My husband wants to visit his eldest daughter this holiday, he says that I am invited to go as well but I am?

Question

not sure I should go. Reason? Well this girl sent me an email some months ago, telling me not to email her anything and that she HATES me. I have never done anything to her to make her feel this way either. She has sisters and I treat her sisters the same way I have treated her, and her sisters BOTH like me- so I cannot understand why she would hate me.
I cannot stand the idea of staying at her house for 3 days and having to make "nice nice" with her when I know she hates me for no reason. The hubby knows about this email and has refused to talk with her about respecting me as I am his wife, matter of fact he has never stuck up for me against any family member that disrespects me and this happens alot with his family. (mind you again, I am very respectful of everyone and always put someone elses needs before my own, as I was raised to do this and I have consideration for others too)
Should I tell him I dont want to go? and HOW can I tell him?

Answer 1

Hi. I can see you are hurt because of this situation, and anyone would be upset if they got an email that said "i hate you".

Hon, first of all, you need to stop putting everyone else's needs before yours. That might be the way you were raised, but it is in itself, dysfunctional when overdone. YOU should be number one in your life. You can't solve the problems of others, or "save" them all of the time. Sometimes we have to say "no"... and let other adults solve their own problems. Trying to fix things for another adult, when he is fully capable of doing it himself, is also a little codependent.

Now, back to the step daughter. sometimes children of divorce are deeply affected, long after the divorce is done and overwith... many times a child (even a young adult child) feels abandoned by their parent and as if the new spouse/partner is trying to take their father away.. or has taken them away.

While i know this is untrue, and that you are a genuinely caring person, this particular step daughter looks upon you as the enemy for some reason.

Your husband doesn't need to talk with her about respecting you.. this matter is between you and the step daughter. I think the best thing you can do is to say just a couple of small things to her if you happen to have time alone together (or even email them to her).

You can let her know that you are trying to understand the heartbreak she experience through her parents' divorce. And you can let her know that even though you are not her mom or dad, you are willing to listen anytime she needs someone to lean on.

Leave it at that.. She can accept it or reject it. I'm sure she will roll it around in her head for a while.. but perhaps reassuring her will bring her around eventually.

You do not have to go to visit the stepdaughter or place yourself into any situatin which you find uncomfortable... it's about self-preservation. Take care of YOU.

Answer 2

Woah. This is a way bigger issue than just this trip. It sounds like she's an adult, this daughter. If I were in your shoes, I would make it clear he has to tell her that if she can't treat his wife nicer, then he won't come to visit her either. And unfortunately, you haven't stopped this behavior before. Maybe you're afraid to have to put your foot down, fearing he will choose his kids over you. But really, why would you want to stay married to a man that can't put you first any way?

Now, if you're not willing to get the respect from him that you deserve, then what's the next best thing? I definitely wouldn't go on this trip. And in fact, you should plan some amazing holiday trip yourself. Don't let him ruin your holiday. Do you have a friend or family member that lives somewhere you've been wanting to go but haven't let yourself splurge and spend the money? And if you husband tells you you can't, then just say, "Well, I would spend the holidays with you, but you have chosen not to stand up to your daughter. So really, you've chosen this, not me. I would much rather spend the holidays with you." And then go on your trip, and enjoy yourself. Don't do it out of resentment. Do it so he can choose what he wants, and knowing it's not in your best interest, you're choosing what's best for you too.

That's how I'd handle it. I'm sure it will cause for some arguments, but sweetie, stand up for yourself. You deserve it.

Answer 3

I know that step-parent relations are quite the hotbed of emotions. Depending on if your husband's first wife is still around or not, it could be a VERY hot issue for this young woman.

Next time he asks if you're going, remind him that she doesn't like you and you're not comfortable forcing her to be around you.

Remind him about the email, where she was pretty darn clear that she wants nothing to do with you. Ask him again if he's talked to her about it, verify whether she REALLY wants you in her home or not.

Ask for his support- his daughters aren't required to love you, but their respect is appropriate. There is a difference....

One thought- I know she asked you to not email her... but maybe you could send one last one- ask for an explanation.... Tell her that you've tried to be kind, respectful, etc to her and her sisters and that you don't understand why she is unable to accept you as part of the family. Maybe there's something there that you're unaware of... whether you can fix it or not, just knowing often helps build understanding.

