Not talking after Spanking?

Question

Earlier today, I spanked my daughter, Ava, for disobedience about staying away from the stove/oven while I was making lunch.
I told her several times to stay in her seat at the kitchen table while I was cooking & not to come near the stove/oven because it was very hot & dangerous for her to get in the way.
The first few times she disobeyed, I put her in time-out in the corner. But as soon as the time-out ended, she'd disobey again & start coming up to the stove, trying to open the oven door.
So then I told her that the next time she disobeyed, she would get spanked.
Not more than two minutes later, when I saw her trying to sneak a peek at the oven door, I took her to her room & gave her a good spanking.
But since then, Ava's been refusing to speak to me at all, & I'm thinking she's just manipulating, because she's been spanked in the past & never acted like this. I also didn't spank any differently (harder, longer) than before.

Is it just manipulation?

She'll be 3 in May

I also mentioned it to Ava's grandmother (her father's mother) and she said I should spank Ava again, for disrespect by not speaking to me/responding when spoken to.

But I don't know if/think I should spank again just for that.

Thanks Katherine,

But there is a difference between discipline and abuse, and I believe in spanking and I don't think that the spanking is the problem here.

Also Katherine, because of the floor plan of my kitchen, fencing is not an option.

Katherine, thanks for your advice to take a parenting class, but all they do is preach non-physical consequences like time-out which if you read above, did NOT work!

I only spanked after Ava disobeyed after a few time-outs!

Spanking is NOT abuse, and I believe if positive reinforcement, and non-physical consequences are not effective, then there is NOTHING wrong with a few swats on the bottom - ESPECIALLY when safety is concerned!

Answer 1

Yes it's manipulation. I usually suggest a small amount of time after a spanking is given for them to calm down and think on why they got this punishment. Afterwords we have a talk. If she refuses to answer your questions, I suggest you encourage her to "chose" to answer your questions, because refusing gets her another spanking. So yes I do somewhat believe grandma, but only after she makes a clear and direct decision to defy your authority.

Answer 2

Ava is a child, under 3. she is not really capable of manipulation. she is just trying to figure out what she did wrong, and she is upset with you.
yes, she was wrong for disobeying you, and not listening, and opening or trying to open the oven door. yes, she could have been hurt. but, you need to let her know that you still love her, and she can still feel safe with you. believe it or not, you may have scared her, alot! not a little.
and does she KNOW what she did wrong? did you point it out to her, try to tell her what was wrong, AFTER you spanked her? could she be bewildered or confused about the situation? did she think it was a game for her to open the door?
Ava is not a baby, and not a child. she is growing, and her world is expanding. she needs to UNDERSTAND you and what is going on, what she did wrong. this doesn't mean explaining it in scientific term. just hug her, and take her to the oven door, and do your best to explain it...

I also believe in spanking, in discipline, in choices and consequences. I do NOT believe in hitting out of anger or frustration. that becomes abuse. this is something to ponder, at times, when we, all of us as parents, sometimes may have to take a step back and consider the situation at hand, and at WHY we think a spanking is needed.
also, I am a survivor/parent of 2 very energetic, sometimes stress-inducing young men, who will soon be 18 and 20.

Enjoy Ava and love her. this time will pass so quickly, and you will wonder where the time went. just remember the choices and consequences, and teaching right from wrong. love does the rest....
good luck

Answer 3

It's definately manipulation. My daughter is four and does the same thing. I ONLY spank when safety is a concern. We bought this book called "123 Magic" By Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. I bought it at Barns and Noble. It works wonders on her, I haven't spanked her in a long time. She is much more behaved! I suggest getting a copy and try it out.

Answer 4

at 2.5 she is too young for spanking. I am not against it but I feel she is too young. A sharp smack on the hand if she goes to touch would put the message through. I beleive you need to do something so she is not burnt. Have you tried getting the door of the oven very warm, not hot (not burning for goodness sake) and gently put her hand on the door to make her realise what hot is? At 2 it is just another word she needs to connect it to something. I feel at 2.5 she is a bit young to be that manipulitive. But you can always offer things she likes and if she doesn't answer just say "oh well I will have it then". It won't take long for her to talk. Spanking it too early at 2 years of age

Answer 5

I think it's manipulation. She'll get over it before tomorrow. My 19 month old has done that to his dad. He even gives dirty looks, snatches things and throws. Heck he gets out of me spaking him as much by giving me a hug as soon as I raise my hand! It's probably the beginning of her tantrum phase. Tell that the stove is hot and have her feel something hot, but not hot enough to scald or burn. I used a boiled egg and set it down so my toddler could see. I told him "HOT, don't touch it." and of course he did and didn't like it. So now, when we say something is hot he stays away. I wouldn't spank her again for "disrespecting you". She wouldn't understand right now. Wait until she's a little older. You don't want her to fear her mommy.

Answer 6

Wow, my daughter will be 3 in January and she will come in the kitchen, point to the oven, and say "hot" and will stay away. I have given my daughter a "spank" (one light swat on the bottom) when she's in danger's way, but I have never given her a spanking (assuming repetitive spanks). My daughter is learning to manipulate too, so I think your daughter will forget and start speaking again. I also trick my daughter into not being mad, like playing a game with her or tickling her (only after I know she's understood her punishment). I'm a horrible disciplinarian so I congratulate you on that.

Answer 7

She is trying to manipulate you..don't give in...She is the one who was disobedient. Think of it this way would you rather that she ignore you for a little while or end up in the emergency room because she disobeyed and was burned or hurt???? As long as you let her know that you love her and spanked her because when people are disobedient they can end up hurt...Don't beg for her attention...just be strong! It will be better in the long run if you stand by what you have done.

Answer 8

I would think that your daughter is beginning to grasp the meaning behind the spanking, i.e. your assertion of authority, and she resents that. Of course her antics should not stop you from doing what you think is right in disciplining her. But I would not give her an extra spanking for not talking but leave her some time to get over the hurt. After that time, you might approach her in a friendly manner and tell her again why it was necessary for you to punish her, that she is now forgiven and that her mommy loves her.

Answer 9

Have you tried telling her its hot ??? You have gotten sucked into a power struggle with your daughter and look at her behavior as disrespect. She is just being curious and wants to help. Why don't you give her something to do while you make lunch. I have a 2 and 4 yr old and they always want to be in the kitchen with me. I let them play in the sink full of water and some toys. They love it. I sometimes give them a simple task like taking the lettuse appart. If I'm baking something and my 2yr old wants to touch , I warn her, and tell her its hot. I get her hand and put it near the door so she could feel a little of the heat and then she says "hot" and makes the sighn with her hands. Read the book Easy to love difficult by Dr. Becky Baily.

Answer 10

Spanking for not talking - now there's a new one! Maybe it's manipulation, or maybe she really is intimidated by you after the spanking. If it's the latter, she'll probably get over it if you don't spank her very often (or at all). But spanking her for not talking is absolutely ridiculous - I hope you don't do it.
Please consider using time - outs again. They DO work for people who are consistent. Most people who spank do so because they want a "quick fix" for behavior, which simply does not exist.