I don't know how to deal with my negative mother anymore. She's really hurting my feelings.?

Question

My mom has always been a pretty negative person. The older I get the more I realize that she is very gossipy, judgemental and negative. She is my mother and I love her but it's very difficult to be around her. The problem is that I am presently relying upon her to watch my 19 mo. old son while I go to school to become a nurse. My boyfriend and I cannot afford daycare and his mother is unable to handle our son (she's schizophrenic). My mom only watches him 1 day a week and my boyfriend the other (I go to school full-time 2 days/wk). She is okay with my son although I see her repeating a lot of the negative stuff she did during my childhood... like yelling a lot. I try to go over there at least 1 or 2 other days a wk to visit with her and my dad. But she often acts annoyed to see me which really hurts. She's also very negative and makes rude comments. I don't know what to do. She doesn't seem to care. I've tried talking to her but she says nothing's wrong. Should I distance myself?

Answer 1

This sounds so familiar to me. I always veiwed my Mom as very negative and judgmental as well. As I got older and developed my own views of the world I couldn't understand why she was the way she was. One day I was talking to someone about the situation and she said, "The Universe puts people in our lives to show us what we need to work on in ourselves." It took me a while after that to finally get it. But once I did, I realized I was exactly like my mother. I started to see that I was doing things the same way my mother did. Once I finally became aware of those traits in myself I was able to change them.

I tell you this because this may be a lesson that is trying to be learned. Look at how you respond to things. This will require brutal honesty on your part. Do you respond to things with negative words? Do you make judgmental comments about people? It may be something that you do that your aren't currently aware of. This doesn't make you a bad person. It's just a new level of awareness.

If your Mom says there's nothing wrong, take her at her word. When she says something that is offensive, point it out to her in a calm way and tell her how it makes you feel. Don't be argumentative or blaming. Just stick to the facts. This is what you said. This is how I feel when you say things like that. By doing that it will help her become more aware of how she handles things and maybe you can help both of you at once.

Answer 2

Negative Mother

Answer 3

As someone that went through something similiar as a kid, you should get away from her. It isn't good for you or your son. If you can't afford daycare, is there one at your school? Sometimes they have a program that may be very inexpensive to do so. Also you can check with SRS, or someplace like that. They can normally help find and maybe pay for the daycare for you while you are in school. Good luck. It will be hard, but look at all the things that will be better because of it.

Answer 4

You're kind of in a jam right now, but luckily your son isnt old enough to fully understand whats going on when he is there. At least, he isnt old enough right now. One day he will be tho. Hopefully you can finish school soon and stick out letting her watch him til then cuz its free,.....but have you considered who will watch your son later when you are nursing for long hours?

It is probably for the best to find a friend or actually hire someone to watch him once you finish school or he gets a little older... spending more time being babysat by her could begin to impact his mood negatively, especially once he turns 3 or 4 and especially if you are always working and he's always being babysat.

You were raised by her and you turned out fine, but he may not be. If he has to go through the trauma of a negative woman who probably feels she is past the taking care of children phase of her life (and maybe resents doing it a little), and he can understand that she makes him feel bad when she yells, he might begin to become sullen and withdrawn.

Answer 5

It might be best to do just that. The yelling in particular is not good for your son to have to deal with. I know you love your Mother and it would probably break your heart to cut yourself off from her entirely, so do continue to contact her and your Father. But only so much as you can bear. Raising a child and going to school full-time is tough enough without subjecting yourself and your son to her abuse...and that is what is. No getting around that ok?
Good luck in your studies. I have a feeling you are are going to do very well.

Answer 6

No. You only have one Mom. You know how she is, and you cannot change her so you are the one who must adapt. Just ignore the rude comments and the negativity and be glad you can see her at all because someday you won't be able to and you will remember and feel good about seeing her despite your misgivings...believe me, I know.

Answer 7

You can not change the negative person, they have to.
Negative people grow older and more negative as time passes.
You can not wear out the negative but it can drag you down or at least wear you down.
Tell her she is negative when ever she shows it. May be she will catch on that it is not cool.
I have watched my sister go from negative to down right viscous...negative brings on troubles of all kinds with in them selves and does hurt other peoples out look on life.
Misery likes company. The ones being negative want you to join their small and insecure world.(Say no to that)
We all have sad tales to tell but do you want or need to hear them? = NOT.
Be joy and grace and goodness will follow you all the days of your life.

Answer 8

Shes was probly abused growing up now shes negative she will never change. Too bad people choose that life. Dont fall for her tricks with words stand up to her, bullys are always cowards. Or just never see her ever again.

Answer 9

I think your mom needs psychiatric evaluation. If you are not welcome there, try not to spend any more of your precious time there than you need to.
Instead, call and chat with your dad, and drop the kid off to be watched there on the appointed days only for as long as you have to.
When you get work at a hospital, see if their in-house daycare facilities can take care of your child.

Is there anyone else in your circle of friends that you can swap daycare duty with... that person takes your kid on that day, and you take theirs on another day so they can get out of the house.

Answer 10

HERES THE DEAL YOU MADE THE KID, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOU NEED TO LOOK INTO WELFARE TO HELP YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND NEEDS TO GET IT TOGETHER TO HELP OUT MORE. YOUR MOM SEEMS RESENTFUL AND SHE RAISED YOU, NOT YOUR KIDS. THIS IS AAN UNLUCKY SITUATION AND SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SHE IS TIRED OF RAISING AND HELPING WITH SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T CREATE. I GET RESENTFUL OF HAVING TO RAISE MY SISTERS KID AND WHEN HE ACTS UP HIS MOM DOES NOTHING BUT BLAME ME. HER OTHER KIDS DON'T EVEN LISTEN A BIT TO HER AND SHE HAS 3 OTHERS. GO TO WELFARE AND ASK IF YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ELSE FOR DAYCARE. SMETIMES THEY WILL ARRANGE TO PAY HER WHAT YOU GIVE YOUR MOM SO A 400 DOLLAR CHECK OR SO MIGHT JUST BE THE INCENTIVE FOR HER TO BE A LITTLE MORE POSITIVE. IF NOT A FRIEND MIGHT HELP OUT. BUT ULTIMATELY YOU ARE THE MOTHER SO THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.