My brother's wedding and mother's guest list...?

Question

Here's an interesting dilemma. My brother is getting married and he is the first one out of all of us (3 kids). My mom is very social and gave him a 60 person guest-list of people she wants invited- everyone who lives on our country block, associates from work, distant relatives etc. She offered to pay extra but they don't want the money.

My brother and his fiancee want their wedding to be small and intimate and not "Hi I'm Geoff- this is my wedding- who are you?"... Is this unreasonable? If they only have 100 other guests between her family and friends and my family and my brother's friends- how many extra guests is my mom reasonable to ask for?

Any opinions would be appreciated- I think my mom feels she was invited to these people's wedding and their children's weddings- so she HAS to invite them to my brother's wedding.

I think he has no problem with their friends who we grew up with (have known my brother since he was a baby) but doesn't want neighbours he has only met like twice in his life, or 3rd cousins he sees once every 5 years. I am hoping he stands up for himself so when I get married down the road she won't try the same thing.

Answer 1

You brother is not unreasonable to only want people at his wedding he knows and is close to. Having people you barely know does not make sense and is a waste of money. It is fine to want a small wedding guest list. He should tell your mother that she can invite 10 -20 people and only people that they know - not like neighbours who they aren't friendly with. If your mother is getting this option and not paying for them, then your brother gets the final say on guests (as he should anyway) and the other parents should get to invite some people too. Your brother should gently remind your mother that it is still his and his fiance's wedding, not her's, so she can't just go inviting every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Answer 2

It is very common for parents to feel as if they have to invite everyone they know to their child's wedding. However, they don't! Most people understand that not all weddings are created equal. i.e.they all have different budgets, location sizes, etc. so they won't even think twice if they don't get an invite. The few rude ones who do ask her about it should get an answer from her like this, "Well, I think they are still working on the guest list, but I know they wanted something small and intimate.". That is all she has to say.

If your brother truly wants to cut mom's list, he just needs to talk to her about it in a calm way & explain their feelings. He also may want to mention my advice above to her.

Answer 3

I think your mother has every right to answer and make suggestions along with any offers of help.

However, this is your brother's and his fiancee's day. Their opinions should be respected above all else. This is (hopefully) the last time they do this, it should be special to THEM.

Your brother and his fiancee should feel able to say "no" without feeling guilty. The guest list should be written up by your brother and his fiancee only.

How many is your mother reasonable to ask for? She can ASK for as many as she likes, but she has no right to insist on any.

I got married last year. I have a large family and a large social network. It was important to my wife and I that everybody we wanted to share the day was there - in our case that meant a lot of people were invited. That's what we wanted and I wouldn't change any of it.

However, one downside of that was that we couldn't spend any real quality time with any of the guests (let alone each other) on the day.

If your brother has (say) 60 extra guests there, he has to play host to people he and his wife barely know at the expense of the people they feel closest to. This is something that perhaps your mother has not realised.

The families of both my wife and I were very supportive leading up to the day. It was our day, our decision - they realised that and their help was very much appreciated. The help (lack of interference is one way of helping) we received is one of the MANY reasons our wedding was so special (although the main one was that my wife was there!).

As special as it is - planning a wedding is stressful enough - your brother and his fiancee should be given support however they choose to celebrate.

Your brother should thank your mother - I suspect she means well, but explain that any decisions are to be made by him and his wife.

Congratulations to your brother BTW. Whatever happens in the lead-up, the day WILL be special.

Answer 4

I think a reasonable solution is to divide the guest list into thirds. For example, with a venue that can hold 150 people:
50 guests for the bride's parents
50 guests for the groom's parents
50 guests for bride and groom.
This is the way it should be if all parties are contributing something to the wedding expenses.

If bride and groom are paying for the wedding themselves, then the majority of the guest list should be theirs. In that case, parents should keep their own guests to the minimum. They may ask that someone (that third cousin, maybe?) be included, but should not be hurt if bride and groom say no. If bride and groom are paying, then the final guest list decisions should be left to bride and groom.

Your mom needs to realize that her social obligations can be repaid in other ways. She can host a summer picnic or BBQ for her friends. Have friends to dinner at any time. Host a New Year's Eve party.

She does not have to invite everyone she knows to your brother's wedding. The vast majority of those invited to a wedding should be well known to the bride and the groom.

Answer 5

ha sounds like your mom is just excited...it is customary for parents to want to invite their friends, co-workers, and extended family but it is your brothers wedding, and ultimately, he should be able to make some decision here. I think compromise is the best way to go here...I know my boyfriend and i want a smaller intimate wedding so i can relate. But to be fair, moms get excited over the fact that their children are getting married...they probably dream about it (like girls do) on what it will be like. I think maybe your brother and mom need to talk and compromise - maybe see HOW MANY extra your mom is wanting, then split that in half and have her choose...its not easy I know, but when it comes to parents, who raise you and all that jazz, its kinda hard to say no, regardless of how you feel. And whats the big deal if she's willing to help pay for some of those expenses! Just tell your bro he'll receive more gifts, lol.

Answer 6

First, you need to tell your son needs to tell your mom that they desire to keep it small and are going to do that. It is their wedding afterall. One of my clients had the same dilemma so what she did was allow her parents and his parents to invite their best friends to the wedding and their boss if they had one. That way they had their business end covered and their friends invited. And the couple got to have the small wedding that they wanted.

So, I would say your brother needs to talk to your mom and tell her that they are going to have a small wedding (especially since they are paying for it and they are the ones getting married). If your mom feels like she must reciprocate the favor of inviting them to a wedding. She can throw a garden party, a block party, a dinner party, and invite all of her friends to it on a later date. It is not up to the parents to decide who gets invited to the wedding. But they should be included in the decision making process. There is no way to capture that small wedding feel when you have invited a lot of people that you do not know.

Answer 7

All your mom has to do is tell these people that her son has decided to have a small wedding. In fact, she can say that she didn't have a say in who was invited, which sounds like the case. I think that your mom should give him a list of 20 or so people from her original 60 and tell him that she would like if they could be invited if he is able. If they are people he knows then he will probably say yes, if they aren't then they shouldn't really be at his wedding.

Answer 8

Your brother is in no way obligated to invite all of these people. The guests at his wedding should be the people he wants there, and a few close friends of his parents. He should tell his mom that it isn't just about the money, it is also about the vibe of the wedding - which as you described, he wants it to be with close family/friends, not strangers. Your mom should understand and when she talks to these people she can just tell them that her son is having a small wedding that is family only...that way, there will be no hurt feelings. I hope all goes well!

Answer 9

I had the same thing happen when I first talked of Marriage.
My mother in law wanted the world at our Wedding and what started out as a small family affair soon escalated into a huge church wedding.
I got so freaked out I called it off.
Then again, we decided to marry, i booked the Wedding so it would only hold 40 people, close family and friends only.
Then we had a big reception in the evening and told both sets of parents they could invite who they liked.
It worked out really well.
We had the small wedding we wanted and the parents got to show off in the evening lol...and it was a wonderful day.

I was a good compromise...

Answer 10

Is it your mother getting married? No. Your brother and his fiance get the final say as to who comes to THEIR wedding, as they are paying for it. I understand where your mother is coming from (she was invited to her friend's children's weddings and feels she needs to extend an invite to them also), but she cannot force her son to invite these people. Once everyone on your brother and his fiance's list has been invited and if (and only IF) they have extra spots open, then your mother can recommend some people from her list. But she had no right to demand that these people get invited, especially if her list is over HALF of the limit your brother and his fiance decided on.