Should I marry him or break off the engagement?

Question

I have been engaged for about 10 months with no definite wedding date set. My fiance and I have been together for over 4 years. Over the last few months I have realized that we are really not compatible in many ways. We have no common interests, our family backgrounds are completely different, and I am starting to doubt that I really even love him. He is a wonderful guy, and obviously there is something good about us for us to stay together for so long. I just don't want to end up in a bad marriage. But, one of the reasons I am reluctant to break off the engagement is that I would owe him $5,000 and cannot afford to pay him back right now. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Answer 1

I'm with qman on this one...it would be wrong and untrue to yourself to let a $5000 debt relegate you to a lifetime of regret. Get a loan to pay it back if the need arises, or work out a payment plan.

First, I really think you should talk to your fiance about what you're feeling. If he's such a wonderful guy, it's possible he already knows what you're thinking. He might even feel the same way, but maybe he's scared to break it off for fear he'll never see his $5000.

Second, you have to be true to yourself. Think ten years down the road...what if it turns out like you've described? Ten years spent with someone you have no common interests with and who you're not even sure you love. Consider that scenario, and ask yourself if you'd pay $5000 to get that ten years back.

I think I know the answer to that one, and I think you do as well.
Good luck. I hope this turns out well for both of you.

Answer 2

I think you have pre-wedding jitters. If you've been with him for 4 years there's definately something there. Opposites attract and it's not necessarily a bad thing that you have no common interests. You both have different interests that will allow you time and space from each other which is always needed in any relationship. But you have to come together on somethings and as long as you do that you should have a healthy relationship.
My relationship was the same way, different family histories, nothing in common, but we were crazy about each other. It took me 3 years to marry him and that was even after we had a child together and then bought a house together. we got married and yes, somethings do change, but it's been 12 years and he's grown into being a husband, a great father and a hard worker.
Jitters are good and then they are bad. Only you can decide what it is your actually feeling and make a decision based on your feelings about him, not the differences. The differences don't seem to be the issue for you in the past 4 years.
And if you really don't want to be with him but the money is your reason for staying then you have your priorities mixed up. Money should never be the reason why you stay with someone. In your situation if you stay for not having to owe him money what are you going to do when the marriage does go bad and your going to lose a lot more then 5K in a divorce. Lawyer fees, possessions, etc.
SO ask yourself if you truly want to be with him or without him? Without him you can always make payments to him if you can't afford the whole amount.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

Well staying with someone because you cant afford to pay them back money you owe is not a good reason, that is for sure.
To decide if you really dont love him, think about this.....imagine you have broken up. Can you imagine living your life without him in it. Can you watch him move on with another woman without feeling jealous. Would you miss him if he was out of your life?
All relationships go thru periods where you have ups and downs. There are times in a long relationship where things are great, and then there may be times when you have doubts.
Something has kept you guys together this long. What do you think it is? Make sure you are just not going thru a low period before you do anything rash. Chances are in a months time things could look rosy again....however if you have been feeling this way for months then perhaps it is best to set up an arrangement to pay him back his money, even if only $20 a week....and set him free so he can move on and find a woman that will love him.
There is no point staying in a relationship if you are genuinely miserable, but dont throw away a good thing over a couple of bad months......Think long and hard and good luck.

Answer 4

you said no first time he asked you to marry, maybe he is surprised you have said yes and has cold feet and trying to act like a pig so you will break off engagement. ask him normally people who hide bad behaviour wait until after the marriage, not during engagement. maybe try a longer engagement don't worry about the relatives, THEY won't be living with him. playing cards once a week does not sound too bad, even when he is married he will still want to do some stuff for fun. i would guess the card playing is with other men? Man needs mens company too as long as it is not every night. He may be scared you will keep him locked up like a child at home when you are married. discuss with him how you will work out the bills if you get married, suggest you both have a certain amount of money you can spend as you like every week. if he wants to gamble his once a week it may not be so bad.

Answer 5

You know the answer, it is just that you want confirmation for your decision. You should break off this engagement pronto! Tell him that because of incompatibility and background differences, you have come to the conclusion that this marriage will not work. It will only end in divorce, so why go through that. The fact that you owe him $5,000 should not stop you. I would break it off, give him back his ring, and discuss a payment plan for the money you owe him. Tell him you cannot afford to pay him back all at once but you would be willing to pay him back something every payday. Good Luck to you

Answer 6

Hi. You have a hard decision.

Please don't let $5,000 stand in your way. The cost of a wedding, and a subsequent divorce will be much more than that....not to mention all the heartache.

Something in your post caught my eye. "Our family backgrounds are completely different." Please take it from me who has "been there, done that"....I have been married now for 30 years, however, I NOW realize that had I known about our differences in family backgrounds early on....I would never have gotten married. It has been a struggle all these 30 years....and it WON'T change. Thankfully, we rarely see my husband's family. I had only been with them once or twice BEFORE we married, so I didn't see it coming. I was also very young (20).

My advice would be to break off the engagement and start paying him back....get a loan if you have to.

Good luck in your decision!

Answer 7

Different family backgrounds isn't a death nail for a wedding. common interests can be garnered. If you doubt you really love him than you need to do some soul searching before you set a date, shop for wedding stuff or break the engagement off. The money thing, you need to talk to him about. I highly doubt that he will demand you to pay him back before you are married but you should still figure out a payment plan of sorts.

Answer 8

First off, you do not owe someone money for a gift they give you. If you feel bad about it, give the ring back, that is all you are obligated to do. (unless that is not what you owe the money for) Now, as for my own personal experience, I was with someone for over 6 years and had nearly everything in common. We were married for 11 months and divorced. Now, I am remarried and have grown up alot... My whole perception of marriage has changed and a successful marriage somewhat depends on how happy and content you are with yourself. My husband and I are like oil and water. Are families are different, our personalities, interests, even where we are from. (Me-Cali, Him -Illinois.) You also have to think about how life would be WITHOUT him. And what's wrong with being engaged? Some people are engaged for years before they get married. Marriages are a lot of work, adn compromise. That's why you have to be confident in who you are, to determine what parts of you will have to adapt to being with another. Take your time, divorces are UGLY.

Answer 9

Yeah, RUN to a bank, take out a loan for the money, pay him the $5,000 and call off the wedding! Do NOT marry someone just because you owe him money! That is a horrible
reason to get married! It sounds like to me he doesn't seem to care much if you get married or not anyway, cause after 10 months and no date set... it's just a convenience or a security to be together and that is not good enough to marry anyone!
You really need to be able to be totally in love with him and it sounds like you are not in love at all... GET OUT NOW!!! OK!

Answer 10

Beak off the engagement and give him the reasons you stated above. He should be thankful that you were honest. Better to lose 4 years and 5K then to spend the next 16 yrs regretting your decision to go through with it. Beside what will you do if you happen to bring children into the world and end up a single Mom.

Be honest with him about the money and perhaps you can come to some sort of arrangement to repay him over time. If not I would suggest borrowing the money from someone who you can make this type of repayment agreement with.