there doing when they're out. I mean 18 is around the corner. See if he is going to get his GED and see where his head is at now that he is out of jail, how old is he? The more you show interest the less interested she will probly be. I was there at one time but i was the daughter who was forbidden to see the boy and i winded up having a kid when i was 17 b/c i snuck around my parents back! When your told that you can't do something you do it anyway and you do it out of spite. So be her friend let him come to you not her go to him.

Answer 10

Well, let's see.... She's almost 18, feeling her way through the world and the way I see it, if you try to forbid her to see him, two things will happen:

1. She will keep her life secret from you and see him behind your back;

2. You will lose that fine line between parent and child communication where she feels comfortable enough to share her life with you and ask you for advice.

If it was me, I would sit her down (refrain from words like "loser" because her back will get up and her ability to judge people will be in question) and tell her the following:

She is becoming an adult and has to learn how to make her own decisions and to go with her gut feeling about people. The only way you learn this is from trial and error. You learn how to pick up the signs of trouble but not until you go through these experiences and understand how the "gut feeling" thing works.

You will be there for her anytime that she needs to talk (which will open the door that if she does start having problems with the guy, at least she will be able come to you and you will KNOW there is a problem and be able to help her if the need arises). You want to keep the lines of communication open with her, especially now because she is coming into her own and really, doesn't need to tell you anything. The trick is make her want to confide in you (even things you don't want hear) but your challenge will be to not to have the mother feathers get ruffled when she tells things that might make you cringe.

So, in a nutshell - you want her to come to you so you want to tell her that. Tell her that this is hard for you too cause you love her so much and want only the best for her. But Mom, she has to make some mistakes to learn from them and grow as a person.

It's really hard to stand by and watch our kids make mistakes that sometimes hurt them and that we know they are going to make because we have the life experience to see the signs. How do you think we became this wise??? Try to think back and remember.

All we can do is be there to catch them when they fall, give them a hug and wipe the tears away with love and understanding and hope that they will come to you and your husband when they feel out of their league in dealing with "life" and guys, and stuff.

The biggest thing is her knowing this. She has to feel that the lines are open and that you won't freak out and say those stupid words all teenagers hate: "I told you so - had you listened to me...".

You're in for a learning curve - I'm in mine with my 15 year old son but I have a big stock of Tylenol and a back up supply of hugs ... I'm happy to say that my kid calls me when he's feeling off and we talk and try and figure out what's going on with him.

After some gentle prodding, he follows where I'm going and sees what the problem is and tells me how he's going to deal with it and then asks, "do you think this will work?".

My reward is the following statement from my son:

Mom, I don't what it is but I call you when I don't know even I have an issue or problem and you figure it and just lead me to the solution... Thanks...".

Good luck... There is never a fool proof way and only you know your kid but one thing is universal: Kids and parents need to have a mutual respect for each other and need to realize that although they are our kids, we were once kids too who knew nothing until we had our life experiences to learn from.