How do I help my husband understand how to respect our one year old?

Question

Please, grab your husband, have him read this, because I need to get a different point of view...
Our son just turned one. I told my husband that grabbing him away from his toys and whisking him up stairs for a bath was probably not the best way to transition for our son, who screamed the whole way up the stairs and half way through his bath... my husband said it was dumb, and sarcastically tonight told our son, in 5 minutes you're going to get a bath...I also told him that its important for us to read to our son, so I told him I would love to have a night off from this routine- he read the book, but with no feeling and really dull, and skipped over words, I mean my goodness, it was Goodnight moon.... He plays well with our son, and he sure feels the need that our son should respect us (he'll hold our sons hands down if he puts them in front of his mouth during meal time), I just think he is being harsh and unrealistic with the needs of our child at age one. What can I say to him?

Thanks so far everybody, this is our first child, and I am trying to be respectful of my husband while teaching him some compassion at the same time, so I'm not going to mean to him to get my point across. Also, I agree he is harsh, but not an abuser... he just thinks when he means business he means business and our child should learn that early on. His father is amazing, its his mother who is totally off... maybe thats why he lacks compassion- isn't that who we usually learn these things from?

Answer 1

he is going to hurt your child some day i have a son Carlos and i am very gentle with him if he puts his hand in his mouth i i point my finger and say no no carlos thats bad he understands, your son is much to young to be pushed around like that once hes 5 and 6 you can teach him politeness but for now enjoy his adorable infant life its adorable dont turn him into a robot. maybe your husband is upset ask him if somthings wrong did you consult with him when you were preganant? maybe he should see a shrink. if he wants a healthy relationship with his child he should be gentle and show more affection.

Answer 2

Well...i guess it depends on how he is doing these things...is he hurting your son while holding his hands down? Is he leaving red marks? When he grabs your son up, is he doing it so hard your sons head is jerking around? If the answers to any of those are yes, you need to get him help ASAP before something really happens...those could be warning signs.

If the answer is no, and you would just like your husband to be more gentle and loving...well...sorry! My sons dad was very rough and tumble with my son. I remember walking into the room and seeing him balancing my 4 month old on the palm of his hand. I literally dropped what was in my hand and ran over there in a near heart attack panic...but my son was giggling. He would toss my son up at 1 yr old and my heart would sink, but my son cracked up! I actually read about a study that said children need that! They need both kinds of attention. The mother who is nurturing, calm, caring, will kiss boo-boo's, and thinks a blanket on the floor with a soft edged toy is the best place for her baby! And the dad who thinks wrestling a toddler to the floor is fun! And throwing a kid in the air while mom gasps makes it that much more amusing!

Draw the line where you think your child is in danger. ANY kind of danger. If you really think your child will suffer long term for anything your husband does, tell him...dont wait, tell him now, and if he wont stop, or blows you off...make him realize you are serious, leave him if it means the safety of your child. Good luck!!

Answer 3

Tell him that he's being sorta mean. Its not that he doesn't respect your son but he is just being too harsh with him. I mean he's 1. For a 1 year old, that is mean. He shouldn't do that. You should tell him that him acting that way pisses you off. When he holds your sons hand down at dinner, knock his hands down and tell him "I dont like that" or " Don't do that to him." You have to actually show him that you don't like the way he acts. When he whisk your son up the stairs try to hurry and take him or you take him before he can take him upstairs. When he reads tell him to put some character in it or tell him before you two get in the room to read it right. If he still doesn't read with expression, finish the sentence and just take the book from him. GOOD LUCK : D

Answer 4

Daddy does things his own way, and no matter how much you don't like it sometimes us moms just have to let it go. He'll learn in time that whisking him up the stairs makes him scream, he shouldn't do that again. It scares him. Let your husband know that eventually he will be able to do this without your son screaming, but giggling instead. My boyfriend won't read our 2 year old books either because he don't think he's paying attention. Let your husband know that even though it may look like he's not paying attention, he is listening. I'm guessing this is your first child, and it's hard cause nobody really knows what they are doing, but when the next one comes along it's easier cause you'll have learned from your mistakes.

Answer 5

Whilst kids need a routine, they also need to be able to have a playful approach to that routine-even the most mundane of tasks you need to undertake with your little one can be made more fun.

So, by making bathtime fun with bath toys, etc getting him in the bath will be a much less painful time for him with daddy. Encouragement to get in the bath by letting him help daddy to pour his bubble bath in the tub, helping daddy to get his pyjamas ready for once he's out of the bath, that sort of thing can help loads.

Reading is important for kids, but engaging their attention by making the story come to life is just as important to get their imagination going and give them an interest in reading.

As for holding your sons hands down, remember that little bones are still very soft at the age and he could end up hurting your little son. If he holds his hands in front of his mouth, be patient with him and let him know that he's being cheeky. Try the "aeroplane" or the "train" and make the sound of whatever you choose with the spoon/fork as the train or plane. If this fails, try different sorts of encouragement-eat a little yourself and say "I got your dinner-yummy!" if it works well, he'll say "no!" and start eating. (Worked well with us, anyway!)

The more patient you are, the more approachable you'll be seen as by him as he grows. The more approachable you are, the more he'll respect your opionions, rules and of course he'll more appreciate the guidance you give.

By being very harsh, as his father is, he'll just ignore you in the long run as he grows older. Besides, as a one year old he's still learning. All your husband will do is instil a fear of him in your little boy.

He'll dread mealtimes, bathtimes or any other time spent with daddy. He needs to be more open, show a little more love, be more gentle and remember that all your son is, is a dinky version of you both. He has feelings and emotions, he just has a different way of showing them at this age. He needs to feel loved and secure in order for him to develop well. A happy baby with a happy routine (ie, bath, story and then bed) will be a lot easier to deal with, with much better behaviour.

In closing, remind your hubby that he wouldn't like being pulled about, so why should your little son? Communicating with him in a calm, patient, loving and gentle way will result in a much more placid little boy.

Answer 6

First you need to look at the relationship he had with his dad. We tend to mirror what we learned from our parents. Ask him how his childhood was. My sons father died when they were 2 and 4 so they had no father figure to speak of, and when my son became a father I was very worried, but he is a wonderful dad. He gives his son all the love and attention he didn't get and missed. I think if you remind your husband about his childhood maybe he will remember how he felt as a child and won't want to pass that on to his son. We must remember our children learn everything important from us. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 7

Dads need to be dads. There is a difference between the way moms and dads do things and it is good for your son to learn that. I had a really hard time letting my husband do things his way, but now that the kids are older I understand why people used to tell me the same thing. As long as his actions are not harmful, let him do it his way and create his own routines and memories with your son.

Answer 8

I feel men are just not as perceptive to a child's needs as the mother. It can be frustrating. it's nice for the dad to read books sometimes instead to get a little break from the everyday routine. but you can't expect him to be exactly like you and as enthusiastic. I guess just talk with him and tell him how you feel.good luck

Answer 9

PARENTING CLASSES! Don't attack him by telling him he's a bad parent who needs to learn how to raise his son, though. It will just make him defensive. Instead, say you want to take the class, and you want him to take it with you. You may have to drag him there, but I'll be it will do the trick. Check what's available in your community - at hospitals, etc. They usually have them in the evening on a weekly basis so working parents can attend, and childcare is often available during them. Hey, it's worth a shot. Good luck!

Answer 10

This is typical. If you are not treating your child "Moms way" you are doing it wrong. Back off and let the boy and his dad develope their own relationship.