if u have experience w/ this plz answer. never really new father whos now dying.?

Question

my father for a very long time has been a heavy drug user. he has been undependable and bounced from place to place. he was never part of my life. my grandmother and one aunt called and checked up on me once in awhile and when hed call my gram shed update him on me. today my aunt called to tell me that my father was dying. he was on life support and they were pulling his plug. he is breathign some on his own but it wont b long. his liver and kidneys r shot. he has put his body thru too much. im only 22 hes 46. i always thought when this happened id b older. i always wanted to confront him but i always thought someday hed grow up. i always felt like i wasnt enough for him and he didnt want me or care for me i had alot of therapy over my abandonment issues. i did get to c him and visit him once when i was 6 and i loved him he was so much fun i wold have loved to c him more but at some point he relized his lifestyle wasnt something for a child to b around. i respect him for this. but im..

im still angry w/ him tho. im angry that he chose his partying over me and that i always felt so unimportant to him. but his gf said the only thing he has ever talked about is his brother (who died when they were teenagers which started the downspin of his life) and me. yet hes been dying for a month and never told anyone about me!! im his only child and it means so much to me that he has thoguth of me and that he just might really love me and to no that he regrets not having me inhis life and i forgive him but at the same time i dont no if i should go to c him i dont no if i can and i dunno if i should go to the funeral there were so many times he couldve seen me and he never did and i dont now how i feel about all of this. any advice or experience?

im getting married in may he didnt even no until my gram told him today. ive always secretly hoped hed come back to b a apart of my life and the things in it. perhaps it was a childs fantasy but im heartbroken and i have so many mean things to say but how can i do it to a man whos dying. how can i tell him how much i hate him and how much i love ghim and how sorry i am that we never really new each other?!

someone said about my mother...she was the complete opposite of him. i have had a great life w/out him i dont regret so much not haiving him in my life i just regret knowing basically that this is it hell never change theres no chance for him to redeem himself w/ me and theres no chance we can ever have any kind or real father daughter relationship. i worry that ill regret not seeing him but i also worry it mite hurt me worste to c him im jsut confused and i dont think theres enough time left to undo my confusion before he passes.

Answer 1

I totally know what you are going through. I was 8 years old when my mom moved me 13 hours away from my dad. He became an avid drinker and cocaine addict and I never seen him again. What I remembered of him was wonderful, he was a great dad when he was a part of my life. Unfortunately his drug use was more important than his childrens lives. I had planned everyday on finding him so that he could see me all grown up. But he suffered a major stroke at the age of 52 and contracted flesh eating virus in the seattle hosp and died before I ever got the chance to tell him that I loved him and say I just wanted to show you all that you missed. I was 22 at the time. I was devastated. I was even more devastated when I got the call that he had passed from my abusive ex step father that I would have rather died then talk to. What a slap in the face! Anyways what I am trying to say is that if you feel that you have something to say to him no matter how hard it may be, then you should. I dreamt of it for years and missed it. I still think about what it would have been like. but in reality I realized that not seeing him killing himself was probably one of the greatest gifts I could have asked for. Dont feel abandoned, if there is anything I have learned in life its that you have to take everything that happens in your life be it good or bad and use it as strength. You are a wiser person than anyone who has not lived your life. I have also learned what kind of parent I choose to be. Your life is about choices everything you do is your choice. Use it positively and you will be a stronger, wiser person than you ever imagined you could be. I hope this all works out for you.

Answer 2

Hi Jen:

I understand your situation. I have just two things to say...

1. No matter how bad or hard your life was because of him, you need to let it go. There's no silver bullet or magical formula and all the talk in the world is not going to make you feel any better. Dwelling on it and festering on it will only make you feel worse and raise more questions that you will never know the answer to. You need to forget the past, remember what little was good and throw away the rest of the bad stuff. Just turn it off like a switch.

2. The fact that you seem to be torn about whether to see him or not before he passes tells me that you should go. You will feel better about it and get rid of any potential future guilt.

People are the way they are and there's nothing that will change the past. Confronting him will not change anything other than to perhaps punish him for the pain he's put you through...later you may regret it. Let's face it...he's already paying the ultimate price...try to get what little you can that's positive while you can.

You WILL be o.k...You WILL have a good life...You WILL have a happy and abundant life. YOU can get whatever you want out of life if you want it bad enough.

Answer 3

Your father was immature to say the least. I am sorry that you have experienced this situation, but I really feel you owe the man nothing. In your case the man that is your biological father was not ready to be a father at all. And it sounds like, he stayed emotially detached from you (his daughter) all of his life. He did not want a child in his life, and chose his lifestyle and drugs over you. He was a very selfish man, ignorant and full of self that he is not worth troubling yourself over. He is dying , and at an early age so basically there is nothing you can do to change that. He is the one who missed out and now there is no turning back to even change things - stop dwelling over what "might have been"...and look forward to the future. You don't mention your mother..? perhaps you had a better relationship with her - and if you didn't - I am so sorry that you have had experienced such a dysfunction. Just make sure that you are able to break this chain with your own children someday...Good Luck!

