After reading several questions on adoption, lack of knowledge in terms of adoptive parents?

Question

After reading lots of questions and answering a few I noticed that there is a horrifying and marked lack of knowledge among adoptive or soon to be adoptive parents about the affects of adoption for the child. My adoption was relatively closed, but I have found things out more recently but it is really traumitising being lied to and not knowing your identity. Are adoptive parents actually aware of this? And do they realised that their adopted child/children could be shattered inside but don't know how to ask about their history because they have strong fears? And have adoptees had good experiences with their adoptive parents? Any adoptees share their experiences?

Answer 1

Most of them just don't have a clue do they? No, I don't think they are aware or they wouldn't be so dismissive of adoptees feelings

I love my adoptive parents with all my heart but they will never understand me. to them I came as a 'blank slate' and sometimes it is the ignorance that hurts so much

At least adoptees have each other to relate to and it's comforting to know your feelings are entirely natural, despite those people who try to pathologize adoptees, and we can support each other

At the age of 36 I was finally 'permitted' to have some scraps of information about my real family. That piece of paper with their descriptions (and names blacked out, including mine!) is the most precious possession I have ever had

How come nobody empathises with adoptees. If anyone had ever thought to say to me 'oh you lost your mother, that's so sad' I would probably cry and say 'finally, someone understands'.

Answer 2

unfortunately there are still alot of people with little understanding of how adoption affects adoptees and first parents, or even how it can affect adoptive parents (PADs for example). Just look at some of the questions that come up on here sometimes (ie where can I find a birthmom who will give me a baby cheap, I don't want to have to deal with agencies?). However for every 10 people who put their fingers in their ears and scream "NO! Adoption is BEAUTIFUL! Its the best thing for everyone!!!" there is going to be one who stops and thinks wow, I didn't realize that it causes so much pain. Thats why it is so important that first moms speak out and help other moms gain the confidence to keep their children, why its so important for adoptive parents to educate other aparents and prospective a-parents on adoption issues and why its important for adoptees to speak out about how they feel as the only party who had no choice in the adoption. Places like www.soulofadoption.com/forum, www.adultadoptees.org and www.informedadoptions.com could really help turn the tide and wake people up to the realities of adoption.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, No! Many adoption parents (at least in the US) do NOT understand the affects of the adoption on their adoptive children. They feel, somehow, that we should be fine with not knowing our geneology. Geneolgy and Family Trees are HUGE in the US. But our biological lineage begins with us. Not much of a tree there. Many people try to trace their biologies back through centuries and they are allowed to do so. We cannot.

Sure, we accept our adoptive families as our own. I don't think that's even a question. Whether or not we had a good childhood really doesn't play a role in that, at least, not for me. (Mine was GREAT, by the way!) You can be born to a natural family and have the same chance of having a "bad" childhood. That's really not the issue.

Many children, as well as, adult adoptees (me included) will not ask our adoptive families about it. We fear that this will hurt their feelings, or make them feel as if they have done something wrong in our upbringing. This is just not the case. We always wonder who we look like, act like. We always wonder.

Closed adoptions are the downfall of the adoption industry, in my opinion. When you are legally allowed to falsify birth records, change names, places, details, there is a serious problem. Not to mention the ramifications of unknowingly "inbreeding" and yes this has happened. How are we to know for sure that the people we meet on the street or at the local grocery store are not biological members of our family. We do not and cannot. The practice of deliberatly fabricating birth certificates should be abolished. Our birthname belongs to us and us alone, as well as, the information contained on the original's.

Who's right is it to deny a person his or her heritage? Deny us the knowledge of our existence prior to the finalization of our adoption. Deny brothers and sisters knowledge of each other, their whereabouts, even their existence. I don't feel that anyone should have the right to take these things from me. I didn't choose adoption, nor did my biological siblings. It was not our choice. We are just products of someone else's choice.

And YES, Closed adoptions exist in numerous numbers today. This is fact. THEY STILL EXIST. In my opinion, closed adoption just provide the adoptive family the security, not the child or even the birthparents. Many years pass, peoples views change with age, experience, and knowledge. They may not now want to be anonymous any longer. But in most states in the US, they do not have a choice but to remain anonymous. The adoptive parents are protected in this way.

We should be able to own our lives and all that was involved with it. Most do not necessarily want to meet bio mom or dad. We just want to know who they were and who their families were. What they look like, what they did in life. They are our lineage. Whether they want to be or not. My strongest reason for searching is biological siblings that I have only recently discovered that I have. These are my blood. I have a connection to them and should know them. No person should have the ability to deny me this.

