Positive advice...mother in law.?

Question

My mother in law who lives all the way across the world, and who has medical problems is coming for 2 to 3 months to stay with my husband and I when I give birth. The plane flight is 27 hours away. It is only right that she stays for a while, and she will help me and all that.

I just was worried that I will get totally tired of her and get all crazy feeling, or will I be so tired, that I will welcome any assitance.

My husband has asked me to try to understand that she is the only one that can come over here, because it is so expensive ($3000 to fly) and I should relax.

How do I not become selfish and learn how to deal with my mother in law living with us for 2 to 3 months.

BTW...she is a very caring woman and I like her...thank God.

I'm just worried, I won't have any alone time with my baby while i have the opportunity to be home with maternity leave.

Just to clarify, i dont feel i'm being selfish. She is a great woman, but we come from two totally different cultures and some of her ideas I might not agree with. I was wanting advice on how to make our visit smooth, without conflict. Thankyou all who understood that.

Answer 1

When I gave birth to my daughter I had the same feelings. The only difference is that I lived with my mother-in-law. A few weeks before she would go around trying to give me advice and not only that she would tell me how her other grandkids loved her so much they would rather be with her than with their mother. I was so upset. That I told her to mind her own business ( I know totally rude) a few days after I gave birth I felt so bad because of this. I realized that although I wanted to be with my daughter even if it was just to look at her little face, so did she. I mean we always think about our children but can you imagine the day your child has a baby. To see them grow and become good people and see how after all the good things and the bad things they are starting a new famiy. Don't worry because I know that you want to spend all the time with your baby and you will. You will spend a lifetime with them you will be the number one for the no matter what. But your mother in law will only have pictures to look at and maybe memories of the times she came to visit and being that she lives so far their won't be many. Give her a chance to enjoy her grandchild because she only wants to feel needed and wanted she only wants to help. My mother-in- law told me this and I started crying because I felt so guilty she loves my daughter and will give her everything. The baby is yours and will all be yours you decide what advice that she gives you you will use. You will be happy learning from someone that has experience and she will be happy knowing that she helped.

Answer 2

I understand why you would feel this way. Every new mother has an ideal of what it will be like bringing her new baby home and being a family with mom dad and new baby. I think you two should have time alone before she comes but this seems to already be in the works and she is well on her way.
I'm sure she will have plenty of advice as all MILs do, just take it and say thank you and if you disagree be respectful about it. Just remember she will soon be going home and you will be able to get back to your normal lives.
Having someone else in your home may be imposing and when she seems to overstay her welcome keep in mind her positive attributes.

Answer 3

I wish I could tell you that you won't get tired of your mother-in-law, but I can't. My sister had her mother-in-law come to help for a month after she had her first child and her mother-in-law is the kindest women I have ever met. Very helpful, nice, loving, all of that. She was ready for her to leave after about two weeks. The main thing to do is to make sure you have a mutual friend to vent to, not your husband. I was my sisters, and it was good for her because she had someone to listen to and assure her that it was normal. You are going to want alone time with your new baby and will want your house back. Just remember that it is your house and if there is something that she is doing then think of a way that is kind and non-judging to tell her. This will prevent feelings from getting hurt and make for a better extended visit. It will be very helpful to have her there, just try to get use to the idea before she comes and think of things to do that could get you alone time (like having her go to the grocery store), but also where you two do things together. Best of luck!

Answer 4

My dear, I have had a similar problem. Grandmas always want to stay with the new baby... when they live far away, they have to stay awhile. I don't know if this is your first baby or not, but... having a baby is quite a shock. Literally, my son did not stop crying for 3 days. Tiny babies exhaust you in a way you would not believe. I think that you and your mother-in-law will probably be sharing "shifts" with the new member.

If you breast feed, get a breast pump- you will want to give some feeding shifts to grandma, as well as bath time, 3:00 am crying time, or just 4am I-am-up-and-I ain't-gonna-sleep-for-quite-awhile. Not to scare you, but there is also the chance that there will be some problem with your baby or birth such as an emergency caesarian or other problem that you yourself will need to recover from or have help with.

If you have other children, grandma will be needed to help care for them. When you are alone with a baby, just taking a shower and shaving are big deals.

The truth in your answer is that she is a very caring woman and that you like her. She can actually be of help, believe me.

You could also switch your maternity leave - you get four months, but you don't have to start it right away- you can do sick days for the birth, then change your maternity leave to start later.

You will have the rest of your life to be alone with your baby... and she will help you through the worst of it, when the baby is so demanding.

Good luck and I hope you have a positive and healthy experience.

Antonio

Answer 5

My b/f is an LEO. I believe that the job is what you make of it. Alot of what you stated in your question could be said of other jobs too. Other stuff like driving your son to school and the other frivilous things that were on the list just make no sense.Law enforcement is a hard job to do. there is little to no gratification for a job well done. John Q Public is there to see fault in the way you do your job but are less likely to speak up when they see you save a family from a shootout or arrest another woman beater. Your job is always under scrutiny by others. I know many LEO's and some of them have never had to shoot their guns but others have had to. My officer says that when he was on patrol he never had to shoot his gun in 13 yrs. Now that he is on in investigations he draws it all the time but never has had to shoot it. There are pros and cons to every job. but you make due with what has to be done to be in a field that you want to be in. I personally would not give up my life with my officer. Yes things are rough sometimes but the moments we spend together are especially special because it isn't something that we do all the time. The thing you need to know is that those that have negative things about LE probably have no idea of the job and its requirements or have had bad experiences with it. i suggest that you go to the local police station and ask if maybe you could talk to someone about the job and may be do a ride along before you jump in with both feet. I hope this helps. Also Dont do things because of what other people say. Do things because you are informed and because it is something you want to do.....

Answer 6

I think her being a mother herself will be there but not be some much there. Do you understand. I'm sure she understands how it feels to have mommy baby time and I'm sure she'll respect that and give you guys your space. Make the best of the visit. From the way it sounds you don't have to see her that often. My mother in law lives 2 houses away.

Answer 7

I think your stressing over nothing. This woman has medical problems and is going on a 27 hour flight. Did you ever think that it might be to much for her and she might need a few days to rest? How about her visiting her son who she has not seen? I do not think she is doing all this just to take over the baby. You say she is a very caring so enjoy the visit and stop looking for problems that are not there. Let her spend as much time with the baby as possible as when she leaves when will be the next time for her to hold the baby after she goes home.

Answer 8

You are not selfish. You just want alone time with your baby. Try to think of things she could do outside the house while. Maybe there is another woman in your neighborhood that she could become friends with go and spend some time with. Perhaps your husband could take her out for lunch every weekend etc. Anything to for you to have sometime alone, or alone with your baby. I hope everything works out well. Take care.

Answer 9

well you wouldn't be able to know until she gets here, let's hope she is one of those who respects your space and who is not a nosy grandma... She could be very helpful and you'll probably miss her once she's gone, and this is only for 3 months imagine if she would stay with you forever!!!!!

i wouldn't be so worried just wait and if things don't come out good there's always ways to talk things and solve problems...

Answer 10

the best thing to do is as SOON as she gets there sit down and talk with her. let her know how grateful you are that she is there and that she'll be helping but let her know that you have some anxiety about it too. let her know that you would like atleast one day a week with just you and the baby, that way there will be no hurt feelings later.
good luck!