What to do about my Father in law?

Question

My husband will be returning home very soon after doing a 15 month deployment to Iraq, as a welcome home gift I purchased his dad a ticket to fly up and see my husband (his son). My husband is very excited, however I am not ...for the simple fact that within the past 10 months my F.I.L. has become VERY VERY religious, every week he goes to a baptist church, a methodist church , a catholic church and he also attends a synagogue. We are all catholics, my husband,son and I do attend church on sundays. But wedont want to listen to what my F.I.L. has to say, he just goes on and on telling us we are going to hell (why im not sure) the world is ending, he called our 15 year old son when i was out one day and told my son that he was going to hell because he plays video games. How can we (me and my husband) make it clear that we do not want to hear about his beliefs, he talks about it ALL the time. My sis in law has completely stopped talking to her dad because of how he is.

He wasnt like this a year ago when I purchased the ticket...He is 68 years old and on alot of meds.

We are stationed 2800 miles away from him so I cant check up on him or go see his dr., I know he has many medical conditions, COPD,EMPHYSZEMA, he is on blood thinners and Im not sure what else hes on. He tells me god doesnt like fat people, its against his religion to eat green veggies, hes going to tell my husband (we are both 33 years old) that our family isnt allowed to eat green veggies while he is here, he goes on about islamic beliefs...these are just a very few things he goes on about

Answer 1

My father started doing things like that after he had a minor stroke. We didn't know it at the time. He went from being easy going and playful to getting upset over minor things and his personality took a complete change. Heart problems sometimes cause the same results. Is he married? Would anyone know if he's been to a doctor recently? My dad went on some type of medicine for depression and he returned pretty much back to normal. Some people refuse to believe they have a problem and won't do it. If you can't get him to seek medical help, you may just have to put up with him this way or avoid him all together.

Answer 2

It was so generous of you to buy him a ticket to see his son under the circumstances! Since this is such a sudden thing, I wonder if your family has considered he may have a health condition?I'm not saying that being religious is a disease but the fact that he is going to so many denominations seems odd to me. I am not in the medical field so take that for what it is worth. I just wonder if it is possible that he was so worried about your husband that this is the only way he could cope. Maybe one of you could call his dr. and tell him what is going on and see if he thinks an exam is necessary. Otherwise, it is not right to tell his grandson he is going to hell for any reason. Have your son tell him you all respect his right to his beliefs but to kindly refrain from sharing them with everyone. He could point out that is what led to the strained relationship with his daughter. Tell him you each have your own relationships with God and would like to leave it at that. Of course, your husband should start off with saying how glad he is to see him and how much he looks forward to doing things with him.

Answer 3

Your father is verbally abusing you and your family without any grounds, especially biblical. This man is way to judgemental to be a practicing Christian, as to be a Christian one is instructed to before you judge the person with a speck of sawdust in his eye, remove the plank from your own eye.
Also it is written that you will be judged by how you judged others. (It sounds as if he is lost)
Your husband and yourself, seeing you are married and one, need to sit down and have your husband explain to his dad that you too believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior that as it is written you'll be saved by faith not harranging at people about their sin, and what he is telling your family is not only biblically incorrect but highly offensive to your family. Tell him you love him and are glad that he found the God, but when he comes to your house he is to honor your beliefs and not to be abusive. Telling a 15 year old boy he is going to hell is more abuse than I'd let someone give my child. Tell him now that you have had this discussion about faith, the topic is never to be brought up by him again when he visits or makes phone calls. Tell him if he continues his behavior he wil no longer be welcome in your home and if he ever calls your son again telling him he is going to hell, you're going to get restraint order stopping contact between him and his grandson so fast it will make his head spin.
It may be tough love, but if you don't make a stand and let him know what he says is wrong and how much it is hurting his relationship with his family (and probably friends) and you will not be doing him a favor. Perhaps he will make the change, but if he doesn't cut your losses before your son decides God is bad because of Grandpa or decides he must be going to hell because Grandpa said so.
If this doesn't make him change his behavior towards you and your family there may be no hope for him and you all may be better off without him in your lives.

