Should I put my baby up for adoption?

Question

I know no one can tell me yes or no, but just need advice. I'm in my 20's and have a grade school child. I've been living for the the same guy for about 8yrs and he's raised my daughter as his own from infancy. He doesn't love me or like me. Though we tend to fool each other and act like a couple from time to time.
This is my last chance to have another baby because of health reasons. But its just getting worse between him and I. He already told me he won't sign the birth certificate and I can't fight with him to be a father. He doesn't want the baby but says "it is what it is". I can't be a single parent and I have nothing to my name. If we play pretend this baby will most likely cause more resentment and hostility in the house. I don't know what to do..........

My due date is Dec. 8th

Answer 1

well, if you can't be a single parent, then do the right thing by the child, but uh, yeah you can.
i parent twins who are 8, i took them home from the hospital alone and we are still alone and it is very hard, but worth every moment.
and you already have a child - how do you explain 'giving away their brother or sister'........

honestly? i think you need to grow up a bit, get some counseling maybe and stand on your own 2 feet - yes you can do it - you're the adult and your children need you.

Answer 2

Why have you been living with someone for 8 years that doesn't love you? Let me tell you i got pregnant when i was 19 and i was thinking of adoption but once i carried full term you grow to bond with a beautiful innocent life that didn't choose to be here. Our carelessness chooses for them so us as a parent have to make the wise decision for that child. Don't give it up for adoption you will regret it the rest of your life. My son is 12 now and he is my stability. You can do this without him being a father, I have!! My sons father hasn't been there since he was born and it made me that much more responsible. You can do it to!!! As far as your guy not signing the birth certificate if you decide to keep this child he will still have to pay you support for that child because DNA proves he should. If his DNA matches regardless if he wants to be a father or not the district attorney will help in getting you money to help support the child. If you lay down you pay the consequences. He can't just say oh i got you prego but your on your own.
Honey, it don't work that way he is responsible for the child no matter what!!!

Answer 3

I'm so impressed with you! The question you ask is so hard and you are tackling it straight on. That takes GUTS!

It's EASY for some of the answerers here to give reactions from the heart...the emotions. That is more about making a selfish decision for the mother and not about what is in the best interest for the baby. You are quite aware that not only can you not provide what the baby needs, but will also be bringing him/her into a house without love.

Sometimes the GREATER act of love is to let the baby go. Obviously, you want to screen the service that you are turning the baby over to ensure that it gets the best possible home. But giving the baby to an intact, loving family may well be the best gift you can give it.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

I think you are very mature and thoughtful for even considering adoption. Most people don't consider it. Why? Because they think more about themselves than about what is best for their unborn baby. You need to do what is best for this child. I have often thought if you could raise a child on love alone there would be no issue. But that is not the reality. You need money to give a child food and warm clothes. Also, children NEED a father. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Yes, many raise children without fathers, but it is a hard life. The child needs a male figure in his life (especially sons, but daughters , too!) Children need a mother and a father who love each other and can give a loving, stable home to children. Giving a child up for adoption is such a selfless, mature, and loving thing to do for your baby. It says, "I love this child more than myself. So much so that I am willing to give her two loving parents. Adoption is not easy especially in the beginning (but who says single parenthood is any easier?) But time will take your grief away and God will be pleased with your decision. Please think about adoption seriously. Contact an agency and not a lawyer if you decide to go this route. (Catholic Charities, Bethany Christian, etc) I will be thinking and praying for you.

Answer 5

Hello,
I can't imagine being in your situation. It's very caring of you to think about this baby, and what kind of future you want for it. If this child isn't something you think you can handle at this point and time in your life, and you feel like you can handle adoption it's a very good option. Most people do open adoption it can be semi open or completely open. That just means you could still have contact with your baby in some form depending on what you wanted. You have the complete choice of what happens to this child, and I'm very happy you're thinking of your baby. I couldn't imagine being in your situation. My husband and I have tried for a couple years and now we're starting to look into adoption....and I can't believe the sacrafices these mothers go through for their children. Either way the best decision will come to you, and you can always research things. Plus if you decide to keep this baby even if you raise it on your own there are so many resources to help you take care of your baby without your boyfriend. If that's what you want.

