if I had known I would feel this way, I would have never searched for my birth mom...anyone else feel this way?
2007-10-05 10:01:09 · 13 answers · asked by medge97 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adoption
I am so sorry you are hurting.
I don't know the details of your story, did you just search or did you reunite?
I met my mother 10 years ago, it went well at first but she cut contact after a year. It was too painful for her, too much guilt. Sometimes our mothers realize after reunion that giving us up wasn't for our own good, it wasn't the best thing for us, that they could have raised us.
Some of our mothers have had a picture in their minds of the baby they said goodbye to, and the realization of all the lost years when they see the adult is overpowering.
There are a million reasons why our mothers shut down, I have gotten some comfort in speaking to other relinquishing mothers, to try to understand their pain.
But whatever it is that happened, I am truly sorry you are hurting, I hope you can find some peace within your heart.
2007-10-05 11:10:35 · answer #1 · answered by Lillie 5 · 13⤊ 1⤋
oh medge, i wish i could make it better for you. try to look at it from the point of if you hadnt found her, you would spend the rest of your life wondering. and i know you would have because you searched-so you had a need to know.
sometimes things are so bad you wish you never knew, but like a someone that has a loved one missing, they hurt, wondering and longing to know what happened. when they finally learn the tragic end, they mourn, but they are able to heal and try to deal with the what happened. as awful as it seems at least you have the answers you were looking for, they were happy answers like you wished, but they were answers none the less.
allow yourself the time to be sad, angry, whatever emotions you are having. then count your blessings. you could have spent a lifetime with this person, and i cant see where that would have done either one of you any good.
not all reunions are wonderful experiences. i guess all i can say is you have learned some valuable information. just because you share genetics does not mean you are a family, or even friends for that matter. when your heart heals you will be a stronger person. until then, you know how to contact me if you need me. i promise i will make the time for you.
2007-10-05 13:57:03 · answer #2 · answered by rachael 5 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Reunion awakens unresolved grief. Whether the reunion goes well or not, welcome this pain as an opportunity to begin healing. Most people who were adopted did not feel they had permission to express all their feelings about being adopted. We were (and still are) expected to feel nothing buy happy, even though we may feel sad about it as well.
Who would NOT be sad to lose one's mother? Separation - especially at birth - is a MAJOR trauma. The memory is stored in a different part of our brain than normal memory and in our bodies as well. Most of us have suppressed this all our lives. Reunion reawakens our feelings about that trauma.
Whether your adoption experience was a positive one or not, your losses were quite real. Let the pain take you where you need to go. You are not alone. Thousands have experienced what you are going through.
Join a support group like http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/ and you will find a TON of people who understand what you are going through.
Best wishes to you.
2007-10-05 11:39:28 · answer #3 · answered by Julie R 3 · 10⤊ 1⤋
im adopted and have known my birth mother all along as grandparents adopted me,but i still feel hurt and let down by her and always will,it does hurt alot and nothing i can say will make that hurt go away,but in time it will ease slightly,if you want to email me and chat about it feel free
2007-10-05 14:07:01 · answer #4 · answered by bugwales 2 · 6⤊ 0⤋
i don't know. i have hurt my whole life (29 years)and everytime i lose someone i hurt more. it doesn't go away you just learn to deal with it. Just don't drink.
i started drinking and i totaled my car last friday.drinking is deffinately not the way to push it back but get a hobby or something. just stay busy. it helps cause it takes your mind off of stuff. find some friends to go out with. just try to keep yourself occupied. then eventually one day you will wake up and it will be such a habit that you really just don't have time to feel bad.
when i was 19 i tried to look for my mother but she was a minor and korean born. there is no social security number to track. i have given up my search. i'm afraid to find her now so i commend you on being stronger than me. i don't think my heart can take another big dissappointment. and their may not even be one but i'm not willing to even take that risk anymore.
2007-10-05 10:17:37 · answer #5 · answered by kaluah96 3 · 7⤊ 2⤋
My husband did when his reunion with his birth mother turned badly. She just couldn't handle it, so he tried to dial it back to just letters & phone calls and then she told him she never wanted to speak with him again. We got several hateful letters after that, and then one nice birthday card and that's it.
It's been awful thinking about her having her heart broken all over again, but we all thought the reunion was a good idea before they met. They each thought they were really ready for it. She found out after they met face to face how jealous she was of his mom and she just fell apart. It was really horrible, jeopardized her marriage and her relationship with her daughter and everything. So I guess it was better to call it quits, but it hurts. It's not so painful now as it was 6 years ago when it happened, but it still hurts.
2007-10-05 10:12:46 · answer #6 · answered by sparki777 7 · 7⤊ 2⤋
When I met my b-sister I thought everything went great and wer made plans to meet back up, but then she just stopped calling and wrote me off. Her mom didn't approve of us meeting
2007-10-05 11:42:13 · answer #7 · answered by in COGNITO * 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry for your pain. Its a risk you take although nothing will prepare you for what if things good wrong. Later on, you may be glad you did it, because not knowing can sometimes drive you crazy. Take it one day at a time and surround yourself with the people who love you and they will help you through
2007-10-05 15:04:05 · answer #8 · answered by Done 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Yes. My reunion did not work out at all. Sorry you're hurting. )-:
2007-10-06 01:43:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Time heals all pain. Good luck.
2007-10-05 10:06:30 · answer #10 · answered by geminimom79 2 · 4⤊ 10⤋