my husband has custody of our daughter he has had her since she was 6. The mom is in and out of the picture when it is convient for her. when she is around she pumps our daughters head up with all these things she is going to do for her and then never comes through with the promises and we are left to deal with the attitudes, or being withdrawn or just emotional from being let down. we do not want to just go on a mom bashing sessions...because that is her mom and she should love her and her flaws...you only get one mother, but what can we do to help her understand her moms situation without it appearing to be a bashing session and how can we go about telling her mother she is wrong and the effects it has on our daughter when she does that...please help!
2007-10-05 04:15:11 · 12 answers · asked by Ms. Sunshine 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
A 12 year old is old enough to understand a lot. She already knows how her mother is and probably knows that she won't change. It may be a few years until she accepts it though.
What I would do is not say anything negative to step-dau. Don't say anything negative to anyone about birth mom either. Step dau will feel like mom is getting a bum wrap even if she is not. She will feel like she needs to defend her, because she is her 'mother'.
If your Step dau talks to you about 'mother', promises, etc, just listen, no negative, and ask questions in response to questions.
Why doesn't mom call me? you say, I'm not sure, could she be busy, what do you think?
Why isn't she here to pick me up?.....I don't know, would you have any ideas?
Let her come to her own determinations. If you say the answer, then she may doubt, get angry, defend. If she comes up with the answer, then she has made up her mind and found her truth.
She is bright. Just give her positive energy, time and love. Pray for the best.
Good luck with her.
2007-10-05 04:51:49 · answer #1 · answered by PFS rep 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its tough coz she's reaching a difficult age now ... continuing to be the supportive parents is best ... be honest to her about her mum, talk without expressing opinions and don't push the subject on her, if she wants to talk and listen she will, otherwise it will just exel the situation and her emotions. As for her mum, there is nothing you can say to her to make her change, she sounds like a very selfish person and will most likely continue to be that way. When your daughter gets older she will understand and see her for what she is, but it will take some time ... also the mother will realise what she has done.
It may seem tough, but these things work out in the end ...
2007-10-05 04:22:59 · answer #2 · answered by Mocha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can make the things happen that were promised, then do so to the best of your ability and maybe that will win her over. That's bashing the mom, just showing her you care that much about her. And you must play the part of a real parent as much as possible since she is primarily in your care, even to the point of maybe harsh correctional measures when necessary. You've got to prove to her you're having only her best interests in mind when doing so.
2007-10-05 04:23:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is 12 and probably already knows that her mom does this to her, and if she doesn't she will figure it out soon enough! you should do what you can to make sure she doesn't think the whole world is like this but you right probably anything you say will seem like bashing so let her figure it out and just make sure that it doesn't happen at your house. I have a son in the same sit w/ his dad and he is 14 and he has handle it very well.
2007-10-05 04:21:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
good luck you need to be supportive to the daughter but that does not mean you can take any crap from her! just tell her you know she is upset and disappointed and you are there to talk ,
WOW , tell the mom she is wrong that can open up a whole new world for the kid , the daughter knows how her mom is and she will always hope it will be different this time !! the mom knows right from wrong she does not need to hear it from anyone,
be there for the daughter with open ears and an open mind sometimes you do not need to say anything!!
2007-10-05 04:22:18 · answer #5 · answered by jgilbertdo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been though a very similar situation with my children. I know this a very difficult time for you and your husband, and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except be there for her and provide love and consistency. Deep down she probably knows what her mother is like, but is not ready to accept the reality. We actually saw a counselor about our situation. We were told that as she matures she will gradually face the truth. It might not be until she has her own children that she truly understands.
Good luck and hang in there!
2007-10-05 04:48:07 · answer #6 · answered by Leah R 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what i think you should do is tell the 12year old that sometime parent's might tell you thing's that you may wont to hear and that they don't really mean to hurt your feeling' but that's just how some parent's are and your a big girl now so you have to learn that parent's can't always come through for you like they should but don't worry because your parent will one day just wait and see thing's will get better trust me. And you or your husband should tell the mother that she needs to stop making promises that she knows she can't keep because it's effecting the child because she thinks that you are ganna do something and don't and also it's not fair when you and him have to listen to her cry about what she say's she ganna do
2007-10-05 04:30:46 · answer #7 · answered by princess 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW, are talking about my x, story is the sam, just different names & faces!! I was a single Dad for 11 years w/3 great kids, their mom lived in LV. Ran the party circle, but made empty promises constantly to the kids, she contact them every 3-4 years, and try to blow their heads full of crap, and empty promices!! They reacted badly (same as your lil girl). I would listen calmly, and then ask them who was taking care of them FOR REAL!!! Don't lose your cool, & try not to stress out. Be her friend always,&MOM when she needs you!! Don't let her be a brat to you either!! Make sure your hubby is on the same page!!! My kids, r grown w/their families, we're still very close I've got 9 grankids, and we still enjoying life. Their mom, well she is
n't very credible, I don't say bad things about her! JUST ENJOY THE LIFE GOD GAVE YOU!! You must pretty special to be raising her!!! GOD BLESS YA
2007-10-05 04:30:07 · answer #8 · answered by happywjc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i had the same problem when my stepdaughter was little her mom would say she was going to pick her up and then not show up and it would break my heart especcially when she would cry and ask why dont mommy love me .you just have to try and speak with her mom( though that didnt work for me) i think sometimes some people just dont care what they do to their kids or maybe they just dont think it hurts them but all you can really do is be there for your child and try to comfort her and just be honest with her that you really dont know why she does these things and its not her fault because if u badtalk about her real mom it will only make her hate you
2007-10-05 04:23:22 · answer #9 · answered by jesse m_violated for nothing 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's too young to really understand. unfortunately, the only way she'll get to know her real mother is by being disappointed over and over again. it will do her (nor you) any good to help her along. when she gets older and understands better, she'll get the picture that her mother's a loser. in the meantime, allow her to be young and innocent. she's lucky she has a responsible female figure like you in her life, and you'll just have to trust that your influence will be positive enough that she won't be hurt too badly when she discovers who her mother really is.
2007-10-05 04:20:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