Answer 4

I see this an opportunity to practice all the "good" things you learn in Catholic Church. Patience, tolerance, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, non-judgement, unconditional love. Yes, this is easy to say and harder to do under your circumstances BUT that is when we are supposed to try the hardest! It could be that all the meds he is on isn't helping him emotionally. There are side affects to all meds and if I were you I would look them up on the net and find out if one, or all of them effect judgement etc. Anyway, you did a really compassionate, understanding thing by buying him the ticket to see your husband. So you have started on the right road.
It is going to be challenging! Talk to your children and explain that this is their grandfather and it would be wonderful if they ignored the negatives and just looked for positives. Same with you and your husband. If you want him to be in your life, by YOU choosing to be there, then you will have to try and ignore his rantings. Be kind, when he is not being kind etc. I would like to share with you something by Mother Teresa of Calcutta:-

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered:
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives:-
\Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies: - Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you:- Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight:
Build anyway;
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous: Be happy anyway.
The good you do today people will often forget tomorrow:- Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

I believe the last two lines could relate to your situation.
This is all between you and God,and it is not between you and your Father In Law - anyway!

Answer 5

Your husband needs to confront his father and say a few things. First, he needs to know why his dad has decided to off the deep end with religion. What is he looking for? Is he dying of some medical problem? Did he have a near death experience? Also, your husband needs to make it quite clear that certain behavior will not be tolerated. He needs to be specific, and define and describe exactly what will not be acceptable, leaving no gray areas.
It sounds like something happened to this man to make him change. Your husband needs to find out what it is, so it can be addressed.
Dont drop the ball on this one, it could be very important.

Answer 6

That must be a very hard situation for you to be in. My advice would be discuss it with your husband so that he knows exactly how uncomfortable you feel about it (if he doesn't already), and from then talk to ur f.i.l about how although you respect his religion choices you do not wish for him to lecture you or talk to your son about it. And i guess let him know what the consequences will be if he continues with that behaviour.

Havent been in this situation before so its difficult to advise, hope it works out okay for you.

Answer 7

Especially since you provided him the ticket and invitation, it is appropriate for you to say...

"Dad, we're so excited to have XXX home after he's been gone so long. I'm sure it will take him a few days to get back in the swing of things here at home. I'd like to make sure that his return is as stress-free as possible, as I am sure you do.

I know that you have been spending a lot of time lately exploring your own religious beliefs, and we all respect you for doing that. Surely, XXX has seen some religious practices in Iraq that are different than those we have honored in our home. But, because we want to keep the visit as welcoming as possible, I need to ask you to leave discussions of religious beliefs out of this week. We are sure there will be plenty of time in the future to talk more openly, but please know that it is important to me that we hold those comments for another time. Please know that you are always welcome in our home, but if the visit becomes uncomfortable for any of us, we might have to shorten your stay."

Answer 8

My suspicion is that you FIL, may be having health issues other than getting older. There is not a lot that you can do. The best advice is to just try to tolerate it. I know that you and your husband have a lot on your plate with him just coming back from Iraq, but somehow you just need to get through this. My best wishes to both of you.

Answer 9

It really sounds like he is mentally ill. In normal cases, I'd suggest to just tell him flat out that you respect his right to have his beliefs, but you don't want to hear it. However, in this case, something like that probably won't work. It's really difficult dealing with the mentally ill. Is there anyone else in charge of his care, who could talk to his doctor? They might be able to get him on some meds.

Answer 10

There are two possibilities.

One is that God has called on him to save you all. The other is that he is just plain tetched. I fear it's the latter.

I don't know if the Baptist preacher will be very helpful, but your priest, the Methodist pastor, and the rabbi would probably appreciate knowing what's going on. Why not talk to the three (or four) of them individually, and see if you can schedule a meeting between them, your FIL, and yourself?