Want To Trash (or critique) My Latest Poem?

Question

A GATHERING OF GHOSTS


Why is it so easy to create a ghost?

To push a button, trip a switch, speak a word,
point a finger, accuse others, cast a stone,
enact a law, pull a trigger, ignite flames?

The results remain the same.

Why is it so quickly we bury a ghost?

To ignore life’s lessons and deny the past,
stifle scruples, justify guilt, revoke doubt,
shrouding righteousness in a deity’s name?

The results remain the same.

Why is it so hard then to ignore a ghost?

To subdue a conscience and silence the cries,
purge memories, build barriers, deflect faults,
without ever accepting personal blame?

The results remain the same.

Why is it much wiser to live with the ghosts?

To understand, acknowledge human error,
coming to terms, making amends, righting wrongs,
opening up and reaching forth without pain?

The results will keep us sane.

(It's new. It needs editing. It's inspired by my new muse.)

tedious/adj. : tiresome because of length or dullness, boring, wearisome.

Tulie, thank you. I know it needs editing because this is a first draft. But 'ghost' stays.

Ghosts also implies 'lies' from the past. Buried deeply sometimes. Lies come in many forms: actual lies, guilt as denial, false justifications, etc.

The poem is exactly metered in line sequences of eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven and six syllable lines. It flows likewise the same, in exact iambic pentameter. The difficulty I had was paring down and selecting phrases that could say more with less.

This poem deals with ghosts on many levels, from unjustified killing to the death of the human heart through heartache and the ghosts our actions create. And how we deal with these ghosts from the past.

Answer 1

Setting aside your admission it needs editing, I love the concept. I also can relate to it. I have the feeling you are writing for more than just a personal outlook, that is society in general, I still find that what applies to the individual also applies to the masses. In my personal journey I have looked at as many ghost as I now know are there, & certainly know than it is only by exposing the hidden, refusing to ignore or act as if, that personal freedom is ever achieved.. Again you have impressed me, but you always do. I wonder if you would consider guiding a lesser poet. Thanks((((HUG))))

Answer 2

No, I don't want to trash your poem. It's too good for that. What I'm itching to do is rewrite, to take out the word 'ghost' and replace it with 'lie', and then alter other lines to suit. Maybe my muse is sticking her oar in? I've no idea, but I'll definitely keep her in check.

You say your piece needs editing. Not at all, it just needs tightening a little. You're obviously skilled enough to do that.

This poem flows well and the repetition is effective. Tidy it up a bit and submit it for publication. ...Best!

Answer 3

Speaking poet to poet, I think it's brilliant. Sure, it needs editing, but don't leave it to these sharks! What do YOU think needs to be changed? What do you think doesn't flow about it? What do you think should be taken or added? If you want advice, listen to yourself. If you really need outside advice, then I think some of your lines are a tad too long, but that can be fixed by removing one or two words. What lines, you may ask? You figure it out. If they sound right to you, then don't change them.

I love the topic; your writing style reminds me of a friend of mine. And that is QUITE a compliment. Keep up the amazing work. 9/10

Answer 4

Personally, i am not a poem addict, but maybe I can inject something in answer to your desire "to paint the lillies" as Shakespeare would like to say it. Let me try it via three avenues: coherence, unity, emphasis or CUE.
.
.Say let's begin with: "Why is it hard then to ignore a ghost?" The lines that follow do not cohere at all with what you are aiming at. "Maybe because it is hard to subdue an affected conscience. . . ." Meaning, state it in a negative manner in unity with your rhyme.

Now, "Why is it much wiser to live with ghosts?" The term "wiser" should be replaced with another, more appropriate synonym like perhaps "easier". Also, the reasons given - "to understand, acknowledge . . . " - does not build up to what you are emphasizing all along.

Answer 5

I like the basic structure and content of it but it does not flow well off the tounge, try reading it out loud its clumsy and difficult mostly in the second line of each three line verse. (please don't take this too hard its way better than any poem I could wright and I really like it I'm just trying to give constructive help)

Answer 6

I found it full of insight.

Instead of bury I would have used hide

Instead of ignore I would have used silence

I might shorten and take out "To", "and", "The"


It's all within so maybe more personal ghosts? (troubled soul your muse)

Answer 7

I enjoyed reading this! Trash it, no. Critique it, no. Read a good poem, yes.

Thanks for sharing :)

Answer 8

its a great poem!!!!!
i think it needs no editing,just one revision.you have some awesome talent!!!!!

Answer 9

I'm sorry. I found it tedious.

I found it tiresome, boring, dull, wearisome, like listening to someone read a thesaurus.