If you have not been adopted, then I really believe you have no business answering this question that has been asked. You CANNOT REALLY KNOW WHY OR HOW? You WILL not fully understand the affects the adoption has on a person, both at the young age and at the adult stage. It's not your issue to respond to. You lack the knowledge and experience to answer this question. Leave this one to those of us who know and have lived it and in many cases are still living it. We are the experts in this field. Others would be wise to learn from us, not question our thoughts and feelings.

Answer 4

Yeah - but I always get told that I'm bitter and angry for being the way I am - and no one really wants to listen to anyone that doesn't think that adoption isn't all wunnerful - all of the time.
(*snark*)

Insert emoticon of crumpled smiley hitting head against a brick wall!!

There are enlightened adoptive parents out there - they are just few and far between.

It has been lovely to see that some have started to take notice though. Really nice.

There are now many voices of adoptees and first mothers finally speaking out all over the internet.

Maybe the tide of change will finally come!?!?!?
I think that can only happen when more and more speak out about the dark side of adoption - to dispel the myths that so many hold so dear.

I'm really glad that you've added your voice to the chorus.

If you haven't heard - this adoptee forum is a great place to unwind when it all gets too much - AAAFC -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

Here's some links to adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.

Here's some links to first mum blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2804.0

Possum. (Aussie adoptee)
Been living the adoption dream for 38 years - and the roses certainly don't smell so sweet.

Answer 5

My finance' works on the adoption team in London and we often discuss various issues facing adoption today.

She has told me that these days they insist on ensuring that the adopted children are very aware of their background it's increasingly important to place children with parents that are as close as possible in their heritage so that the children do not forget their roots.

They try everything possible to ensure that kids are looked after not just physically by psycologically. It is key that as much is done so as not to negatively affect the future for the kids.

Answer 6

I understand the effects that it could have on the children.But do you realize that some of the parents of fostered or adoptive kids.Where so horrific that it is part of there life they do not want to remember.I have two kids that have been through hell and back because they have been a product of the system for 7 yrs he is 9 and his younger brother to. But if they want to know we let them know.Life has not been good to these kids and me and my wife have said this is the last place they are going to live.They deserve a chance for a normal life.

Answer 7

I found my natural family three years ago and I am still coming to terms with all the lies my adoptive mother told me regarding my adoption. My advice to adoptive parents: know all you can about the natural family and DONT LIE.

Answer 8

I have had only good things about my adoption.... which was 100% closed, as they seemed to have been done in my state at the time. I always knew I was adopted and my family was always very open about all the details they knew.... there was no secrecy.

Of course, like most adopted kids, I went through phases where I had a lot of abandonment fears, but I have worked through them.

I wouldn't give up my family for anything. Granted, I would like to meet my biological family but if it meant giving up my adoptive family I would never even consider it.

Answer 9

I think it's a very difficult situation. If a child is told at too young of an age, they will have problems with feeling abandoned and such. If you wait too long to tell them, then they feel lied to. It's really a no win situation.

In regards to adoptees having good experiences with adoptive parents, why wouldn't they? Haven't your adoptive parents treated you well? Just like if they were your real parents?

Your identity is not based on some person who's genetics you got. It's based on your experiences and the things you like and don't like. You are you no matter who your birth parents were/are. The only thing knowing about your birth parents could really matter in is when it comes to medical histories since lots of medical conditions are genetically pre-dispositioned.

I understand that you are confused and angry. It sounds like you need to sit down with your adoptive parents and talk to them. I'm sure they had a good reason for not telling you about the adoption. Maybe they were scared you wouldn't like them? Look at it from their perspective for a second. It is not an easy thing to adopt a child. I'm sure they had their fears. These people took you in and raised you just like you were their own child. To me, that makes them kind, loving people that you should go talk to. You all can work through this together. You might also want to look into some counseling to help you deal with your fears and your anger and confusion.

I hope that everything works out for you and your family.

Answer 10

i was very lucky. i was adopted the day i was born. my real mom left with another man. i didn't know my real dad or know about him till years later. i was adopted by it was my real great aunt and uncle. I didn't know this til i was 40 about but you know what i was very lucky and know it. i mean my siblings were really treated badly and i was the lucky one you see not everyone is unhappy. yes its scary if you are told suddenly that you are adopted. i had a friend this happened to and she was 16 and nearly flipped. itss sad to see someone like that. but you know if you are honest to begin with its is good and good for the child something ot know and learn about ones self.