My mom is constantly comparing her grandkids abilities out-loud. She won't stop!?

Question

My mom, who watches my son 1 day a week while I'm in nursing school and who is also raising my niece, is constantly comparing his and her abilities to one another. My Aunt also has a baby in her custody who is very close to my sons age and they are always constantly in competition over who's smarter, more "physically advanced", etc. etc.

They did this with me, my sisters and my cousins when I was little and I remember always feeling not good enough. I think it's wrong and cruel.

My son is only 19 mo. old but I know that soon he will understand and I wonder if I should try to find alternate care. I've talked to her about this and she just continues... it doesn't phase her. Also, she and my Aunt are horrible gossips (even about their own children) and seem to thrive on negative drama. It hurts.

She also doesn't respect what I say when it comes to my son. She gives him kool-aid, french fries.. basically junk..even though I provide healthy snacks for her to give him. Advice?

Answer 1

First off, let me address the issue of comparing. You are absolutely right - it is cruel and emotionally damaging. Don't put it past your son to understand such comments at 19 months old. The negative comments, drama, etc. are all very bad for your son.
Now, there's the issue of junk. A 19 - month - old should NOT be eating fries and drinking Koolaid - especially since you, the mom, told Grandma those things are off limits! She doesn't respect your rules, and she doesn't respect your son's emotional welfare. You have two options - either have a talk with her AND Auntie, tell them both they need to cut out the drama and baby contests, and tell Grandma she needs to respect your wishes in terms of the rules you set for your son. If they grow up and respect your wishes, you can give her another chance. If not, find someone a little more mature and responsible to watch your son. Your other option is to just find someone else to watch your son immediately. Also, if your aunt and mother still continue with their childish antics, I would really limit the time your son spends with them. What they're doing is damaging to him, and maybe if you send the message that they can't see him if they keep it up, they'll stop. Hope this helps!

Answer 2

I'd limit your son's exposure to her, and arrange for someone else to watch him.

I would definately do that, but try to be sure that she's trying to be malicious about it. It's natural to compare all that stuff. In my family, my older son is exactly the same age as a friend's child, and they've always been compared. My younger son is the same age as a cousin, and they're compared. My younger niece and nephew are the same age, and THEY'RE compared.

What worked best for me was to bring up things to brag about, so that she isn't only comparing him in a negative light. When people compare my son (who was developmentally delayed) with the friend's son, we just took to reminding people of his good traits, like the fact that he's affectionate, he is encouraging to his friends, he's good at computers, etc. With my younger one, we bring up that he's funny and he's VERY imaginative.

But you must understand, this is in a family where comparing them is not malicious, so introducing those good traits for each kid is helpful and kind of makes up for other comparisons. If she's bent on pointing out what some do right and others do wrong, or anything like that, you need to either find a way to nip in the bud, or not leave your son with her if you're worried about it.

I don't know that I would make a point to do it immediately. It'll be a while before he even picks up on social cues like that, so he could very well be fine with being around it until he's almost five or so, as long as she's nice about it and he never questions her love for him.

In the immediate, the snack thing is a bigger deal, and the underlying problem of not respecting your wishes as his parent. If she can't bring herself to do that, then yes, I think you'd be well within your rights (if you've told her clearly already) to stop letting her see him when you aren't there with them.

Answer 3

My mom didn't do the negative comparisons, however she did do the junk food. She also didn't follow the same do's and don'ts as I along with complaining about having to babysit when it was she that offered. I found alternative daycare. If you think talking to your mom firmly one last time would help and you'd like to give her another chance, that's up to you. I'd be prepared to find alternative care if you're in the position to do so. If not, what I had to do was go to the welfare office and get approved for child care benefits. I was able to put my son in a great daycare where they even had a preschool program. I didn't have to hear her complain and it was good for my son socially. I'd make the same choice again. Good luck!!

Answer 4

Sounds like we're related. I didn't talk until I was ten because of this and was severely introverted. I eventually stopped it by not talking to my my family for 4 months. I wouldn't recommend anything that drastic but you do need to do something besides just asking. Maybe you are right thinking about alternative care. You are your sons mother and what you say goes, no matter who is watching him. You are right to worry about your son's health and mental being. Don't let your decision hurt you either. It isn't really even about you when you think about it. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Answer 5

Finding alternate care is imperative. There is so much evidence that comparing kids to each other is traumatizing for them I don't even know where to begin telling you about it. Also, children who are gossiped about by their own parents do not trust their parents, and will eventually refuse to talk to their parents about their lives. I will pause to let the ramifications of that statement sink in.
Finally, if your mom just doesn't respect the way you raise your son, even down to healthy snacks over junk food, she is not the person to watch him. Confine your son's contact with your mother and aunt to supervised visits, and "debrief" your child after, making sure he knows he is not to feel inferior to other children he is compared to, and make him know that he can always confide in you (if not others) without fear of being gossiped about.

Answer 6

You say sisters, are any of them living close by that could help? It is your child and if you don't want him to have to go through what you did then you should find another place. He is only 19mo. and people usually don't have anything they can vividly remember until roughly 2 years old so you have time. I would look everywhere first before even considering daycare it is expensive and I really hated going when my mom made me back in the day.

Answer 7

Clearly, she's in the wrong.

It doesn't sound like a great situation for your son, so yes: try to find alternate care.

Look at it this way: if she weren't related--if she were a paid child-minder--would you put up with this, or would you find someone else to care for your child?

Answer 8

Find somewhere else for your son. This is not the best place for both his health and mental well being. You have tried to talk to her about it and got no where. He does not need to feel inferior and soon he will begin to understand what is going on.

Answer 9

Find new care. What she is doing is disrepectful to you and your child!

Answer 10

SO WHY ARE YOU TORTURING THEM AS YOU WERE IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG EITH YOU TO LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSSELF OR DO YOU GET A KICK OUT OF THIS STUFF SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN MENTALLY CHALENGED AND ARE LOOKING FOR REVENGE IF SO STOP IT NOW AND GET OUT OF NURSING SCHOOL BEFORE YOU CORRUPT MORE INNOCENT PEOPLE