I have been reading the arguments on here between adoptive parents and adult adoptees for some time now...?

Question

I don't usually comment, just read. I'm trying to understand the issues better but I guess I am still uneducated enough to be confused. A lot of the comments make me feel like I'm doing something wrong?

My husband and I are foster parents, the infant that is currently in our care has been with us since birth and will soon be up for adoption. We will be adopting him, simple as that. His mother (as much as she loves him) is mildly mentally retarded and it has been proven that she is incapable of caring for him, even with all the support the world has to offer. She seems to understand that we will be adopting him and it doesn't seem to bother her one bit, she even calls me his mom.

Adopting him seems very natural and uncomplicated to us but reading all of the terrible things being said on here about adoptions I am begining to think otherwise. I guess my question is to the people that feel adoption is wrong or are bitter about their own, what can I do to make this situation work?

What issues should we be aware of?

Can you offer any advice or suggest any resources?

Answer 1

I think it's great that you are willing to at least see that there are other sides to adoption that are not all happy-happy.
Well done to you!!

You are becoming aware of the ethics involved - and if you have the very best interests for the child and the child's mother - then you are certainly on the right track.

Read as much as you can. Make yourself aware of the things that have caused the greatest problems for adoptees down the track - and be open and honest at all times with the child.

Keep family links open - so very important for an adoptees self image and growth.
And please don't make him ever feel indebted to you for his adoption.

His adoption will have meant that he has had to lose a great deal in his life. He should be allowed to grieve for that in any way he wishes.
(think about it - if his mother had died - you would allow him to grieve.....)
Allow him whatever moments he needs to be sad about not being able to live with his mother.

His mother may not be able to parent him - but she will always be his first mother - and it would help greatly if you honour that link - as it will always be part of him.

Here is a link to adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

And here are a couple of links to some adoptive parents who do truley try to look after the best interests of their adoptee - as it is a unique position that you are placing yourself in -

http://seriouslyjustme.blogspot.com/
http://www.allmychildren-christine.blogspot.com/
http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/
http://goingbacktosquareone.blogspot.com/

I wish you the best. Ultimately - if you know in your heart that this child's mother really can't parent her child - then you will be able to be fully honest with this child in his upbringing knowing that you are doing the best for him.

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And to those that have become a little paranoid about the posters here at Yahoo - I'm really sorry that you have to stoop to such levels to prove your own points!!

Seriously - you make me chuckle.

I personally know a great many posters here - adoptees, first mums and at least one of the adoptive parents - and I know of no one that has 'multiple accounts'.

Really - it's the welfare of the adoptees that concerns us - and the exploitation of unsuspecting expectant mothers.

If you don't want to fully be aware of issues that exist in adoptions to this day - well - your adoptees will probably be all 'bitter and angry' when they go and grow up - no matter how hard you try to fight against it.

Answer 2

Please, don't reconsider adopting - it sounds like you will give that child the loving home he needs.
My husband was adopted back in the '40's and didn't connect with any birth relatives till the 90's. He grew up as an only child so it was great for him to find out he had birth family out there.
The only thing I would do is try and get all the medical information possible to keep on hand for your son. That's the only thing we've come across. While being tested for upcoming surgery he was once again asked about family history of medical issues which he couldn't answer.
Other than that, just tell your son from day one he's adopted so it's a natural thing for him. Years back it was hidden and a shock to some in their teens and twenties when they found the papers. My husband always knew and nobody in his adopted family treated him differently. It was never an issue at school etc.
I think one person who is a great advocate for adoption is Marie Osmond. If you have ever seen her on a TV interview show, she is no doubt asked about the number of children she has and how many she adopted. Her answer is, "gee I have no idea, they're all my children".
Adoption is a great thing - good luck and look forward to raising that precious little boy.

Answer 3

Lets put it this way, Knowing what they know now, had they had a chance to do it all over again, they wouldn't go through it again. Some people feel that way about chemo and radiation. Once you have done it, know what is in store for you, chances are you wouldn't chose it again. That has nothing to do with who you love, only what you have been through. What they have been through has no reflection what so ever on how some of them were raised. It has to do with the pain it caused to begin with.

Answer 4

Hi Crystal,

I am not an adult adoptee; I am a birth mom; but I am one of the people here who has grave concerns about ethics in adoption.

To answer the first part of your question... I do not think you are doing anything wrong. Many people who are pro-adoption-reform are very much in favor of adoption from foster care. If a mother's rights must be terminated because she is unfit, then that is sad, but it does happen... and those children then need homes.

I actually wish MORE people would consider adopting from foster care... I was an adoption caseworker for kids in foster care for a time, and it saddens me to this day to know that so many are aging out of the system.

I also think that domestic infant ("voluntary") adoption is fine IF the mom truly cannot parent. I have no problem with people adopting a newborn if the mom truly cannot parent.

What I have a problem with is moms relinquishing and people adopting babies when the bio mom COULD HAVE parented if just given a little support.

So, do I think you are doing something wrong? No.

As far as how to help... I am not qualified to answer from the adoptee side... but from the birth mother side of things, you can help HER by allowing her to stay in contact even after her rights are terminated, by letting her see her child is okay, by allowing her to have a relationship with your/her son as he grows, even though it won't/can't be a mommy-son relationship.

