How should I handle a coworker who talks down to me?

Question

I am a graduate student in my first year of study. A new graduate student was added to the program this semester and we share the same advisor as well as the same office. I have made every effort to be kind and friendly to her. In my opinion, she has interpreted my kindness for weakness and has started to talk down to me in a pretentious manner. She takes every opportunity to try and make me feel inferior and stupid. I want to be professional in the way I handle this situation but I cannot deal with her attitude anymore. Its beginning to interfere with my productivity and self esteem. What should I do?

Answer 1

I'm guessing that this person feels intimidated by you and is trying to make herself feel less insecure by trying to seem superior to you whenever possible. I mean, you are ahead of her in the program so on the academic hierarchy she is "inferior" to you. I feel sorry for her. I'm wondering if, perhaps, this person is older than you? Maybe she feels jealous that someone younger than her has already accomplished so much in her graduate career. I have seen similar things in my department before.

In any interpersonal situation, talking to her and telling her that you felt bad when she said such-and-such and asking her not to make these kind of comments anymore is basically all you can do. You could also ask for a reassignment to another office, if necessary or maybe just try to use the office at times when she's not there if it's convenient for you. You could also just cut off conversation by listening to music while you are working or something so she can't strike up a conversation with you. Honestly, I think if you look at it as an expression of her insecurity that will motivate you to be nice to her and not let it bother your self-esteem. You could also mention the problem you are having to your advisor or department chair in a private meeting and get the department involved if necessary. In whatever you do, make sure that you handle the situation with complete professionalism, tact, and diplomacy. It will reflect MUCH better on you if you stay on a completely professional level.

Don't worry about what others will think about the situation. Your advisor will judge you by the quality of your work, not by what others say about you. Us academics are very smart people and professors understand very well about interpersonal politics. My guess is that you are not the only person in the department who has had problems with this person, so please don't worry that anyone will start to believe her judgments about you.

One last thought: Your officemate may be dealing with circumstances of which you are unaware. Perhaps she finds the workload of graduate school more stressful than expected or perhaps she is even dealing with something like an anxiety disorder or other mental illness. Tread lightly and with compassion and I don't think you'll regret it.

Answer 2

First of all, good for you for taking the high road. I would have mopped the floor with that snotty $%#@^ on Day One, but it is much better the way you're handling it. Secondly, one thing I've learned about pretentious, condescending shrews is that other people besides you can see through her manipulative little games. By that I mean that she may think that she has your advisor and some of the others in your department snowed by her phony displays of knowledge and reliability, but they can spot someone like her a million miles away. Just continue to grin and bear her deprecating attitude, and you will get your reward from the higher-ups once they see that you are not about to get your feathers ruffled by Miss High-And-Mighty. If it gets to the point where it interferes with your ability to do good work, you will need to confront her by saying, "I'm sorry, I get the feeling that I've done something to make you angry with me. Is there something I can work on to communicate with you better from now on?" If she replies with a snarky comment or observation on your "weakness," it will then be time to set up a little sit-down with your supervisor to discuss the matter. Just don't cry or sound whiny in the meeting- employers hate that. Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Don't let her realize that she is having this effect on you. Stay cool because losing it will only make you look hysterical, which you aren't. When she is laying on the attitude thick, like when she speaks to you, turn away and talk to another colleague in a cheerful way, about something completely different, like news of a mutual friend or an upcoming promotion, for example. Continue to be friendly and don't show hostility to the girl. The second time she starts the act, again turn away and talk to someone else or make a routine 'phone call, keeping cool all the while. Twice ought to show her that her rudeness is going to be ignored, and she might well start acting normal after that.

Answer 4

Oh boy... Well I don't expect you to take me seriously because I'm still not out of school yet, but you should confront her because you got nothing to lose. I mean, if she tries to do anything worse to you, you'd have reason to complain to your advisor and get her (or you) the hell out of there, right? Or you could maybe stop being too nice and/or just ignore her attempts to roll over you. Regard everything she tells you as pointless and not worth thinking about, because it isn't worth it. Maybe you could ask her what the point is in insulting you all the time. I had a classmate who was like that.

I'd say good luck but I might jinx it. Sorry.

Answer 5

people like that needed to be handled in the view of others. I would say in a firm voice the next time she does it"please do not talk to me in that way from now on"if you do this and no results then you need to bring in a 3rd party to deal with this on a one on one basis. Life will get like this and you must make a stand and hold firm to what you believe in. You believe you have the right to be treated fair and then fight for it. good luck

Answer 6

Wow, I would stop wasting my time with this witch. (No offence, Wiccans.) When she talks down to you, ask her exactly what she means by saying what she does to her and then inform her that you don't appreciate the way she treats you. If it continues, bring it up to your boss. Don't let her get away with it though. No one has the right to make you feel stupid or bad about yourself, especially since you were trying to be nice in the first place. Good luck, God bless

Answer 7

best to just ignore her. My guess is that it is just her personality...she was probably one of the "mean girls" in her school....could be that it makes her feel better about herself. Could be that she feels like she is in competition w/ you and doesn't want to be friendly. Tough to give more advice w/out you sharing specific instances I suppose. But depending on the kind of person you are (obviously a kind nice one lol) but sometimes you have to be a bit tough and just speak your mind back.

*it never hurts to just pull her aside and say "look, i really am trying to understand why your talking down to me like that" Maybe you don't realize your doing this, but it kind of hurts my feelings, and I wish you would stop.

*if it relates to something specific that this person is talking about, you just have to be able to defend the idea or thought that she's bringing down upon you. stick up for yourself and don't let this person walk all over you. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and say whats on your mind. She isn't your superior, and if its interferring w/ work and your self-esteem, you defnitely need to do something about it.

Answer 8

Do not allow people to rent space in your brain. Someone told me this once and it's helped me. This person has obviously been taught/told, whatever --- that to get ahead you must walk on people. Try your best to avoid this person. Your intuition is right -- go with it. Don't let it affect your self esteem. Be strong....walk tall.......head up high. It is not necessary to sink to their level. They've probably had a lifetime of hurt and this is their way to give back what they were taught.

Answer 9

punch her

jk
but really you can be known as the really nice one who is a total pushover. its always nice to be known as the nice person
orrr.. you could be tough and save yourself the grief.. just tell it to her like it is. retain your maturity but at the same time be firm
you will probably stil be known as super nice cause im sure you will save alot of other people in this office the same grief you are getting

Answer 10

Laugh on the inside. Just know that at least half of what she says is exaggeration and the other half is crap.

Only incompetents (that would plural for incompetent people, my own word) think talking down to people is worthwhile