I'm a bridesmaid in 3 weeks. Custom is that you give money equivalent to what the reception may have cost per head..... being a bridesmaid make it so I give more than that, or less? any help???
2007-10-05 19:48:30 · 15 answers · asked by **leigh** 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
When mannerly people receive gifts, they are too busy being grateful for the giver's thoughtfulness to even notice any monetary value the gift may have. (Stop giggling. We are talking etiquette here, and the polite fictions necessary to keep etiquette alive and well and NOT a laughing matter. So there!) You give something that shows you troubled to choose a gift you believed would please the recipient, but the cost is based on what you wish to and can afford to spend, not on some tit-for-tat, who owes who how much, reciprocity.
Here is an example of the principle. You stike up an aquantance with a fellow volunteer at the local library. He invites you to a pool party at his home. To your astonishment, his home is a huge mansion. You are served lobster, caviar, and champagne from silver dishes. Your fellow guests include a state senator, an aging rock star, and an NBA b-ball player.
How do you return this lavish hospitatity? You are not obliged or expected to reciprocate by entertaining in HIS style, but in you own. Even if that style is so humble as meeting the gang at the bowling alley or having the neighbors over for burgers & beer, mannerly people know that social interchange isn't a business deal, isn't based on monetary value.
2007-10-06 00:50:51 · answer #1 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well, first off, you are correct in saying that this is a custom. It is not etiquette. There is nothing in any etiquette book that says you are to give a monetary gift at all, much less that it should equal the amount of your meal! This is a custom perpetuated by greedy brides & grooms who want to recoup some of their budget from their guests! How tacky!
Here's another question to consider: How exactly are you gonna know how much the dinner is costing per person? Was this info listed on the invite or what? I don't get it.
You should give a gift of money or item that you think the couple will enjoy or could use. The amount given or spent is completely up to you ; or your financial situation at the time. Being a bridesmaid does not mean you have to give more, unless the bride has paid for your attire, hotel, etc. for you.
2007-10-06 17:05:55 · answer #2 · answered by valschmal 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The first time I heard of that "cover your plate" nonsense was when I came online, in my 40's. It is certainly not a tradition, in any culture, except among wedding couples! Little joke there.
Gift the couple what you can comfortably afford. Some weddings I have been to have cost $250 a head, there is no fricking way I would have gifted that much.
2007-10-06 10:19:44 · answer #3 · answered by danashelchan 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That is NOT a custom. That is what we call an etiquette MYTH.
You are only ever expected to gift based on your own financial ability, and your affection for the couple.
NOT based on "covering your plate" or any other such nonsense. Guests are never supposed to be trying to "reimburse" their hosts for their meal. They are GUESTS!
By definition, hosts' hospitality is to be freely given, without expectation of "repayment." Same with gifts.
Furthermore, money gifts are given from the older generation to the younger, for example from Grant Aunt Millie, to the couple. It is not the best idea to gift money peer-to-peer. You should purchase an actual tangible gift for the couple, and then have it delivered (or drop it off) shorty after they are back from the honeymoon.
2007-10-06 09:13:51 · answer #4 · answered by Etiquette Gal 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I have never heard of this custom! That is not true by any means, bridesmaid or not. As a bridesmaid, you should still get her a gift but it can be whatever you are able to give her!
2007-10-06 05:23:15 · answer #5 · answered by dropping bombs on your mom 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
I agree with everyone else.
You have financially contributed plenty towards your friends wedding day with purchasing the dress, shoes, hair/make-up, co-hosting bridal shower, co-hosting bachelorette party. Just being there for your friend.
But like everyone else said, you give what you could financially afford. A true friend will realize that you are giving from your heart.
If you really want to give the impression you are giving more, contact the bride after the honeymoon and offer to take out her out for a nice lunch date to talk about her vacation. Or host a luncheon at your house with the other BM and view wedding pics together.
Best of luck to you!
2007-10-06 10:32:41 · answer #6 · answered by Sharon F 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I never heard of that custom. Generally you give what you want . my bridesmaids gave me what they thought I and my husband would like . A gift that is picked out just for the new couple is always appreciated no matter what price . In other words you are paying for your own meal , if that is the custom there .
2007-10-06 06:06:25 · answer #7 · answered by vpsinbad50 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Don't listen to any of this. Just give what you can afford as you don't HAVE to give anything at all. $100 is very generous if you can afford it otherwise $50 is good too. Just do what you can afford. You don't have to give extra because you are a bridesmaid because you have probably already contributed to bridal shower and bachelorette party and paid for your own dress so a small gift is fine.
2007-10-06 02:55:21 · answer #8 · answered by BTB2211 5 · 5⤊ 1⤋
Being a bridesmaid is expensive to begin with. So give what you can afford.
2007-10-06 09:17:39 · answer #9 · answered by Cindy 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I find the "per head" reasoning ridiculous.
Give the amount you want to give, not what you think you should give.
Give what you can afford without breaking the bank.
2007-10-06 18:20:23 · answer #10 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