Mixed signals or grief?

Question

my partner of 4 yrs & I have been on a break since May. His dad died after a long illness & he needed time alone to get to grips with things.
We have been spending more & more time together lately & things seemed to be returning to "normal". He scattered his dads ashes & said he felt much better. During our time together he held my hand whilst we watched a film & lounged on me- kind of used my leg as a cushion! However, we didnt kiss or anything. I didnt mind as it was nice to return to the 1st flush of dating but now he has backed off again. After asking me round to watch films or hang out he now doesnt seem to want me to at all.
I wonder if he thought that after scattering the ashes everything would be fine but its still not bought his lovely dad back.
I miss him terribly & desparately want him back, but more than that I want to support & help him. Having never lost a parent its hard to understand.
I am 29 & he is 34 (his dad was his only parent- his mum has been absent for yrs)

Answer 1

Grief is an awful thing, and can take years to come to terms with a death.
If he doesn't (or can't) accept you as his supporter, advise him to get some grief counselling. It can and does help.

Answer 2

As hard as it is because of your feelings for him, for your own sake, don't try and look for signals right now. If he wants you back, he'll make it known, and although it's lovely you being there for him in his hour of need, at some point, if this relationship really is over, you need to move on and find someone new. It's so hard to write this because you obviously have feelings for him, and he's in a difficult place right now, but you've been on a break for best part of a year, don't let one year turn to two, two to three, sometimes you have to think of yourself.

Answer 3

When I lost my mother, my only parent for many years, it took me almost 5 years to totally get over it. Fot the first year, I was not the same person. It was so hard because she had raised me by herself since I was 9 years old when my dad died. I felt that I had lost my mother, my father, and my best friend in one shot. I actually left my husband because he could not understand why I had changed so much.

Just be patient. Tell him that when he is ready to talk about it, you will be there for him. Do not push him right now, but remain as close as he will let you get to him. When he goes to visit the grave be at his side,if he will let you, to show your support for him. This time is not going to be easy for you either.

Answer 4

Grief is a real roller coaster ride. Be supportive and patient. If you really truly love him, you must understand that he is struggling with tremendous loss. Scattering his father's remains, doesn't = closure. There are many grief related books and websites, available that may provide some insight for BOTH of you. Best Wishes !

Answer 5

ahh thats sad ,maybe he thought that by scattering the ashes ,it would have given him the closure he needed , but it clearly hasn't , grief affects people differently , he may be in denial , just be there for him when he wants you to be ,don't push him too much , he will need his space to think about the recent events that has turned his world upside down ,it will take time ,be patient & good luck xxx

Answer 6

This has hit him hard and he needs all the love and support he can get. Try talking to him about things. Tell him how you want to help but feel he is pushing you away.

Answer 7

hi.. i can fully understand how he feels... beleive me.. my husband lost his mum 6 yrs ago.. this nov.. he never really opened up to me, although i was there for my motherinlaw, who died unfortunately of a brain tumour. i helped her all the way through her last few months that she was able to spend with us.. but after her death, my hubby shut me out completely,, to the point, he changed his job that paid less... it came to the point, where it actually affected our sex lifes too. he wouldnt touch me, kiss me, or even cuddle me.. to thepoint, where he pushed me away, and the further he did the further i went.. i did ask him to go and see someone, or we could go as a couple.. but he wouldnt.. and to make things worse, couple of months his mum died, his dad got dimentia.. so his time what he did have, he gives to his dad.. which i dont mind, dont get me wrong. but its a great strain on all of us.
i lost my mum two yrs this november.. and its been a struggle with me too., so not only having to struggle with my marriage down the tubes.. and with my own greif.. because he wasnt there for me, when i just needed acuddle..
so just let him know, your there for him, and always will be.. but offer to go with him for counseling.. im waiting for counselling my self now.. because i feel alone and empty myself..

Answer 8

relax... its hit him hard.. he will need more time{}