friend doesn't understand, not speaking to me now because I stood up for my husband?

Question

My husband has behaved extremely badly towards me over the past year (affair, lies, cheating, and now telling me to have an abortion I don't want).
I see all that as my problem, as it's my marriage.

Our friend who was actually his friend first is really angry at me. She is having a birthday party and we haven't seen her for 2 years [she's lived overseas - coming back for the party].

My husband was going by himself - I'm fine with that. She says because of our problems she doesn't want him to go without me. She is basically ditching him as a friend because of what he has done to me.

I tried to make her see that I am fine with them staying friends. God knows he needs at least ONE friend who is sensible and can give good advice, i was happy for it to be her. i still want her friendship too.

She is angry at me for sugesting she has no reason [of her own] to dump him as a friend. I appreciate her support, but i think her attitude is a bit strong.

how to handle her?

i think you're all right. i didn't realise i'd lost so much perspective in this. i still feel loyal to him and want him to have some friends he can rely on but realise she can make her choice to dump him or not.
i'm going to make amends with her and let her know to wait for me to be stronger so I can do the right thing and leave him too...one day.

Answer 1

You're a bigger person than I am, as you can tell by my recent questions. I think, without trying to enter my own personal feelings into it, that you should just let her deal with her own feelings. She is trying to protect you from what sounds like a still escalating situation. I wish I had a friend to stand up for me like that. It's between them and if they talk and find peace with each other, so be it. In the meantime, she will see your attitude through your actions and may settle down once she sees how you are treating him. Take care!

I know where your husband is at too. I am like him - I'm the one who was ditched by the friends even though they were my friends first. I know how much it hurts (although I wasn't doing the things your husband was doing, but I do understand why it would hurt). Keep working on her, but you can't force her to change how she feels right now. I also know how you feel about trying to keep the peace and why can't we all just get along...I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 2

Have you thought that SHE might not want a friend who lies, has affairs, cheats and would have his wife abort the child she wants? Perhaps SHE would prefer not to associate with a man who would treat someone that badly? Perhaps its HER choice to dump HER friend, in sympathy for all women?

I know that you still love him (your actions say so), and want to protect him even now from the consequences of HIS OWN ACTIONS, but that's not always your choice. People do have the right to see him whichever way they feel appropriate. As an adult, he should be able to face and deal with the results of HIS actions.
Now you need to worry a whole lot less about the reactions of people to his decisions, and make some for yourself, including whether YOU want to have this baby, and what YOU want from him, if anything. Now is the time to look after yourself. Take care.

Answer 3

Maybe you should listen to your friend, honey. If your man has done all this to you all within a year, something is definitly wrong with this relationship. And I don't blame your friend I wouldn't want to be friends with your husband either if I see that he is treating my friend wrong. Its nice that you stood up for your husband, but think about this Would he stand up for you? One more thing, stop blaming yourself for your husbands behavor. Its not right. No body should be in a relationship like this its not healthy. You have to sit down and figure out what you want out of life (I know being treated that way is not one of them) confide in your friend all the things that are hurting you and get out. Run Like Hell.

Answer 4

This woman simply doesn't want to be friends with a scummy, cheating butt head- one so low that he'd tell his wife to kill her child. The question is why YOU want to remain friends, much less married to a guy so low that he would cheat on you, lie to you, and tell you to kill your child, probably so when he dumps you, he won't have to pay child support. I wouldn't want to be friends with your husband, and neither does this woman. She sounds like a great friend- and you should emulate her.

Answer 5

I think that she is being a good friend to you, and you should appreciate that. She has probably lost all respect for him, and I would have too. You need to have respect for her feelings too. If she does not want him there, however, she needs to tell him. You should go, though, she is a good friend to you.

Answer 6

She is a woman and therefore sees that his treatment of you is not worthy of her friendship or respect! She has every reason to dump him as a friend! You should go to her party and leave him at home!

Answer 7

Handle her by telling her that you apprciate her support and just agree to disagree. With such a crappy husband you need someone to be supportive right now more than ever.

Answer 8

To be with such kind of man it, u ought to have tolerance, how can u tolerate him. By gosh!!!! I guess u should listen to ur friend and divorce this man who has his ego stuck up to his nose. So wht if he is a man. Stand by urself, y r u insulting ur being?

Answer 9

IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE HAS MADE A CHOICE BASED ON HOW SHE FEELS . IT IS YOUR LIFE, BUT IT IS HER DECISION WHO SHE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH. YOU SAID HE NEEDS ONE SENSIBLE FRIEND, WHO CAN GIVE HIM GOOD ADVICE, FRIENDSHIP WORKS BOTH WAYS, WHAT WOULD THE OTHER PERSON HAVE BEING FRIENDS WITH HIM? KEEP HER FRIENDSHIP, LET HER DECIDE, HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HIM. BEST WISHES !!

Answer 10

You need to really recognize what the meaning of a friend is! And then you would recognize that you all friend has every reason to be upset with your husband maybe you need to open your eyes up and stop acting like you can not see what your friend is tying to get you to see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP BEING FOOLISH AND WAKE UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!