Why do we say "It's okay" when someone apoligizes, when it isn't?

Question

My children are 3 and 5 and are biting, hiting, kicking, smacking, etc each other daily. They apoligize, and the victim says "it's okay". But it's not okay. I am just wondering why we say it -- when it's not true. Perhaps we should all be saying, apology accepted. Just curious.

Answer 1

Tell them to say "apology accepted" instead. The child acknowledges the other child's accepting responsibility for their actions, but they're not condoning them.

Answer 2

Good question! I've never really thought about it before.

I would think that by saying "It's okay", it sounds more personable and warm and forgiving. And since the other person is putting themselves out there by saying "I'm sorry", it's as if saying "It's okay" puts the person apologizing at ease - "Don't worry about it, it's okay...."

However, when saying "apology accepted" it seems more direct and serious. When someone says this, I get the feeling they mean business! (As opposed to the person saying "it's okay")

As the person on the receiving end, I'd rather hear, it's okay, as opposed to "apology accepted". Apology accepted is more formal, but for some reason, I think I 'd take it more seriously.

Maybe it's just me.........:)

Answer 3

It's not "OK" to do in the future. But the fact that the person apologizes, indicates that they know what they did was a mistake, and will not do it in the future. So, although the act is not OK to do, everything, now, is OK. We are not saying your behavior was OK. We are saying, it's now OK, since you apologized, and recognized that it's not something you should do. It should go without saying, that if it happens again, it wont be OK.

However, I guess I should stop saying "It's OK", because this question made me realize how literal a lot of people are, and just how many people need everything to be spelled out for them. Now I'm wondering how many people hear "It's OK", and actually believe it means they are free to do it again.

Answer 4

That's something I've worked really hard not to say anymore-it's not okay if someone hurts you. The other thing is I don't accept an apology that has "but" in it (I'm sorry, but.........)-that's not an apology, that's someone trying to justify their behavior and blame it on someone, or something, else.

Answer 5

I think its been ingrained into our systems. Anytime sibblings or children fight an adul figure makes one apologize. After the fake apology the other one has to give a fake 'its ok."
I think the expression should be changed from "it's okay" to either "don't say it unless you mean it" or " prove it by not doing it again."

Answer 6

Always wondered that. Probably because punching them back is not good. For now on I think I will say apology accepted.

Thanks
Beth

Answer 7

Yeah. I agree. Should be apology accepted.

Thanks for those words. I've been known to say it's okay, too, when it wasn't. Just didn't know what else to say.

Answer 8

Otherwise it will never end...even if you just mouth the words, it will clear the air, at least until the next row. I've done that a gazillion times, just to keep the peace.

Answer 9

Wow, great question... We say it because we don't know what else to say I think. I have said it, I have also accepted and not accepted an apology, but I think we say "it's okay" when we don't know what else to say.

Answer 10

To end the conflict. Even children can realize that someone didn't really mean to hurt them when they did something in anger. Forgiveness is a good thing.