Shabbat Shalom all! A few Jewish jokes to hopefully make people smile...?

Question

Two older couples are having dinner together. As the wives clear the table, the men continue talking.
'Hal,' says one, 'last night we went out to a terrific new restaurant, and you've got to try it.'
"Sure,' says his friend. 'What's it called?'
'Um - wait a minute - what's that red flower you give to someone you love?'
'A carnation?'
'No, no, the other one...'
'A poppy?'
'No, no. You know, it's red and has thorns?'
'You mean a ROSE?'
'Yes, that's it!' Then, turning towards the kitchen he yells, 'Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Four friends were sitting in a Moscow restaurant. For a long time nobody said a word.
Finally one man groans. 'Oy.'
'Oy vey,' says a second man.
'Nu,' says the third.
The fourth man gets up from his chair and says, 'Listen, if you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving!'

In a small village in the Ukraine, a terrifying rumour was spreading: a young Christian girl had been found murdered.
Realising the dire consequences of such an event, and fearing yet another pogrom, the Jewish community instinctively gathered in the synagogue to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under these circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the synagogue president, out of breath and all excited. 'Brothers,' he cried out, 'we don't need to fear! I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!'

Gittelman returned home from a business trip to discover his wife had been unfaithful during his absence.
'Who was it?' he roared, 'That ******* Freedman?'
'No,' replied his wife, 'It wasn't Freedman.'
"Was it Cohen, that creep?'
'No, it wasn't him.'
"I know - it must have been that idiot, Greenberg!'
'No,' his wife insisted, 'it wasn't Greenberg either.'
Gittelman was furious. "Whatsa matter?' he cried, 'None of my friends good enough for you?'


A few months after the end of World War 1, the premier of Poland had a meeting with President Woodrow Wilson.
'If you don't meet our nation's demands at the peace conference,' warned the premier, 'I foresee great troubles ahead. The Polish people will be very angry, and they'll go out and massacre the Jews.'
'And if your demands ARE met?' asked Wilson.
"In that case,' responded the premier, 'my people will be delighted. They'll go out in the streets and get drunk - and THEN they'll massacre the Jews.'

HAMARKER - oh, that's a great one!! Cheers!

NYC CHUTZPAH - I think that one is utterly HILARIOUS! Thank you!

HEY REDSANDRIDER - I especially love that last joke you posted! Never heard that one before, it's a beauty!

WOW REDSANDRIDER is winning so far! That one about the janitor is also hilarious!

Answer 1

In a small town, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she did not want to stay lonely for the rest of her life, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage she went to the mikvah. Then she went home to prepare to light candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah
and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.
Then she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me
that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her,
"My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chag Sameach!
Shabbat Shalom y'all! :)

Answer 2

A reality of modern relationships is the knowledge that divorce statistics have been steadily escalating in recent years. Tips for avoiding divorce https://tr.im/HAX0v

Even now, all marriages have between a 40 and 50 percent chance of divorce, which increases for second and third marriages, which is why it's more important than ever to have the necessary skills to ensure your relationship is secure against the threat of divorce.

Answer 3

Moskowitz runs into his friend Finkelstein on the streets of New York.
"Finkelstein! Have I got a deal for you! I got a hold of a beautiful African elephant. I'll let you have it for only $100."
"Moskowitz, we're in the city? What would i do with an elephant?"
"It's 10 feet tall and 2 tons and a beautiful gray."
"But what would I feed it?"
"It's got big floppy ears and can pick up things with its trunk!"
"Moskowitz, I live in a small apartment on the third floor of a walk up apartment! Where would I keep an elephant?"
"Okay Finkelstein," Moskowitz finally says, "You drive a hard bargain. I'll throw in a 2nd elephant for only $50 more."
Finklestein quickly says, "Now, you're talking!!"

:-)

Answer 4

Holidays, Education, Hebrew, sitting at the Kiddush table on Shabbos morning and discussing until afternoon, and I like that whereever I go even if my family is really far away there are always nice ladies that care for me just like they were my parents/grandparents and make me feel at home whereever I am in this world. Shawua tow =)

Answer 5

Here's one, first posted on judiasm.about.com ---

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Here's one told to me, by of all people -- my MOTHER:

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oy, don't mind me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

Told to me by an old-time union leader ---

Late one night, Stalin gets a telegram from Trotsky.

It says – "Socialism can be built in one country. The USSR can succeed without democracy. My theory of "permanent revolution" is wrong. The Nazis can be trusted to keep their agreement. I should listen to you."

Understandably excited, he runs through the halls of the Kremlin. He must show someone this telegram in which Trotsky concedes most of the points of dispute between them. No one is around but the Jewish janitor. Excited, Stalin shows him the telegram. "Look, Trotsky says I was right all along!"

The janitor sighs. "No, Comrade Stalin, he doesn't."

"What do you mean? it's right here in the telegram!" The janitor replies, "Comrade Stalin, when you get a telegram from a Jew, you must read it like a Jew. Here, I'll show you.
"
(punctuation and capitalization substituted for tone of voice)

"Socialism can be built in one country??? The USSR can succeed without democracy??? My theory of "permanent revolution" is wrong??? The Nazis can be trusted to keep their agreement??? I should listen to YOU?"

Answer 6

Shabbat Jokes

Answer 7

A Priest and a Rabbi

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

Answer 8

The 3rd and 5th joke were uncalled for. The others were funny.

Answer 9

Love your attitude!!! As a non denominational spiritual person, living in the middle east, keep up the good work.

Answer 10

This is a little off color but I think it's funny


Hasidic Newlyweds


As has been the tradition for many years, a marriage has been arranged for a young Hasidic couple. Unfortunately the young man has never been briefed on the whys and "how-tos" of making love.

The wedding takes place and the young couple find themselves in bed, ready to consummate the marriage.

The young man says to his bride, "I've never done this before. I'm not really sure what to do!!"

His young bride responds in a reassuring way that she will guide him through the process. She says, "Remove your garments."

The husband complies.

"No" she says, "all of them, not just your tzitzis."

A little embarrassed, the husband complies. She says, "OK, now you need to lie right on top of me."

"Naked" he asks.

"Yes" she says.

So he climbs on to her, but just lies there.

"Now" she says, "put it inside me."

"You mean my..." "Yes!"

He does so, but is still embarrassed and just lies there on top of her doing nothing, rigid in more ways than one.

Finally after several minutes of just lying there, the bride gets an idea.


"Now" she says, "Dahven!!!!"