i'm still not over what he did to me?

Question

see my ex cheated on me 2yr into the relationship and got the girl pregnant and well the ***** had the baby. well me and him dated for almost 5 yrs and i still hate him, the baby, and her. I wished all of them would die especially the baby and her. I mean if ur going to cheat at least use protection. Well me and him broke up like 6 months ago when the baby was 3 months old b/c the more it was mentioned the more i thought about killing the baby. i know its the baby's fault but thats how i feel. I still haven't gotten over it people tell me that i should be over it by now but i'm not . It still upsets me b/c i loved him dearly he was my first love and i can't figure out why he would do this to me. He still wants to be with me but theres no way i'm taking him back. I feel like i have been betrayled b/c i was here first and him and his mom who i was really close to should not accepted the baby. what do u think? how do u move on from something like this happing.

i'm having a hard time putting it in the past and moving on. ever since this has happend i don't trust guys and i'm scared to date so thats why i've turned to drinking and partying with friends. do u think i should've been over this by now or not?

Answer 1

I feel your pain, my sister, but until you forgive him and the other girl, what he did will continue to have control over you and turn you into a bitter, hateful young woman. Right now you are feeling hurt and disappointed. It sounds like you are stuffing your pain by fueling your anger.

What he did was wrong, but you do not have to make it your wrong by harboring grievances ag. him, the girl, and worst of all the baby. The baby is the only innocent party here.

Forgiving doesn't mean you condone what he or the girl did. It means letting go. Then you will be able to enjoy your own life again and your own peace of mind..

There are plenty of self-help websites and books on the subject of healing after being cheated on. Why not explore some of their suggestions, so that you can move on and enjoy your own life again? Then you will truly be able to party on, with a real sense of freedom and joy, instead of getting drunk and partying in desperation and anger just to stuff your feelings and maybe seek revenge. This kind of partying will harm you.

Also, there must be someone supportive you can talk to Talking to the right person,someone who will not shame you or judge you, someone who has been there, will help you heal and move on. Someone who will let you get it all out, cry, vent, rage, etc. If not (or at least not now), even doing this on your own would help. Write it all down in a journal, write some honest letters you will not send, scream into a pillow, cry, etc.. Then maybe meditate, pray, or find some way to get back to your own spirit, your own center--the real you that got lost in this sad mess. You will also want to discover in time, without blaming yourself, what role you played in this or how not to let this happen to you again. The signs of cheating or infidelity are usu. right there under our noses, but the human mind uses denial to "protect" us from painful truths. Be sweet to yourself and forgive yourself as you figure out where you went wrong, not to beat yourself up, but in order to be more careful and wise in the future.

I find that music also helps at times like these. Songs that get me in touch with my anger and my pain, and then songs that get me in touch with my power, my values, my beliefs. I sing, cry, laugh, dance...Right now, Tina Turner comes to mind. I also like contemporary (but non-preachy) gospel or spiritual music. The more uplifting and honest the better. Find what works for you, what resonates with your feelings and your truths. Just don't stay stuck in the rage or the pain.

Finally, at the risk of sounding a little pushy here, there is no freakin' way you should take him back if he is unwilling to admit he did anything wrong, understand your feelings. change his ways, or honestly work things out with you. That would be a backwards step. The choice is yours, of course. But do you really think taking him back would be good for you? Has he learned anything from this? Wouldn't the girl and the baby then become a part of your life? Is this what you want?

There will be others who will love you in the future--the near future if you find some way to heal, let all this go, get your "mojo" back, and move on. You deserve the best.

Hope this helps. I am wishing you peace, love, and freedom.

Answer 2

WOW! I could write a book here, but I'll try to be to the point. First of all, you cannot direct your hate to the baby!!!!! And seriously, if you think you may do harm to the baby you need to seek help, in all seriousness!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!! Trust me, this poor baby will have enough hard times that it didn't ask for. You said he should not have accepted the baby, are you really attracted to loser guys that would not accept their own flesh and blood?

