What am I doing right or not? Is this what you would do?

Question

1)I went and got his original birth certificate. He was named "Baby Boy ******" do you think it hurt him to see he didn't have a name?

2)We plan on to move to a community that has many adoptive families and a great special-needs program. Do you think it will help to be around other adopted children?

3)We have tons of pics of everyone in the b-family ( I got them myspace...is that wrong?)

4)I attempt to keep in contact with b-family (but they're not to interested.) Should I keep trying or just accept that they don't want contact?

5) kept the doggie his b-dad bought for him when he was in the NICU. I let him play with it and he keeps it in his crib. I want him to enjoy it.

6) I have all of his birth records and an extensive medical history of both sides of the fam. Will it hurt him to read about the day he was born. HE was SOOOO sick and almost died because of the decisions his b-parents made. Not sure how to handle this one. I know to be honest, but it'll hurt him.

Answer 1

1. My Birth Certificate has no name, just because I was a home birth. Doesnt hurt my feelings.
2. Doesnt matter, but being around others is a good thing, adopted or not.
3. Its not wrong.
4. Keep track of where they are, and dont contact them.
5. Thats sweet. =)
6. when he asks for it, give it to him.

Good Luck

www tinyike com

Answer 2

1)I went and got his original birth certificate. He was named "Baby Boy ******" do you think it hurt him to see he didn't have a name?

Yes, but not as much, perhaps, when he understands it in context. Glad you got his OBC!

2)We plan on to move to a community that has many adoptive families and a great special-needs program. Do you think it will help to be around other adopted children?

Yes, but are you moving very far away from his natural family? I hope not!

3)We have tons of pics of everyone in the b-family ( I got them myspace...is that wrong?)

No, MySpace is public.

4)I attempt to keep in contact with b-family (but they're not to interested.) Should I keep trying or just accept that they don't want contact?

Please stay in contact. This is undoubtedly very painful for them but never never give up - it's for the sake of the child!

5) kept the doggie his b-dad bought for him when he was in the NICU. I let him play with it and he keeps it in his crib. I want him to enjoy it.

I think that's lovely, hope you hang on to it forever.

6) I have all of his birth records and an extensive medical history of both sides of the fam. Will it hurt him to read about the day he was born. HE was SOOOO sick and almost died because of the decisions his b-parents made. Not sure how to handle this one. I know to be honest, but it'll hurt him.

As long as you present it in such a way that explains people make mistakes when they do not have control over their own lives. He should understand that their actions were never meant to hurt him intentionally. I am sure they feel badly enough.

If he senses any blame on them coming from you (or anyone else for that matter), he will internalize it. Just be careful.

Answer 3

I think it's great you have his birth certificate for him, before it got sealed forever.

Most mothers do give their babies a name, but it is not always recorded on the official documentation. From what I've heard from first mothers who surrendered their children, most of them had named their children, even though it was never written anywhere

Regarding contact - it may be really painful for the first family and people's feelings change over time so I would definitely say keep the door wide open

I'm sure he will treasure the doggie his dad bought him and love you for holding onto such a precious keepsake

Honesty and openness is always healthier than secrets and lies

Answer 4

WOW Florida girl – I wish my a-mum had had as much insight as you do.
What amazing things you are doing for your son.

My thoughts -

1) Birth Cert – fantastic that you have it.
I was sad when I found that I hadn’t been named by my mother. To me I wanted a name that she had given me herself. I’m a girl – sometimes way more emotional than a boy!!
So yeah – he may be upset by it – he may not. And it’s OK either way. Life is painful – but better that than being untruthful.
Just explain what you know as to the reason why – and if you don’t know – suggest possible reasons – but say that you don’t know because his mother never told you.

2) Yes – I think that being around other adoptees can be good. It’s nice to be able to identify with others that have experienced similar events in your life. More than anything though – he wants approval for his feelings from you – so remain sympathetic at all times and allow him to voice his truth. Sometimes it may seem hurtful to you – especially as teens approach – but know that the words often come from a place of hurt. He didn’t ask to be born to parents that couldn’t parent him. Perhaps also suggesting some kind of journaling down the track – that is private just for him. It is sometimes a good way to work out what’s going on in your own head. He may want to share – he may not. That choice should always remain his.

3) Pics – great. From Myspace – it’s public – so not wrong. If it’s the only place you have to get photos for him for now – I don’t see a prob. Mirroring is just an amazing thing for the adoptee – being able to see others of your own clan. It’s nothing personal against the adoptive parent – it’s just something that so many adoptees don’t have – and often long for.

4) Contact – I believe you should always leave the door open. Situations and circumstances can always change. But I think that your son will really appreciate (when he’s older) the attempts that you have made.