Answer 4

Know this and it is 100 percent true. I know it to be a fact, not a fantasy, not something written in some moldy old book. Your father is going to go back to his pefect state very shortly. He won't feel badly for what he did, he will only feel peace and joy being reunited with God. He will understand all that happened to him and he will be able to get value from his experiences. That doesn't mean that you weren't hurt in the process. But you are developing your own experiences and story to bring back. Forgive him. Understand that in the physical state, we are all flawed individuals. That is part of the 'rules'. He didn't mean you harm, but his own hurts in this world put him into conflict with the higher good. Cherish the good stuff and forget the rest. Because honestly, you can't reclaim the past. And the longer you let the things from the past affect what is going on in your present life, the less chance you have at true happiness going forward. So say goodbye, try to smile for him if you can. But don't get stuck in the rut of feeling your whole life there is unfinished business. That will not serve you well.

Answer 5

I am sorry for you missing out on having a Dad. However, I would like to believe, that your Dad always loved you, but the drugs have messes him up so bad, that he probably couldn't think straight. You don't know, why he did drugs. I know there is no excuse for his behavior, but he is an addict and now he is paying a big price, because he is dying at a very young age. Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him and maybe this would give you a piece of mind. Maybe just going to the hospital to see him and hold his hand will make you feel you and him better. I am sure your Dad never meant to hurt you, but he got so caught up with all those drugs and he needed somebody to pull him out. He is paying deeply. Forgiving him, doesn't mean you have to forget what it did to you, but maybe this way you can give him some piece of mind. He loves you and you love him.

Answer 6

I am going to sound callous. What's behind you is not important. Do not let his oncoming death affect your oncoming life. You mentioned you have a b/f. Let him love him and love him back. Today is what is important, not yesterday.

He was never there for you. When you lost your first tooth. When you learned to spell your name. When you graduated from 1st grade. When you had your first date. When you became the adult you are. I see no reason to let him into your life now. In your heart say goodbye to him, do not go to the hospital and I won't even go the funeral.

Like I said this is callous. But your life is what is most important, not some sperm donor who is dying because of the life choices he made.

Answer 7

Yes, dead people can hear us out, thats why we shouldn't talk bad about them. You're really a good child to your dad because you offered him the qouran reading!! I'm sure he'll be pleasured by this... And I'm saying this based on what our prophet Muhammad said, and also its based on qouran. When you intended to give the al-Fatihah to your dad, its surely goes him, don't worry. A child's recite to their parents will be fulfilled by Allah directly without concerning whether the child is sinful or not.. But to your grandma, u need to follow the conditions of reciting for someone else, like u need to be purified from illegal foods in Islam, always do good and more. Its always best for us to give them (the dead) some qouran reading or stuff in Allah's place.. Like if u pray for someone in Mecca, it is more Afdhal and more blessing.. But home, not so bad after all. :-)

Answer 8

It's hard to figure what causes unconditional love for fathers. My parents were divorced when I was three, and I really never got to know my father too well before he died. I worshipped him though. Both Freud and Jung thought that love for fathers is universal. Freud thought this harked all the way back to primitive times and that all religion was based on the ambivalence of such love. Maybe he was right. Below is Theodore Roethke's poem describing his relationship with his father. Your father is comparatively benign, and yet it's obvious that Roethke passionately loved his father.

My Papa's Waltz

The whiskey on your breath
Could make a small boy dizzy;
But I hung on like death:
Such waltzing was not easy.

We romped until the pans
Slid from the kitchen shelf;
My mother's countenance
Could not unfrown itself.


The hand that held my wrist
Was battered on one knuckle;
At every step you missed
My right ear scraped a buckle.


You beat time on my head
With a palm caked hard by dirt,
Then waltzed me off to bed
Still clinging to your shirt.


Anyway, I have a seventy-year-old cousin who abandoned his daughter when she was three. She resented this all her life. However, when my cousin grew to middle-age he discovered, much to his amazement, that he loved his daughter and tried everything he could think of to win her love back. He's just now starting to have some success after pestering her for years and years. We have to assume my cousin is typical of most boyish fathers, so it's pretty safe to assume your father would have made amends with you if his health had allowed it.

Answer 9

My dear...It takes only about
10 minutes to make a baby.
But most men do not consider
what being a father really is
until they see and realize that
they just made a new little
person. Some men never make this transition from lover
to father. They have not grown up enough to even care for themselves, let alone
another person.
A child tries to love their
father no matter what, but
sometimes this is just impossible. This man gave
you life, that's all. He really
cheated you out of a great
relationship, but that's over
now, so for your own mental
health, let it go. And when you
find a guy you love, you will
at last know the love of a man
who really cares for you.

Answer 10

This man may be your biological parent, but he hasn't been a father. You do not have to feel shame or regret for not being there when he dies alone, as he was the one that ran away from the people who would have loved him and let him know that he would be missed.

I hope things get better for you and you are not responsible for his actions.