Now onto you! Honey, drinking and partying is NOT the answer. It may numb it for a short time, but in the long run it will only make things much, much worse in your life. You need a solution with some deep meaning and substance. I suggest you do something different, get a job, go to school, find a new hobby and throw yourself into it. I don't know how old you are or anything about your life other than this jerk. But don't let this be what defines you!!! Most of us have been cheated on by a boyfriend, and you can move on and you will be a stronger person. Reflect on your friends, are they going anywhere, doing anything with their lives? Do they encourage you to be and do better, or do they just want to get you drunk so you can forget? If that's it, you need new friends. Surround yourself with positive people moving in a positive direction. And this applies to your life in general, not just now about him. Also, sometimes if you can take the focus off of your problems, you'll realize that there are so many people in this world that are hurting. Like real hurt, terminal illness, lost a child or spouse, etc,... Maybe you could find something in your heart that moves you. You could volunteer at a homeless shelter, visit someone in a nursing home who doesn't have anybody,just try to look at others and their needs.

Listen, you are an important person and you need to treat yourself as such. Hurting him, the baby, or the girl won't solve anything. I am married with 2 young children. But, before I found my husband, I was cheated on and betrayed MANY times, never had one knock somebody up, but I know it hurts.

I hope this helps!

Answer 3

Ok, first of all, I am sorry for your pain, I can completely relate to what you're feeling. I went through that with my ex, almost exactly the same thing, two years into the relationship, he cheated on me with some girl he met online, she got pregnant, etc, etc.

Let me tell you something, first of all, it takes two to tango... yes, but the one who's really at fault is your ex, not her and especially not the baby, for all you know he lied to her too and she didn't even know you were in the picture! Even if she did know, it is NOT the baby’s fault and you should seriously consider getting professional help if you've actually thought of causing any harm to another human being specially an innocent baby.

I completely understand that deep inside you'd wish the baby didn't exist, but the fact is the baby does exist, and wishing that the baby wasn't his or that it didn't exist is completely different than wishing a baby to die. I lost a child, I know what is like to find your lifeless child and know he's gone, and trust me, that is NOT something I would wish on my worse enemy! I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

Now yes, it is very hurtful to think that my ex is always going to have to be a part of this woman's life because they have a child together, but that's neither here or there anymore, there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that. The situation is beyond that point now. You have two options, get professional help and take him back and work on your relationship, or get professional help and move on. Either way, you seriously need professional help!

Please don't think I'm trying to talk down to you, it's not an insult or anything like that, it's simply that I know all too well the pain of losing the one you love to someone else, and to have to live with the fact that this "other" woman will forever be a part of his life, regardless of whether he's with me or not. It is something very painful to experience, and you should really talk to someone.

Good luck sweetie!

Blessed be...

~ Nessa ~

Answer 4

Everybody at any given point in time experienced a very destructive emotions that tying them up... jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness, despair, greed & others. No one is exempt from this. Others experienced even more destructive as what you have gone through.

I know it's never been easy but what you need now is a complete healing over your past so you can move on and be happy with your life.

First you have to believe that God loves you, you are not alone in your crisis. He will never ever forsaken you no matter what the state of your life is.

You also have to take personal responsibility for yourself. As long as you blame others for your problems then there is a little hope for healing. If you wait for someone else to change then you will just prolong your sufferings.

Regardless of whether others change or not if you believe that you can change, then there is hope from within yourself.

We cannot control things. Be humble and accept what had happen to you and your boyfriend. Everything happens for a reason. God has a purpose for that I'm sure.

Learn how to forgive. As long as we harbor an unforgiving spirit or resentment, we cannot expect healing. As the Scriptures said "Love is not irritable. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong". Love forgives and forgets.

Pour out your resentment out into the light and don't let it permit to control your life.

Answer 5

First loves always leave an impression, especially if it ended in hurt. I can certainly understand your anger but you do have to try to keep in the mind that the child is the innocent one. Secondly, it sounds like your ex is trying to be a good father by taking responsibility which is really mature - but with most parents, they will always choose their child over a lover. So that is something you must try to understand.

I don't think you should be over the hurt, everyone takes a different amount of time to get over things. However, I don't think that you're handling your hurt the correct way. You could be heading into some dangerous territory and that's something that you really need to be conscious of.

Have you considered speaking to someone about it? A professional might be able to give you tips on how to better deal with the pain and how you'll be able to get back into the dating scene and meet someone who's really worth your time.