For your son... he may or may not have "issues" (dislike the word, but will use it because I think it is recognizable) with losing his birth mom and with being adopted. Again, I'm not really qualified to answer, not being an adoptee, but I can tell you what I've learned from reading adoptee blogs... over and over, I see adult adoptees say that none of us (bio parents, adoptive parents) CAN "fix" the situation. None of us can DO anything to make the loss go away. It just is what it is. All we can do is validate that they experienced a loss, honor their relationships with their other parents (for me that means honor my daughter's relationship with her adoptive parents; for you that will mean honoring your son's relationship with his birth parents), and allow them to feel however they do.

Is this making any sense?

In other words.. we can't "fix" things for adoptees. All we can do is be a listening ear and a support.

Hope this helps.

I think it is awesome and very brave of you to ask this question.

Answer 5

Hello Crystal I am proud of what you and your husband is or will do for the child you are caring for now. He will be fine in your care dont let others try and get into your head that you are doing things wrong for the child.I just want you to get as much medical information from both sets of parents so you have a heads up on what is in the health history of the families involved.

Answer 6

don't listen the the people who dislike the peopel adotping kids i mean i was adopted out and had a good life if i hadn't been i would have been a mess like my other two siblings i have met thema nd its sad. you are fine and i am glad you are going to save this child that is great you go and don't listen to all this mumbling about what they think. yes i guess there are some out there that feel that the world is againist them but you know what? some got a bad rap by some of the parents that were mean who adopted them yes, it does happen and its sad but with somany out thee needing families this is great and i commend you take care from an adoptte.

Answer 7

Follow your heart and booey on whatever people say about adopption being wrong. What could possible be wrong with providing a loving home and tender care toy a child who is need of such??? Nothing is wrong with that. I am not too familiar with foster care, however I am a mom of 4 with 1 being adopted. Do what is right for you and your family and of course for the best interest of the children. Open your arms and let them into your heart. Thank you for your caring heart. Hope this helps you think....

Answer 8

I have twin boys adopted from Africa. Their tummy mommy died of AIDs 2 days after they were born, we have no idea what happened to their father, and their grandmother was old and in extremely poor health. The boys were fortunate enough to have ARV treatment so they are happy, healthy rumbunctious almost four year olds and are HIV negative. We adopted them for humanitarian reasons, not fertility reasons, and we were lucky enough to recently have a birth child. The adjustment to our third child has been incredibly difficult, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the time I was not able to spend with twins prior to us adopting them at 11 months. So much so that I chose not to breastfeed our biological child, in order to try and preserve the bond that we have with the twins.

I would love to say that adoption is natural and uncomplicated, NO, it is not. Raising children outside of their culture, their home country, their race group is extremely difficult. I never want them to think that by us raising them we are rejecting who they are, and where they come from, but I know that they will probably go through a stage of being extremely angry, and rejected. We will cross that bridge when we come to it, but prepare ourselves every day for when that might happen. I have become extremely sensitive to any forms of prejudice, but I also know that the boys mould their behaviour on ours, so we have to learn to transform people's views through positive reinforcement and not defensive backlashes.

However raising my twin boys is one of the most rewarding pleasures anyone can ever experience. They are fortunate enough to be surrounded by many wonderful people, from many different countries. They enrich our lives every day, and adopted or not, they are just two little boys. They love their parents, they love their baby brother, they love their cats, their grandparents and ice-cream is their favorite food.

From the day they arrived in our lives they have known that they are adopted, we talk about their tummy mommy, as yet, they have no understanding of what it all means. What amazes me is that everyone says how lucky they are, when in fact, they have it all wrong, it is really about how lucky we are to have found them. They enrich our lives every day, because I know deep down that every child deserves to remain within their own family and within their own culture. I would like to think we are an incredible second best, the bottom line is, there was no other choice for them, unless you consider an orphanage in Africa the better option.

Answer 9

I think your situation is different from most in that the parent has medical issues and not personal issues preventing them from keeping their child and the fact that you allow the parent to be involved in the child's life still. You both seem to have a general "understanding" with one another and i think that is what makes the difference. you are not judging her, she is not judging you, and you both want what is best for the child and agree to what that is.

Answer 10

I am proabably one of the posters you are talking about, and no I don't always think adoption is a bad thing, sadly sometimes children can not be raised within the family they are born to.

I would hope that you keep his real birth certificate before it is ammended, that you would not change his name, and love him for who he is, your adopted child, and not try to make him a replacement for a bio child that could have been.

Adoptees do have addtional issues, that real kids don't face. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding adoption, like the comment, "adoption is always good" wtf?

How ridiculously naive.

Adoptees are sometimes abused, adoptees are actually abused at a higher rate per capita than their non-adopted peers, of course it is not always good, I do believe adoption is always hard on a child, for whatever reason to be separated from their natural family but I think sometimes it is in the child's benefit.

It is very situational.

Hopefully all adoptive parents are empathetic and loving and up to the task, unfortunately not all, but certainly it is possible to be.

Florida Girl, you are suffering from paranoia. Not good.