call off wedding because she wants to hifenate last name?

Question

is it being childish? or as men do you feel that if she doesnt accept your name FULLY she is not accepting you fully?

also would you mind if she just kept her own name?

Answer 1

What's in a name? It's very childish. She is still the same person whatever name she uses. I am married but do not use my husbands name at all, and he doesn't have any problem with it. Be grateful she wants to hyphenate your surnames.

Answer 2

If you're so worried about her wanting to hyphenate her last name, then you and your future wife might want to get premarital counseling (assuming this is happening to you and isn't just a hypothetical question).

A lot of women want to hyphenate their last names so that they can keep their family's last name, but still have their husband's last name. Unless the husband has a horrible last name, it probably has nothing to do with not fully accepting him or his last name.

Also, because in the past a woman took her husband's name to show his ownership over her, some women today don't want to take a man's name. They would rather keep at least part of their independence by way of a hyphenated last name.

I would seriously not be concerned if a woman didn't want to just take her husband's last name. This is no reflection of her love for or acceptance of her husband. (Since she's going to marry you, hopefully she loves you and accepts you.)

If it bothers you that much, why don't you ask her about it? Maybe she has a really good explanation that you haven't thought about yet.

If this is something you can't get over, counseling might be a good idea, because you'll certainly have disagreements and differences of opinion during your marriage, and they might be a lot more serious than this.

Answer 3

No, this doesn't mean she accepts you fully. What it does mean is she doesn't want to lose her own identity. How would you feel if she began to demand that you change your last name to hers? How she wants to be named shouldn't be as much of a concern as how your children will be named.

If you want to call off the wedding because of something like this, how are you going to handle problems down the road? I can imagine you saying as a husband whenever you don't get your way "I want a divorce." Calling off a wedding is a serious decision and you shouldn't be threatening her with that. The way you're handling this disagreement is childish and doesn't bode well for your marriage. You need to learn how to argue -- there are things you just don't say.

Answer 4

Would you take HER name? Why, in this modern day and age would she really need to take your name? Women are no longer given away by their fathers for a dowery...They are not given into arranged marriages, to be under the control of their husbands. There is no real reason for taking your husband's name these days, other than for you to have the same last name as your children.

If you genuinely desire to call off the wedding due to this issue, maybe you should not have been getting married in the first place...you need to examine your real motivation.

Yes, I think you are being childish. If you genuinely want things to be "fair"...and accept each other fully....then allow her to hyphenate her last name...and YOU take the hyphenated name too...you both will share the same last name, then....and you will both retain your individuality too.

~Kat

Answer 5

If it is that important than you may want to rethink things. She is marrying you and your kids will have your last name, even if she hyphenates hers. Many professional women do hyphenate their names or even keep their maiden names bc they are already known in the community and professionally that way. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. I would try really hard to accept this request she is making. Also tho, try and find out WHY she wants to do this. She may have some very valid reasons. If, in the end, you feel like this issue is a deal breaker, than by all means don't marry her. I know lots of people who wish they gone ahead and gotten out and regretted not doing it. On the other hand, I know those who had the guts to pull the plug and are happier for it. It's just a personal decision you will have to make.

Answer 6

first of all, the correct spelling is "hyphenate".

As far as the name change: how much does it really matter? It seems very petty to get upset over that.

If she doesn't want to take your last name, are you willing to take hers? If not, then you shouldn't ask her to change her name. She is still the same person, regardless of marital status, and a name is a very important part of an identity. The core of a person's identity doesn't change just because he/she gets married. I completely understand that some people want all the family to have the same or simlar last names, but it's not fair to automatically expect the woman to give up her name.

I personally think that the hypen is a great compromise. The only reason I'm keeping my name instead of hyphenating is because both our last names are really long. 22 letters, 8 syllables, plus a hypen is just a bit much! :-)

Answer 7

You are being childish. She is marrying you for you, not your name. Look at it another way, when you marry why don't you take her name? There is no law saying you can't, but I'm betting you wouldn't want to for whatever reason.
Women can also feel a loss of identity being married. They go from being the same person all their life to being Mrs Barry Jacobs for example. She has been completely erased.
Or maybe she just likes her name better. There is nothing wrong with that.
Perhaps you should look at the fact that she is hyphenating your name to hers, not expelling it completely.

Answer 8

If a fight breaks out over the last name I doubt the relationship is that strong. If someone considers breaking off an engagement over a hyphenated last name then it should be broken off due to being unable to accept the feelings of his future spouse.

There are reasons for a woman to keep her own last name and there are men who take the woman's last name as well.

Answer 9

Perhaps you aren't accepting her fully, since you can't see how important her name is to her. If you are worried about having different last names, you also have the option to take hers or for you both to use a hyphenated surname.

Seriously, though, if you can't come to terms with each other on this, you are in for a shock, because of marriage is full of compromises like this. Maybe ask her to talk to a third party about it or something. Premartial counseling is great and find a way to understand each other on this and compromise may give your marriage a good place to start.

Answer 10

How silly. If you are calling off the marriage because she wont take your name then you obviously have deeper issues....because this is not a biggie at all. Definitely the man would be being childish.
There might be some reason for her wanting to keep her last name.
I was married in my teens and my husband insisted on me taking his name. He was quite childish about it. His last name was plain and boring and harsh sounding, while my last name is really nice and complements my name. I let him bully me into changing my name, should of seen the writing on the wall. I ended up divorcing this childish and controlling man.
It felt so good to resume my birth last name. Like finding myself again. My surname is the only thing I have of my father's who died when I was 4. I dont remember him, but I want to always keep his name.
I am getting married in July next year to a wonderful man who loves me as I am. He just wants to marry me. He isnt pressuring me to change my name. He wants me to keep mine, but because I adore him with all my heart, I am choosing to hyphenate my name.
I am proud of my surname and proud to be the chosen wife of my man so I think combining the two names is the best option for me.
By all means call off the wedding if you feel that strongly about it, if you cant handle that then you are not ready for marriage anyways...........

Answer 11

I think that's a pretty bad reason to call off your wedding. I don't know what her name is, but let's just say her name is Jill Jones. Would you love her any less if her name was Stephanie Smith? What's in a name, really?

She's marrying you because she loves you, not so she can get a different name. Keep it simple, and remember what you're doing this for.

I assumed that my wife was going to keep her name. She's a smart, strong, independent woman so I just didn't think anything about it. About three months before our wedding, she surprised me by telling me she was going to take my last name instead. It was her decision, and the reasons she had for making her decision reflected her personality.

Her personality is what I love most about her. It's why I married her. I would have married her no matter what her name was or what her name was going to be.