Answer 6

Hi, I can see this is a huge decision you are struggling with and I think it is great that you turned to others for some help in thinking through your situation.
After reading everyone's answers, I guess I would ask which ones really sparked a message that made sense to you...to go on public assistance and raise your kids alone or to show love in the best interest in the child and choose adoption. One of these two answers must sound right to you, and really these are the two choices. I know people who have done both. Personally, I have a greater respect for those who choose adoption...but that doesn't mean anything really...just my opinion. It is up to you to decide the best thing for you and the baby.
Look at where your life will go if you split with your boyfriend, and move on with your life after an adoption. You are free to go to college and open up your life to change and meeting the right people to propel your life in new directions. Do you like this image? What do you want with your life?
If you keep the baby, can you give the baby all that it deserves, love it unconditionally, surround the baby in a calm happy environment with love in it and no more hostility, or silent regrets?
Best of luck to you deciding...please post what you thought of these responses!
Thanks!

Answer 7

Sweetheart I surely wont judge you for what you are going through. However your gradeschool child is also seeing how the two of you act learning that "THAT" is how a relationship is supposed to be. When he/she grows they will repeat the same pattern your showing them daily with this man. If not for the unborn babies sake get out for your sake and the mental wellbeing of your gradeschool daughter. As for you can not be a single parent..Why? Is it because you do not own a home, have a job, or do you just not have the emotional well being to do so? I was for almost 12 yrs a single mother to a little girl who had multiple medical needs. In December of 2003 I was told she was "terminally ill" she out lived the 6 months Dr's gave her and in fact didnt pass until this past labor day imagine how hard it was caring for her at times!

If in your heart you truely believe you can not love and care for this child then by all means do what you feel is best. I had my second child last yr and though his father said some pretty **** assed things when I was pregnant you'd be shocked at how he is with him today (he was always good with my daughter) If you feel this child will do nothing more then cause the two of you to resent one another or the child itself give it up for adoption and be prepaired to explain to your other child why the baby had to go to another home because there WILL be questions.

As for this man will not sign the birth certificate you can ask th state (without any fee's to you) to file for child support and they will get a court order for a DNA test which will cause his name to be put on the certificate. I dont wish any woman to be in your position but you need to do not only what is best for you and this asshole your with but what is best for your other child and unborn.

Answer 8

Sounds like you need to ditch the guy and raise your child no matter what he says and does. You should find someone who will love you and treat you like a person. Life is too short to spend years in misery! Keep your baby, there is help you can get & as long as he's the father you can get child support! He doesn't have to sign the birth cert. either. And no, you can't make him be a father, but you can still be a good mom, single or not. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 9

I didn't think I could handle being a single mother but I did it alone for many years. I got a good job and paid for child care and am VERY happy I never put my children up for adoption. It is a personal decision. I think you and your man should try counseling or separate because it sounds like a horrible situation. After the baby is born, and paternity established, he will be responsible for child support even if he doesn't want to acknowledge the baby as his. You never know, you may find Mr. Right later down the road and have a nice man to raise your children with.

Answer 10

Dump the guy, once and for all. You have an important decision to make and without knowing you I can tell that you would later regret this decision forever. If you even had to ask tells me you want the baby. Apply for help from the state and they will give you the resources you need to find a job or get a degree to get a good job. Once you start doing for yourself you will build the self confidence you need to move on with your life. You can do better than him and you deserve someone who will treat you better. Keep your baby lose the loser, this is already hard on your daughter and it won't get any better when this baby gets here. Maybe for a week or two.
You can do better. You deserve better. Keep telling yourself this and you will be fine.

Answer 11

Staying with someone for the wrong reasons is the worst thing you can do. but you CAN be a single mother and do a great job. You may not have anything to your name right now, but there are lots of places that can help you and give you support. Check out your local WIC office, social services etc... Ask friends and family to help support you.

Adoption is a long term solution to what is often a short term problem. And I'm not anti-adoption by any means. I was adopted, and I adopted my son. But I truly believe in family preservation. Children should be raised by their parents whenever possible.

And even if your SO won't sign the birth certificate, you can still sue him for paternity, and he will have to continue to help support you financially.

Don't make any rash decisions until you explore ALL options. And don't turn to an adoption agency for help until you are 100% sure of you decision to place the baby, as agencies can often be coercive and talk you into doing something you don't want to do because they want to make money from potential-adoptive parents by placing babies with them.

And come chat with us at soulofadoption.com You will find other women who have been in your situation that you can chat with and get support from.

Good luck!