5) The doggie – that is just awesome – and brought a tear to my eye. How precious for him to have such a special gift from his natural father. It’s like a piece of evidence that he was loved/thought of by his first parents. Something I know many many adoptees long to really know.
Take many photos of him with the Doggie also – a backup for the possible disaster of it going missing!! Mementoes of this kind are very special to the adoptee.

6) Medical records. Not 100% sure myself. But he’ll be so glad that you have them. Yeah it could be very tricky – and age appropriateness is very important. I saw once that an adoptive parent explained it by saying that the parents were very very sick themselves and didn’t understand what harm they were doing to him, leading up to his birth. It’s not totally sugar coating it – but I have seen drug addiction being likened to a mental illnesses or a sickness. Do a little research on the topic – about addiction etc. Be prepared for questions – as they will come. The better you are prepared – the better likelihood of it being less painful in the long run.

Joining the adoption forum – Soul of Adoption – could be very helpful – and you could ask the question about medical history there. They’re sure to come up with some good answers. There are adoptees and first mums there – but way more adoptive parents – with great ideas. I’d give it a shot.
http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.php

Thank you for sharing here what you have done. And I thank you on behalf of your son.
Poss. xx

Answer 5

I think it is wonderful that you have his original birth certificate. KUDOs to you in a major way. Yes I would think it would help to be in a community with other adopted children. It will make him feel less alone. The pictures are great too. Accept that they may not want contact. Its okay. It does happen. Just keep their names in a safe place. When the time comes, you will be there to support. Believe it or not, this openness will further your own relationship with your son. No it will not hurt him at all. My own adoptive mother gave me all the information that she could remember but I was born in 1960s. The adoption agency did not give paperwork even to the adoptive parents. I would have found by now. As many other adoptees outside of this agency have found. It was exclusive to the agency. I think you are doing a fantastic job. Keep it all age appropriate. Keep researching adoptees and natural parents. You are doing great. I for one applaud your actions. It is what my mother has done for me.

Answer 6

I didn't give my daughter a name on her birth certificate just because it hurt me too much. I wanted the adoptive parents to be able to name her. I knew I was going to give her up, so I just put her as "Baby Girl ........"

I think knowing other adoptive kids would be neat. Then he'll know he's not the only one.

I have email contact and physical contact with the adoptive family. My baby will know who I am, I'll know her. I think it takes away the mystery of where they have come from. My daughter will know both the birthfather and I from the beginning. She won't wonder who we are or who she looks like.

Maybe give the birthfamily some time. It's a very painful thing. I wanted contact because I wanted to know. It's tough placing a child. Give them time to heal a little and just keep them updated with what's going on. They may change their minds.

I have gotten a lot of things and made things for my daughter and the adoptive family loves that. I think it's great that you've kept that for him. It'll show that his birthdad did think of him and he's not forgotten. It'll be something special for him.

I'm not sure about that last one. My little girl was a preemie and born at home. I wrote out the whole thing if she wants to read it someday. I would maybe have him decide. I think that would be a personal choice. He may not want to know, he may want to know everything.

Good luck and God bless. You sound like an awesome adoptive parent who is trying to do the right thing. You sound a lot like the adoptive parents I chose :) Enjoy your little boy!

Answer 7

Im adopted and wish my parents did all this for me, they did do one in that they got me interacting with other adopted children and that really helped because I could share my problems/issues etc with them. You are a wonderful parent and I am sure your child will be happy and grateful that you have done all this. Tell him snippits and say that you have more information if he ever wants to look. What would have been great for me would be to have all that in a box that I could get out and look at if I was struggling. Because there are times when you feel grief, even years later or are curious about something and it would be good if he had free access to these things.

Answer 8

You have time to decide what to do. I have a lot of the info for my children that you do. The birth family does not stay in contact with me either but I continue to send the pics and updates to the caseworker as I said I would till they were 18.
I am sure you will get advice to tell and not to tell. Just pray about it and watch your child as he grows and then you will know how much to tell him. It may be that you just give him little bits over time. As for being around other adopted children I don't think it is a requirement. The child needs love. I have a quilt that the birth mother gave one of my kids and I keep it safe now but let him use it when he was small

Answer 9

You know... the best thing that my parents did for me was to let me know. I don't remember them telling me I was adopted... I just always knew. They also NEVER made it a big deal. It was just how it was.... they didn't give birth to me... but they were my parents. When I turned 18 they gave me a letter from my birth mother and I found her and we are friends. It doesn't usually work that way. Just focus on being a good parent... exactly in the same way you would if you had given birth to him. Don't hide it from him, don't make it a big deal....

Answer 10

I think you are doing great! Keep trying to communicate with them. That is all you can do. At least make sure they know how to get in touch with you. If you move, let them know. Other than that, I would leave it alone. I am a birthmother and my son is 4 yrs old. I tend to not call for months and feel so guilty about it, that time continues to build. Luckily, his adoptive mom calls me to check on me. In that case, I always feel better.

Hang in there! I am trying to get better at communication myself.