My boyfriend wants to move in together...is it unreasonable of me to want to at least be engaged first?

Question

We have been dating for 1 1/2 years and are very serious and very committed. He does not want to get married until we have lived together, and I am not sure if I am willing to make that compromise. Is engagement enough?

Answer 1

there is no reasonable or unreasonable, there is only what you two agree to.

Answer 2

He's playing you. If you've been dating for 1 and 1/2 years it's time to put up or shut up. I think YOU are very serious and committed. He is not. This is why he wants to play house first. Engagement doesn't mean much more than where you are at now but if you give him the ultimatum and he backs out of the relationship..even a wee bit..you'll know where he really stands.

The question is..are you strong enough to handle it if he starts to back out????

BTW..all these posters who say that living together is a way to "test marriage" are full of crap. I'll bet they've never lived with anyone before. I have. Twice. Both times engaged. The second one I did marry but let me tell you...being married is NOT the same as living together. Why? Living together is just what I said.."playing" house. Both of you can leave whenever, without any obligation.
Marriage is committment.

Answer 3

It is never unreasonable to want what you want. The question is..if you guys are very serious and committed...why do you feel an engagement is necessary..and why does he seem to be hesitant to get engaged. Like the saying goes..you never really know someone until you live with them, so I can understand his desire to try it before marriage. One thing for certain you do not want to give him an ultamatium unless you are willing to accept NO to the engagement. (which may hurt and cause unnecessary drama in your relationship) I believe you should stand your ground if being engaged means that much to you, however, understand the experience of living together does not change regardless of if you guys are just boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged or married. Learning about the quirks and bad habits not revealed until co habitation is inevitable in any situation.

Answer 4

That is definitely not unreasonable! He should want to respect your personal beliefs and standards on how relationships should work. Especially about moving in together. That is a huge step in a relationship, and you should both be committed enough to at least be engaged. If you aren't sure that you want to marry the person, then why would you have any desire to live together! You should explain why you feel this way, and if he is not willing to accept your feelings about the matter, too bad, they are still your feelings, and no one should just do something to make someone else happy. You should never give up your beliefs and standards for anyone, especially a man!!

Answer 5

No it is not unreasonable for you to want to be engaged first. But bear in mind studies show that couples who live together before they are married are more likely to divorce than those who did not live together until after they were married. It's something to think about. Either way I would definately discuss things like expenses, expectations, etc before you marry or move in together. This is REALLY important. Premarital counseling really prepares you for this.

If your unsure about moving in then don't move in together. This is too important to mess up. You want to get it right and if your uncomfortable with moving in then listen to yourself. If he is a good man, he will understand. If not then you may have some red flags about the relationship.

Stick to your princepals and beliefs because that is extremely important.

Married 17 years and very happy :)

Answer 6

Living together is not a bad idea unless you have something against it religiously. You can see how the two of you differ in living habits, and adjust accordingly. Sometimes two people who truly love each other can not stand to live together because one is messy and the other is a clean freak. Maybe one is loud and the other is quiet. There are many things that could be discussed and worked through before you even think of engagement and marriage. Then if you decide to get married it will be much smoother and less surprises.

Answer 7

I think your being unreasonable, you should move in together and then get engaged for like, a month, then get married. You want to move in together before you get engaged for two reasons, 1. to see if you two are capable of living together, 2. that way when you get married, you'll already be living together and it spares you of moving then.

Answer 8

No it's not unreasonable to want to be engaged first.
It sounds like he might be afraid of commitment.
If you two move in together and it doesnt work out, you or him move out. done deal.
Marriage is a lot more complicated.
Im not being negative, but a year and a half isnt long at all.
IM not saying you shouldn't.
Only yo can answer that.
I was with my ex for over four years and then she decided she wanted to date.
Just make sure you both are on the same page

Answer 9

Is engagement on the table? Sure, he said he doesn't want to get married before you live together, but is that his way of getting what he wants without putting a ring on your finger?

Answer 10

Living together can say a lot of things. I think it is a good idea to move in togerher before getting engaged. Just make sure there are house rules. Rules that you wantto carry on with if you do end up getting married, like who pays for what, cleaning sch, etc. Think about it what if hes a pig who dosn;t pay the bills or cook. Don't you want to find this out before you commit. Marriage won't make um go away.

Answer 11

its all up to you... but dont ever compromise something you feel so passionate about. if you guys can come to a medium like an engagment and you are comfterble with it then go for it. i personally think its good to live together before you actually get married. sometimes you see a whole other side of somebody when you actually live with them.