How can I get over abuse as a child and live as a functional adult?

Question

I was verbally and emotionally abused by my stepfather for the latter half of my childhood. He never did molest me physically but he did make lewd comments and insisted to my mother I was having sex when I was only 12, which I was not. Sometimes he would get drunk and actually crawled into bed with me a couple of times, I guess he thought I was my mother. I was always worthless, stupid, a **** and a ***** from the time I was 9, according to him. My older brother left because he had the option, but I didn't. I could never do anything right, and I never learned to trust myself or my instincts. That has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my adult life. I kept quitting college, because I was convinced I couldn't do it, I wasn't good enough. I married a man that abused me and my children, but I left him and we still do not have a place of our own. I am convinced I am a bad mother, so they often stay with my mom, but she thankfully divorced my stepdad a long time ago. How can I heal myself?

Answer 1

First of all, from the way you present your story, you sound very educated to me. Then again I don't know how old you are. But! You seem very smart, so that's one good step in the right direction! Plus the fact you're asking for help also shows you're strong and truly want to get out of the rut you're in.

I guess the mains things are:

-Try not to suspect everyone. If you've gone though something traumatic like this, you're apt to be suspicious of other people and not trust them. You might miss out on a good friendship.

-Don't abuse your kids. I believe you don't, and never will, after going through what you did. But many abused parents carry over that behavior to their child. If you ever feel the urge to hit them, just don't. It's not worth it.

-Find more people like you. If you can, try to talk with other people who may have been abused as a child. You two can help each other, and you may trust them more since they went through what you did.

-Try not to think about what happened so long ago. Of course, you can never forgive and forget, and I personally do not belive in forgiving such abuse. Just try not to get too sad or down about it. It's in the past. You're free now. You have control of your life, not your dad.

Good luck! You sound like you'd make such a wonderful mother! Don't doubt yourself so much!

Answer 2

You need to go get some counselling this is the only way you will learn that you are a human being not the worthless person you've been conditioned to believe you are. A counsellor will help you to talk through all the bad things and see that your ex-step father was the problem not you. Good luck with this I hope you realize that you are a good person and a great Mom - just admitting you want help is a great start.

Answer 3

I too was an abuse victim. I used all that hatred that my parents showed me, and I used it to know what not to do. Anything that they did wrong, I try to make myself better than them. After my first child died, I was horrified of having another kid. I now have one, but I am scared to death that I will hurt him, because my father and mother had hurt me. I have used what knowledge I gained from it for my benefit. Focus on giving your children better lives than you had. Even if you just don't use hateful words toward them, they will have had a better childhood. I also had put myself into a psychiatrict treatment center, which I believe helped me at least slightly.

Think of this life with your kids as a new start of your life. You have a chance to show love to someone who only wants to feel loved. I never used to believe the phrase "The best revenge is living" but I am slowly starting to use it. My father is still alive and visits, and whenever he is near I pretty much smother my girlfriend and child. He hates it, and I love it.

Answer 4

I also had an abusive stepfather who finally ended his butt in prison after beating my mother and I so bad that the newpaper heading said "mother and daughter left for dead". I have had plastic surgery on my face to look normal again and my mother will always have problems as her back was broken. It took this for my mother to finally leave him - she loved him and I could never understand why. Probably never will and I accept that. I am 32 now and this happened when I was 13. I never really think about it and definately don't use if for an excuse for ANYTHING! It's in the past, I lived through it, and it's over. Be done. I don't even tell anybody because I'm afraid that they will look at me different if I do. However, if it comes up I don't mind telling it. It's a part of my life that IS OVER!!! I am a successful woman and a wonderful mother, and a good wife. That's it! Be done with it! Pick your chin up and be glad that "MFer" isn't in your life anymore - AND NEVER WILL BE AGAIN!

Answer 5

therapy , therapy , therapy, talking about it to complete strangers, create awarness, keep a diary and write down feelings, flashbacks and emtions, tell yourself your not to blame, get into a child abuse advocate group in your area, help support mothers of children abused and children themselves, write judges for maxium penalties when you see cases in your local paper on behalf of abuse victims, attend court and sit on victims side ( we usually arent supported) write your local newspaper and ask them to bring awareness to child abuse. open up a blog or web page and create more awarness for child abuse , you would be surprised how many people out there have no idea the horrors some children live every day , they think it just happens in the movies . attend a group therapy, or online support group , sometimes anonomity and talking about just makes you feel better. confront your abuser, prosecute your abuser, teach your children to always tell you if they feel uncomfortable around someone and that you dont keep secrets. Read books on child abuse, sometimes hearing about others stories , makes you feel your not so alone. Confront those that knew of the abuse and didnt help you ! be good to yourself , take one day a week for just you , dont be so hard on yourself.this is something you have to work through , dont do as the others are saying above me , dealing with it is a must, shoving it away and not thinking about , will lead to more problems down the road. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

you start taking responsibilty for your actions and decisions. you stop saying, "I was abused, and this is why I am this way."
I was abused, and I made some bad choices. But I took responsiblity and learned from them, I didn't make excuses about my childhood. It's not an easy or simple thing to do, it takes a lot of reconditioning of how you perceive urself. But thats what you do to heal yourself. And for goodness sakes, get a back bone, stand on your own two feet and be a mother to the children you brought into this world. If you're a bad mother it's you're responsibiltiy to do better, what other choice do you have?

Answer 7

Keep a journal. Write a book about your life. Draw. Write songs. Express yourself in as many creative ways as possible. One day, you can look back at your artwork in a gallery, listen to your number one song on the radio, or walk past your best-selling book in the bookstore and say "I did that!" Do things that will make you feel proud of yourself as often as possible. I like to put together those 'easy-to-assemble' pieces of furniture from Target or Wal-Mart. It's nothing major, but it makes me feel good knowing that I did it all by myself. Your past has been torn to pieces so now you have to re-build yourself from the ground up. Have fun with it! You can do it!

Answer 8

Regardless of whatever may have happened to you, your only excuse for not doing the right things to be a 'functional' adult, whatever that means, is not knowing the difference between right and wrong.

You know that the things that happened to you/were done to you by others is wrong, so for you to follow in that path and do those same things, you also know is wrong. Do not do what you know to be wrong.

Plenty of successful people endured abuse as a child. They overcame it by deciding that it wasn't going to hold them back. Others never escape the cycle of making the same mistakes fueled by self-pity, and using the excuse 'I was abused as a child' as a crutch.

You know what's right, so do right. Doing right is rarely easy, and too many people look for the easy way. It's up to you, the past is the past.