*****
Dear Sue-
I know you asked that I not email you, and that you don't really want to have anything to do with me, but I am concerned. I've tried my best to be kind and respectful to you and your sisters. I was raised to put others' needs before my own, and I've done that with you and your family.... But no matter what I've done, you've had hard feelings against me. I don't understand. Would you explain to me why? I'm not trying to be nosey, just trying to understand.
Step-mom...

Answer 4

I ended a relationship with a man with 3 grown daughters who all acted like that regardless of how I was with them.
He always stuck up for them and I finally had enough and stood my ground and demanded my own respect.
Self-respect is more important than any respect you get elsewhere - remember that.
Personally, if he were so in tuned to your feelings and knowing the fact she sent this email - he wouldn't be going to that particular daughter's either, nor asking you to go.
Ask him to spend the holiday time at home with you instead and should she wish to join in with the festivities fine - if not, it's her loss, certainly not yours... But never allow yourself to be disrespected.

Answer 5

Simply tell him that for the sake of allowing him some private time with his daughter, you would rather not go. Be sure you have backup plans for yourself, such as visiting your own family so that he will not feel as if you will be sitting home alone. There really is no need to cause any drama during the holiday, I think you're making a good decision for all involved.

Answer 6

Oh wow I have been in a sorta similar situation. Ive been with the girls since they where young also but things are OK today . I would not go. Holidays r 2 b fun and if your not wanted how fun is that. Your husband sorry but is a jerk. Your kids r your kids u did not choose them u had them he chose u he wanted u He should not let anyone degrade u dis u He should stand up 4 u. Since he is not doing his job u should not put yourself in a position to feel unwelcome any where.

Answer 7

Just let him know you think it is best for him if he has some quality time with his daughter. She clearly feels threatened by you and I think maybe if he is able to spend some real time with her he can make her feel better about their relationship There is no excuse for her behavior or his inability to stick up for you...but I think you would just get more hurt and probably put into an abusive situation if you went with him. I mean if he isn't going to stop her from being rude and mean to you, who will?
I think the best policy is honesty and just let him know at this time you do not feel comfortable to spend that much time with her because she has made her feelings known. Hopefully over time she will grow up and realize that you can be a positive part in her life as well. Maybe some day he will grow a backbone and stand up for his wife? I just think you need to let him know over and over again that you will not stand for being disrespected. One day it will hopefully just click in his brain.

Answer 8

personally I'm a a-ho-Le .so I'd go just to make her uncomfortable.because if she sent you a e-mail saying she hated you ,she's gutless.it's easier to type something then to say it.if you don't go she bought you out of her life for the price of a e-mail.go for your husband . who says you have to be nice to her,sure everyone Say's be the better person.bah to that ,you only have to be a better person in front of your husband.,but you can be uncaring as well. remember how she feels about you should have nothing to do with how you treat her.imagine as she never told you but kept it to herself and her sisters .all i am saying is give sarcasm and criticism a chance.it can't make her hate you anymore,but it can make her feel uncomfortable in her own home and that is priceless.just pick and choose your spots like when it's just you and her.snide comments about her appearance how she lives,can make a sane person paranoid.now do you want to miss out on all that fun.if she Say's something to your husband be all like i don't what you are talking about I've been walking on eggshells around her ,i feel like she hates me i just want it to be better.

Answer 9

we've an identical subject, and that i think of you're actual to comprehend his desires. it rather is unhappy, yet some human beings purely have crap for family participants, and the concentration could be on your stepdaughter, no longer the drama/injury emotions his family participants ought to create. We did no longer invite my DHs mom or my stepsons very own mom for those same motives (my DH did no longer choose his mom and my son did no longer choose his organic and organic mom). they are the two purely grotesque, mean, snotty human beings, and all people had a miles better time and became able to concentration on the genuine enormous call of the day without them there.

Answer 10

Tell him what you told us. If I were you, I wouldn't go. I have two grown stepdaughters and while I want my hubby to put his kids first when need be, I also expect to be respected as his wife. He has stood up for me when he needs to (but luckily we haven't had any big dramas). If one of them had told me she hated me, I would certainly not go to her house for 3 days. You'll be completely miserable OR it will turn into a big mess.

Tell your hubby how you feel!

Good luck! :)