what should i do about my so call father?

Question

my father has a problem with my twin sister being gay and he wants me to have problem with it but i dont. cause that is my sister no matter what. I invited my daddy off for my house warmming and and he turned down the invited. he told me until my sister stop living with me that he cant be apart. but it is like that everytime i have something as a family. but let his step kids have something he is jonny on the spot for these kids.so the reason for this time he could not visit is cause my sister is gay. that is some BS she has been that way for about seven or eight years. i think he should put his difference aside and love and care for his kids no matter what there sexuality is. out of all four of us i am the only one that keeps the line of communation open but i dont no how long that is going to last. cause he is always causing problems. i just want a happy family.like my soon to be husband. if this is the family cards i was dealt i want to throw it back in.

Answer 1

Your father sounds like he is a very stubborn man---not excepting your sister's life style is one thing but not excepting or speaking to your sister is another.... I too do not understand that someone can create a child and just because that child is gay, the parent acts like the child committed some seriously deadly CRIME....your father needs to grow up and realize that his kids are HIS FLESH AND BLOOD and part of what makes him HIM, makes THEM THEM (including the fact that your sister is gay)....I think parents of children who "come out"should understand that being GAY does not change who they've always been when they "loved them".... they are still the same person... Your father is going to be missing out on SO much if he shuts your sister and YOU BY PROXY out of his life... I don't know what it is like to be gay, but I DO know what it feels like to be SHUNNED by your father.... and it hurts like hell, but you and your sister will just have to be strong---you said your fiancee has a great family---make them YOUR family and I bet they would also accept your SISTER as well.... Oh and by the way, I have a 29 year old son... if he had come to me and told me HE was gay I would still love him because he's my SON and that is how ALL parents should feel about their children. I can't imagine my life without my son in it.... (hes an only child)....he has a lovely girlfriend and is going to be married next year but no matter WHAT he did in his life, I would respect him... maybe you should go to your father and explain how he SHOULD be with your sister and NOT how he IS!!!

Answer 2

Sorry but i can't really understand your problem, it doesn't really make any sense but from what i gathered is that he doesn't want to see you until you have a problem with your sister because she is gay. I think you should go to your dads or ask him to come to your house and ask him to sit down and have a talk to him about how you love your sister for who she is and and that she is still the same person she was before he had a problem with it. It also matters whether your sister wants to try and get the good side of your dad as well if she doesn't want to try or if she doesn't are you should leave until she does want your help. I sort of know how it feels my dad used to take me and my sis out all the time but when my half bro was born he forgot all about us he never spends time with us any more even when im there he will do things with my half bro and step mum not me. im only 13 and he still doesn't talk to me. He has been doing that since i was 3. oh and you know how step mums in stories are always mean? Yea well that's my life. Anyway enough about me i hope my answer helped you.

Answer 3

As someone else pointed out, you can't really know if he will change. Or when. He has his own problems in his own world as we all do, and this is his way of justifying things he can't yet face. You also can't know what influence his present wife has on him; she may try to corner his allegience out of her self interest, and he may try to satisfy her out of his own self interest. This is one of those natural behaviors where a mother tries to provide for her young. Certainly something to rise above, but not everyone does. So I see your sister's sexuality as a side issue, not the main one. As a twin, you're more firmly bonded to your sister than siblings ordinarily are, so putting her to one side isn't an option. Keeping a line of communication open falls to you, and it will repeatedly fail. But I think you'll regret it if you don't try, so protect yourself by not expecting a sudden warm and fuzzy breakthrough.

There is a point where you can at least understand what happened. I was speaking with an elderly woman who was raised by a bitter and demanding father. But she understands that he was living his dream--owning a small store--when he lost everything and was forced into poverty and onto the charity of his relatives. Since contraception wasn't generally accepted at the time, he was also saddled with a large family. But he was a faithful husband, sober, and found work that supported his family even as it took a toll on him physically. He didn't even smoke--one of the few in his family that didn't; it was common at the time. Yes, he was bitter and demanding, in a self-centered way, but she can look back on it now and say, "He might have been different if...or if..." No, he wasn't really a bad man. She has sort of reconciled with him, even long after his death.

One of her younger sisters will have none of this. She stayed too angry to consider what he was going through, so she never reconciled. It's her loss.

True, some people are bad to the bone. For your situation, I wouldn't judge that too quickly. Keep the lines of communication open, an occasional invitation, let the rejection roll off you (at least as far as what he sees--unload on somebody else), and try to inject yourself into this other household in any way you can. That includes not holding a grudge against her children, because they didn't cause this problem. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, and gifts as appropriate, visits--alone if necessary. Refuse to argue, but stick like glue. Cater to their demands if practical--you are your sister's last chance of contact with him. Everyone has their limits and you do, too. Do what you can. You won't regret trying, no matter what happens. When you hit your limit, nobody will bust on you for trying.

Answer 4

Lots of us would like to have happy families, but unfortunately, a large proportion of us never will. I appreciate that you continue to keep the lines of communication open. At some point, he will get past his prejudice, although it may be on his deathbed as in the case of my former boss' father. His mother welcomed him with open arms, so I was glad when he moved back home. Unfortunately, some have worse issues than others and there will always be a break.

Keep in mind that the problem is really between him and your sister, not you and him. (is that bad grammer?).

Answer 5

Your fathers problems are not your problems and if everyone stays a family and he does not want to be involved that is not your problem. That is your fathers problem. Keep you, your sister and your soon to be family close to you. You can not force others to do and be what you want them to be. Your father has his own opinion and he has the right to have it. I am sure if everyone would just leave him alone, it might take time but he will miss the family. Go on with you life. It is not your fault.

Answer 6

You may want it, but you aren't going to get it this way. Your father is toxic and he's not ever going to love you the way you want. You need to hold him at arms length and don't rely on his approval to feel good about yourself.

Start your happy family with your soon to be husband and your sister and make your own traditions. I'm sorry that this is your deck of cards, but you aren't alone. Just because someone reproduces doesn't mean he or she has any clue or motivation to parent.

Answer 7

You've done what you can to keep the lines of communication open with your father. If he chooses not to see you because you will not abandon your sister, that is his choice. Try not to feel bad about it. It is not your job to make him feel better about your sister or accept her. To ask you to not be there for her anymore is absurd and unreasonable. Send him X-mas cards, call him once in a while if it will make you feel better but beyond that, there really is nothing you can do.

Answer 8

I dunno theres 2 ways u can go about this. Ignore him and give him the cold shoulder like he has to you and tell him that if he has a problem between him and ur sistert thats them and not you. The other way is to let him know that you love him and care and he will always not be there in your life and vise versa and should just put differences aside and enjoy life together instead of acting like enemies.

Answer 9

Unfortunately you can't change the family cards you were dealt; however, you've got to know when to hold them and when to fold them. Looks like you need to fold the father hand.

Answer 10

i know this has to hurt you and your sister, although this has to hurt your father very much, see your father thought his little girl was perfect, and when this come up that she was gay it had to throw him for a loop, wow this is his daughter who he figured that would grow up and make him very prould, then he got his bubble busted, but dont be to hard on him,and i wouldnt force him to come around , just let him come around when he is ready, i hope he doesnt let this come between him and you two girls forever, but sometimes that does happen.i hope things work out, good luck.