If someone who supposedly cared for you wasn't there when you needed them most, could you ever forgive them?

Question

Let's say you are at a time in your life when you really needed someone to be there for you - like if you have lost a friend that you were close to. If the one person that you thought cared for you did something that they knew would hurt you (and they could have prevented it) while you were already dealing with the loss of that friend, could you ever forgive them?

If so, how to you forgive someone for hurting you when you needed them the most?

Answer 1

Always remember they are human too. We would all like to think that we would be there for our loved ones no matter what, but let's be real, that's not true. You'd do whatever you could to be there for them, but the facts are that some extenuating circumstances could arise, and there could be a situation in which as much as you value your friend, family or loved one, you just can't be there. Whether it be logistical, geographical, emotional, or psychological, there could be something that happens that prevents them from being there, literally and figuratively.

Having said that, also remember that this person made a mistake. It was a particularly bad time to make a mistake, this is true, but that is all it was. A mistake, which happened to happen when it least needed to (if any mistake could ever said to "need" to happen). People make mistakes, and when we ask them to be perfect, even and ESPECIALLY when we decide we need them to be, we impose upon them and wrong them. Just because you need help, doesn't mean that another person has to be superhuman and be perfect at that time, because that's impossible.

The way to forgive is to look at the situation as a whole. You were hurting, and that is a terrrible situation. But that is a seperate situation from the wrong done you by your loved one, it just SEEMED to be the same. The truth is that this person wronged you, and they should apologize for that. Your already existing hurt seemed to compound and mix with the hurt that this person visited upon you, but this is not really what happened. You let your expectations for your loved one cloud your judgement of the totally new and different situation, and then your hurt melded together.

If this seems harsh it's really not. This person wronged you and needs to apologize. But you too have imposed upon this person, and melded your situation with what they did to you and that too is wrong. You have to accept that it's amazing when people go above and beyond and try to be there for you when you need it. But the key words in that are "above and beyond" and "try". Everyone is human, and may not realize when you need them most, and even if they do, trying CAN result in failing. You should forgive them if they try to make amends, and by realizing the entirety of the situation and how your feelings impact your thoughts and your relationships, use this opportuntity to grow yourself and your relationship with this person.

Answer 2

There is no easy part to this situation but that's life. The hard thing about friends and family that are close to you is that inevitably they will some time or another let you down and or do something that will hurt you. You see, you wouldn't care about that person so much if they didn't know you so well, if you hadn't made yourself vulnerable to them and they to you. But as the old saying goes, the ones you love will always hurt you the most. But that isn't because they are mean and spiteful people, (if that's how they are all the time or even most of the time why are you friends with them?) But instead it means that they are vulnerable and human too.

Let the person who hurt you know that what they did caused you pain. Try to talk about the situation with them. Maybe there was an external reason in their life that they were dealing with and they acted out of their own weakness and frustration and it ended up coming out on you. Maybe you did something that upset them, they are still angry about it and you don't know about it. But most of all forgive them regardless of how everything turns out between you. What good will it do you to stay angry and bitter towards them. Your anger ultimately doesn't hurt them and so you just end up miserable. And I'm sure that in the past you have done hurtful things to your friends and would have wanted them to forgive you for it. Maybe when that happened the person did forgive you, think about how great it was that your relationship with them was restored and the good times and experiences you have shared since then. Or maybe they didn't and you know how it feels - how much it hurts to loose a friend because they can't or won't forgive you.

Ultimately, what would you rather? Lose another friend (albiet in a different way), or experience the healing of forgiveness?

Answer 3

I think forgiveness is the key to living a peaceful life. So I would say that as hard as it might be to forgive, doing it and then leaving it behind will bring you through into a more peaceful frame of mind. But the, that's just my opinion. I'm a very forgiving person (though I do have trouble "forgetting" sometimes).

On another note, I would agree with the others that said you may not need that person in your life. I always tell people that we are not measured by how well we perform when things are going good, but by how we perform when things are going bad. That's when true colors come out...

Be blessed.

