Was I wrong to ask this?

Question

My ex and I split accrimoniously, after months of him treating me badly but insisting his behaviour was normal and I was the one with the problem (shouting, swearing, pushing, humiliating, controlling, intimidating, telling me I was f*cked up in the head, pathetic etc).

I asked him back a couple of times, in low points... For which I am really annoyed at myself for. He emotionally abused me for months on end, and it's only taken me a while to get over him.

I have to, regrettably, remain in contact with him as we have many mutual friends and there are a couple of birthday's coming up with parties and then going back to his house afterwards.

I e-mailed him to say I would like to be there, but would only come to the bar bits, not back to his house. He said I had to get over him, and that he wants to be friends.

I sent him a very detailed e-mail listing all the things he had done to me in our relationship that had hurt me and said that if he apologised for them, then I would

consider it, but if he didn't then I would like him to just stay away from me in group situations (the last couple of times, he followed me around telling me how much he'd missed me, messed with my head etc).

I don't think this was an unfair request, but now I am worried with his volatile temper that he could explode and go off his head at me, making things even more difficult for me when we are out with our friends.

All of my friends think he treated me appallingly, and some mutual friends are of the same opinion but no-one (rightfully) wants to get involved.

I still am hurt by what he did to me, he destroyed my self-esteem and bullied me and made me feel like crap.

Was I wrong to have asked for the apology or should I just have said "sure, lets be mates"?

I felt it yet another compromise if I acted like nothing had happened, but am worried that I've just added fire to the pot.

Do you think I was wrong to send the e-mail? Thanks

Answer 1

Stop being friends with him. Stop emailing him. Why do you need to stay in touch? Do you have a child?
If no, stop.

Answer 2

you done the right thing, 'men' like him need to be told. if you just accepted what happened and let him get away with it, he will know he can click his fingers and youll come running so its good youve put your foot down. he has to face up hes done wrong and then learn from it. people like this run from their problems too much and blame it on others, but until he realises what he done to you he will carry on and may hurt someone worse in the future. if he doesnt apologise then accept hes not man enough and completely blank him, he is the one who will have to live with the regret for the rest of his life. but in a way it might be better that he doesnt because a sorry cant change the past and how horrible he was. if you became friends how would he treat you then? maybe still the same except more sneakily. do you really want to keep someone like that in your life? you deserve so much and i hope things work out for you.

Answer 3

Don't even think you're wrong for a second. You deserve an answer at the very least. You're looking for an explanation and I'm sorry to say I don't think you'll be satisfied with anything this guy could possibly have to say. His reasoning cannot possibly be acceptable. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect and if your circle of friends noticed it, it was beyond acceptable. You don't need an answer from him. the answer is, he's beneath you and has insecurity problems. He was trying to bring you down to feel better about himself. Do you think he would be man enough to say that? I don't think so. Just know that you are an amazing person and much better so without him. You tried when he didn't deserve to have you there.

Answer 4

You never mentioned children. Without children there is nother keeping you attached to this person. He was a horrible person if what you say is true. I wouldnt give a darn about any apology and i certainly wouldnt set foot in the house again regardless of friends or not. i wouldnt even associate with him in any way. Move on and get over it as quickly and with as little pain as is humanly possible. It will take about a month for every year of the relationship. During that time stay away from him in any setting. Afterr that time you will be better able to handle whatever comes your way emotionally. Be prepared for him to try and sabotage your plan however because it seems to me like this person needs to keep you in the picture for his own sick demented reasons.

Answer 5

What difference is it going to make if he apologizes or not? I had the same thing happen with my ex, i.e. he was very emotionally abusive, blamed all the problems on me, etc. He would apologize, and still act the same way. It doesn't matter whether he apologizes or not.

He's right, you just need to get over him. My ex and I still have mutual friends, and I go to the parties to see them, not him. I just act like he's not there. I don't ignore him, and I'm not mean to him, but I don't let him ruin my night or plans. There are wayyy better guys than your ex, and its not hard to find them!

Answer 6

yes u were wrong to look for an apology u should have the cop on that a fella like this that has no consideration for himself let alone u how could he actually apologise for something he thinks was right or something hi "didn't mean".
I'm with a fella and he can do this too but I've nipped it in the bud.

i often said I'd rather be beat black and blue than to have mental abuse its the truth - bruises fade away but memories are forever. and I'm the type of person that remembers everything as they hurt my feelings.
tell this f*cker to leave u alone...........
you've had enough.

in fact your too quite every time he'd say something hurtful to you you should of given him a redner and told him that that's what u feel every time he messes with your head

Answer 7

A lot of women secretly enjoy being treated like you are,at least thats the only explanation for your conduct in this matter.You should be ashamed of yourself,not only for putting up with this abuse,but for thinking any sensible friend is going to have any sympathy,when they see a friend letting the side down.Dump the bum totally,he is a waste of space,and closely related to Richard Head.Do not E mail or have any contact with him.He is as useful as a bowl of toenails.

Answer 8

The longer you continue to allow him to win(controlling what you do, or influencing you in any way) then you continue to stay mired in llimbo. In order to get over him completely, you need to set boundaries for yourself, AND STICK TO THEM!!!Steer clear of him whenever possible even if that means skipping social events with mutual friends. Your true friends will understand if they support your decision. His appologies seem to be empty promises to allow his continued affect on your life. Kick him to the curb, and don't worry about the "frienship thing" for now. You need to survive and move on!!!

Answer 9

I don't think you should have requested an apology but I don't think you should just be pals either. Your best strategy with this guy is to just not get entangled with him at all. No matter what you say or do, he is going to twist it around somehow.

Go to the parties for the sake of your friends who are hosting them, then go home - not back to his place.

And don't communicate with him any more than absolutely necessary.

Answer 10

Stop being friends with him. He is not worthy of you. Find some one who will treat you with respect. Avoid him every way possible even if it means finding new friends to hang out with or at least not going any places you know he is going to be . With him out of sight and out of mind you will be a happier person. You deserve happiness. Even if you get a apology from him do you really expect it to be a sincere apology. He will continue to mean to you if you allow him to be part of your life. That's who he is ( a jerk) and he is not going to change.

Answer 11

Just STAY AWAY! make new friends. Why on earth would you want to be mates with someone who treats you that badly regardless of whether or not he says sorry. It is absolute madness to put yourself through this, and no you do not have to remain in touch with him, you are choosing to.