No self mutilation or suicidal thoughts but all the outward symptoms. I first heard about this while combing the web to learn about having an abusive wife and found this paper. I answered an emphatic "yes" to the list of statements that start off the paper. How can you know for sure if your spouse has this if she won't go to counselling?
http://www.bpdcentral.com/images/Ihateyou.pdf
2007-10-10 02:00:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
I actually have Borderline Personality Disorder. There are a lot of support groups on (http://www.bpdcentral.com/) and off line for people who have a spouse with BPD. There's even a book or two.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=sr_1_5/103-1193648-2081438?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192022486&sr=1-5
http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Boomerang-Love-Relationships/dp/0976060035/ref=sr_1_6/103-1193648-2081438?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192022486&sr=1-6
Trust me, if you said Yes to all those questions -- even if it isn't BPD -- she's got something. Her desire to avoid counseling can stem from many things, like denial, fear of mental illness, her parent was like she is and she thinks it is normal..so many things.
You need to go to a marriage counselor at the least. Your wife needs to understand that she is making life miserable for you. If she won't get therapy for whatever mental issues she has, you can leave her. I know that sounds harsh, but -- a person with BPD who isn't on meds is nigh impossible to deal with. There is a fantastic therapy out there called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The basics of this therapy take the best of three or four kinds of therapy and combine them in a way to specifically meet the needs of someone with BPD. The second best would be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but DBT is a lot better.
I had suicidal thoughts for years and just thought I had "depression" and "anxiety". When I was diagnosed at a hospital, I read through all the information I could find and it definitely was accurate. I have other problems as well related to the abuse I suffered as a kid (like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), but BPD is the one that affects my relationships the most.
If you can find some way to get her to see that she has a problem, you'd be helping her out. But it sounds like she is not going to seek help because she likes things the way they are now and doesn't think you'd ever leave. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone with a mental illness is leave them. It MAKES them get help.
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/CodependantP.html
http://www.innerworkspublishing.com/news/vol8/relate.htm
My brother was married to an alcoholic with BPD and he left her after months of trying to get her to seek help. She finally agreed to see a marriage counselor after he left. They went in, my brother said what was going on, and the therapist said the best thing he could have done was leave, since she was refusing help. If he were to go back, she'd quit therapy. She was more messed up than I used to be. I don't know how she is now. They did not have any kids, so he doesn't have to deal with her at all.
Be thankful you know now what is going on with your wife. If she refuses counseling, then you can either leave or stay and continue to be abused. I'd opt for door number 1.
2007-10-10 02:29:42 · answer #1 · answered by Serena 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's not very easy to objectively diagnose one's own spouse, and it is best that a doctor do it. That being said, you are probably right, and I find that significant others of people with BPD are usually very aware of the symptoms.
A school of thought on treatment of BPD is to never really tell that person they have BPD. Sounds strange, I know. But they tend to react really badly if they're "labeled." Instead, I would suggest you attempt to get her treatment in a roundabout way, for instance for just depression, or anxiety, or see a couples counselor if you two are having problems (even she is really the one with the problem). The psychologist can gently steer things without being too obtrusive. In the case of the wife being violent, sometimes it takes calling to police to at least get things moving in the right direction, even if they do not arrest anyone. You deserve to feel safe around your spouse after all.
2007-10-10 02:21:31 · answer #2 · answered by Moore 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
OH yeah....
Just divorced a BPD spouse...
You or I certainly cannot diagnose someone, but, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it probably is. Does she seem to meet the criteria? It only takes 5 out of the 9 to really give you a good idea that this is what you are dealing with here.
Please remember - You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
I have found so much help on a forum for those in a relationship with someone who is borderline...(link is below)please come check it out and you will find many caring people who will identify with your experienes...and maybe help you to learn how to deal with it. There are alot of great articles on BPD as well.
2007-10-10 02:13:55 · answer #3 · answered by Amy L 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hello -- you can't know if your spouse is BPD for sure, unless they are properly diagnosed. I see you have found a really good article.
Unfortunately, we can't force another adult to get help of any kind -- it normally has to be their own personal choice.
I have a friend who lived with a borderline partner, and she was terribly manipulated, threatened, stolen from and used endlessly...
I sure hope things work out for you and your spouse. It looks like you're doing your homework....
Perhaps upon urging, and letting your spouse know you care and would like to see them feel better, they will eventually get to see a doctor.
take care of YOU in the meantime.
2007-10-10 02:13:27 · answer #4 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Mr first husband was classic Paranoid/Schizophrenic - and nobody told me until after we were married.
He managed to keep it hidden until then.
I tried to make the marriage work but after three years (and him refusing to get help) I had to leave.
It was very sad.
If I had left earlier with the understanding that once he got help and started working on his problems we could get back together we might be together today.
Do not wait to put your foot down about them getting help. And try couples therapy also. Sometimes going alone is very frightening.
There is really no time to waste if you're already combing the web to learn about abusive wives.
2007-10-10 02:34:06 · answer #5 · answered by perfumegirl1 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