So you don't have to rush to be over the hurt, but I would also try find ways to distract yourself and to help you not thinking about it so much. You shouldn't dwell on things that you can't change and instead try to find things that make you happy.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

To wish the death of others indicates that you likely need some help putting this guy behind you, hon. From your note, you are scared, resentful, confused, and tons of other stuff too long to list here.

We all get hurt, and we all often want what isn't going to be. But we as well learn that what we want is no longer available... you don't love this guy, you love what he was, and what you and he once were, and that is gone, as in evaporated. We all have loved dearly, and totally, and if we have loved at all, it hurt when it ended. This relationship, by your own admission, has indeed ended. Seek some help, hon. A session or two with a counselor will help you see it in clearer light, so that you can stop grinding away on it....
(PS. and of course he wants to be"with" you.... a warm place for his penis.... all guys think with their little heads, not their big ones. He'd for sure like to keep you as the Jerk in Reserve.... but you can't be a rug unless you lie there... and good for you for not choosing to do so. Again, a few sessions of counseling would be the best buckos you ever will spend to get on with your life.)

Answer 7

You need some serious help. Meantime you need to ask yourself why you would still allow these people to control your life. Not being able to move on has more complications than just your feelings of hatred.

Hate only hurts the hater and you are a great example of this. You need to lighten up. This was not the end of the world. People lose the ones they love all the time through tragic incidents, and you cannot have healthy feelings of love if the love is not returned, which it obviously was not. Decide whether or not this is ego speaking, or some sick inability to grasp reality and get a life. Your ego and your self respect have taken a big hit, but a couple of months of grief should have been sufficient. People that lose people by death don't continue the grief at disabilitating lengths for so long. Get help.

Answer 8

Everyone is different. There is no time frame. You have to release it on your own time and within yourself. My ex husband from 1 1/2 yrs ago still is madly in love with me, but I was past that within a few months. Every relatonship is different. You have to have closure within yourself first. I turned to partying for a year too and at the end of the day, the problems were still there, but I had A LOT of fun! Just stay busy doing things and don't take him back. He's a scumbag! If he did it once that far into the relationship, he will most likely do it again, he just happened to get caught this time!

Answer 9

The feelings you are having are normal. After 2 years after my break up I still feel hate towards my EX. Believe it or not this simply means that you are still deeply in love with him/her.
The best thing to do would be to keep your mind busy. Don't listen to what people tell you. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT in matters of love. The best way (and my advice to you) to find some peace in your mind is to face him. YES face him and
find closure. Have a talk with him ,very calmly and express your feelings and get answers to your questions. Only do this when you ready. I'm still not ready. as far as the baby and the other women..forget them, the real person that should be blaming is him. He made the choice to cheat and the fault lies in him alone, even if the other knew. In the end it was up to him to be loyal. Also, changes are he will do the same to her. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise. My final advice to you is to give it time. TIME is your best friend right now and as time go by it will feel better.

Answer 10

Seriously you need help. You should've left him the day you found out about the baby. The baby is going to be around for the rest of your life if you go back. He shouldn't want you back knowing the way you feel about his child. Anyway how could you even think about something so innocent and haven't been twisted by the way the world is.
You may not ever get over him but you do need to learn how to move on.

Answer 11

First you have to stop communicating with him, leaving the revolving door open will keep you vulnerable to taking him back. Always remember he disrespected you and then became a father in the process. You have done nothing wrong. Talk it out to yourself, write letters to him (don't mail), and vent to anyone who will listen. Do this everyday if you have to until the anger is gone. Once the anger is gone, you will start to heal. Read books on how to deal with anger and hurt (self help books). I've been there and I did all of the above and I haven't seen my ex in seven years. I prayed to keep him away from me until I was healed. He called me three years after our break up and I was able to be civil towards him. That way he knew I wasn't angry, so he had no chance of getting back with me because nothing he said or did could ever affect me. I told him I'd never allow myself to get close to him again and I meant it. He thought we would be friends, but when I didn't go to his dad's funeral, he realized there was nothing left and I haven't talked to him in about 4 years and I couldn't be happier. Your day will come, but you have to start with not talking to him at all!