Answer 4

I probably could within time.....Also, even tho I was hurt by the significant other you did not explain why he/she hurt me in the first place . If two people are distined to be together they will find a means to forgive each other regardless what else is going on outside of the relationship. Time & open communication is the answer to learning to forgive someone. Do not allow any "bricks" or "old habits" or "old baggage" affect your openness to allowing the forgiveness to take place within that relationship. If you truly love the individual who hurt you.....you can make it work. But don't put up a wall & play the "victim" role....work on building the relationship or move on. No one ever said building a relationship with someone was easy. There are many twists & turns as we move through life.

Answer 5

I think Phil M has a very good point about separating the pain associated with the loss of a friend from the pain associated with the person who wasn't there for you.

Another thing that may help is to realize that the person who hurt you had a motivation for his/her action, and understanding that motivation could help you to forgive. It's important to realize that the person was not intentionally trying to hurt you.

Answer 6

you are able to desire to advance up and be a mature woman in case you propose on marrying.. bypass away his previous on my own. It has no longer something to do with you, even even with the undeniable fact which you think of so.. His previous belongs to him, and to him on my own.. Why are you wearing on as in case you have a top to understand what ever occurred in his previous existence.. you probably did no longer understand him interior the previous and you haven't any longer any top to be so offended and unforgiving for what occurred in his previous. He would not want your forgiveness... He did no longer even understand then you. He made a mistake, so be it.. all of us make errors. no person is ideal. Are you asserting you're ideal. purely on the grounds which you're a virgin would not make you ideal or greater sparkling than him or absolutely everyone else. a individual ought to be sparkling of heart greater advantageous than sparkling of physique. you are able to desire to be marrying a virgin, and he would desire to wind up being the meanest guy alive. Is that greater perfect for you. You sound as while you're identifying to purchase him, and that now you realize his previous, he's like dirtied soil and not stable adequate for you.. He had a prior, bypass away it at that.. Thank God he has been trustworthy with you and needs you as his spouse.. Is that no longer adequate.. no remember if this is not any longer adequate for you and you have prayed and won council then enable him bypass and stay on my own, as you will probable finally end up besides, as you're no longer an fairly know-how individual, and because today's international is plenty distinct than you're arranged to settle for or have self belief.

Answer 7

That's hard to say without hearing all the particulars. Here's my general take on it: People rarely do things to friends that are intentionally hurtful and mean. It's been my experience that people tend to do what they think is right based on their knowledge of the situation, their experience, their judgment and their personality. Sometimes that doesn't end up being the right thing in reality. And to those of us who exist outside of their head, those actions might appear to be intentionally destructive. Especially if we're heavily invested emotionally in the situation. I say give your friend the benefit of a doubt and have a conversation about it. Find out what he/she was thinking that prompted whatever he/she did or didn't do that's the cause of the problem for you. You might find that there's just a misunderstanding or misperception at work that's fairly easily dealt with and you won't have to lose the friendship over it.

Answer 8

I have a friend who does that all the time, and I think it's because she is just not capable of doing what I need (even though I've gone WAY out of my way for her on numerous NUMEROUS occasions). I *try* to forgive her because she is my friend for a reason - she has many qualities that I really admire - but it's really hard. In the end, I've pretty much just decided that I can't depend on her. I'll always be there for her, but when I need her, I'm not going to hold my breath.

Answer 9

That's a terrible feeling. I could forgive, but not forget.

There are many relationships in life that are not 50/50. In fact, MOST relationships are not 50/50 across the board. You'd like to think that in a time of need when you reach out your hand, someone will meet you halfway but a lot of times they leave you hanging and very disappointed. This happens to a lot of people who are strong emotionally because people around them underestimate their need for support. It makes it all the more frustrating because you think "I'm always there for you, why can't you be there for me for once?" It can be very easy for loved ones to be taken for granted.

Answer 10

You should always forgive. That doesn't mean you will ever speak to the person again.

Does this person happen to be sharing the same loss? If so, I would chalk it up to grief and continue to be there for them. If not, I would also consider age and maturity. Young people have no concept of what it is to lose a loved one unless it has happened to them. They just don't get it. Your "friend" probably doesn't recognize the magnitude of the situation.

However, no real friend would screw you if they could avoid it, time of grief or not. I'd drop this one like it's hot.