why is mother-in-law jealous?

Question

Just had a baby and MIL has shown her true colors. Thankfully she is 8 hours away, and is jealous of my mom who's nearby. Last time MIL visited, she was rude and selfish to me and my mom, and told my mom my nursing plans weren't going to last long (doing well thank you, planning for at least 1 yr - she failed herself), was trying to run my household (not happening again), and still expects for y husband to fill her in all the details of everyday with our baby which seems so fake (did you go on a stroll today? what about with other moms? still nursing? starting solids at 3 mos?! how much is he weighing? She peppers him with so many Qs about me and baby! She didn't even say goodbye to the baby last time b/c she run out annoyed. She seems to have also brainwashed my brother-in-law who used to be so nice, and was very different last time he visited. They plan to visit in a week and it's stressful thinking about it. I don't get it. Why can't she act normal? What would you do?

Oh, yeah, and since we noticed the unhappiness on her part last time, I let her spend all day with the baby, holding him, changing his diapers, even got her a bottle to feed him, etc. and seemed content. Before they left, she took pictures of the family and baby, and left me out of the pics, that's when I finally said it was rude of her. She got upset I spoke up. She didn't speak to her son for a few weeks.

Answer 1

It happened to my sister. I think the key to your problems is in the hands of your husband, if he has a strong mind and a logical person who willing to do anything to protect his "own family" from outside influences which every man should do then just express your frustrations to him things would get better.
But if he's as weak as your brother in law, narrow minded, believes everything your mother in law has said to him, incapable of using his own judgments, and find out the facts for himself then you are on your own.

If that is the case, plan what you are going to say or do to protect your integrity, your feeling, your pride as a responsible mother in your own home when your in laws show up and engaging in attack mode.
Let your husband know that if your in laws disrespect you in anyway you will say and/or do to protect yourself, talk to him in a sense that your are in control, not asking him for his opinions nor permission, but do ask him to stay "neutral".

Answer 2

She is probably feeling left out of the loop with her being so far away and will feel a bit jealous of the fact that your mum is there and not her. The best thing you could do is email or write once a week with a new pic of the baby and any info like weight, eating etc, then she can't ask because she will already know. She will feel more involved and may back down.
Don't get stressed about her visiting, just carry on as you would normally but when she is there ask if she could maybe change nappy, feed etc and take piccies of her with the baby.
She'll be all smiles hopefully

Answer 3

She is jealous for the same reason you are jealous. It is absolutely normal and natural. She loves her son with all her heart, as you love your husband with all your heart. You are in the driver's seat. You are now the most important woman in his life. This is difficult for her as it will be difficult for you when the time comes.

The best thing you can do right now, with the arrival of the new baby, is to let both your mother-in-law and your mother too know, and these exact words can be used...

"We will always listen and consider what you say. Always. We will not promise to always do what you say because we must always make decisions that we feel is best for our family and circumstance, but we will always listen."

The "we" in the above is important, very important. Especially with the baby, it must be we (you and your husband), not "I". "I" will not work as well.

As far as in-law interconflict, again, the "we" is important, but a good solution that historically works well (have a lot of experience in family counseling) is to send a letter, e-mail, etc. to BOTH mothers, making it absolutely clear that both are receiving the exact same thing (Start with Dear Mom 1 and Mom 2). In that letter just indicate that the conflict you see between them is making you sad. Just ask if there is any way they could possibly get along as it would make US happy and provide the best environment for their grandchild." No specifics, no you did this, they did that. Just a basic "we are sad with this conflict". Amazingly, it often does improve things quickly.

Finally, also understand times change, knowledge changes. Given that you are just having a child, it is highly likely that when you were born it was believed that bottle feeding was best for the child. Or that it didn't matter one way or the other. Today it is believed that breast feeding is best which is why you are doing it. Sometimes things are presented in such a way (not intentional by any means) that "implies" that the way someone else did things were wrong. "I'm being the best mother because I am going to breastfeed my baby." can also be taken by a grandmother as "what you did was wrong or not the best". Just understand that. Who knows, in 25 years it may be discovered that breastfeeding has problems but feeding a baby Yak milk for the first three months is the best. If that happens, it doesn't in any way change that what you are doing now isn't the best thing to do based on current knowledge. But you will probably feel 25 years from now when you this is said by your future son or daughter-in-law, that it means what you are doing today is wrong or not the best. Hang in there. And it is difficult. And follow the advice above. Always listen and consider, but don't promise to "do". Do what you feel is best for your family and circumstance. If the in-laws, or your mother herself, know this, things will be a lot easier.

Answer 4

I guess the only thing to do is to sit her down and explain what is bothering you. Tell her that she is welcome to ask you all those questions and let her know that she is a big and important part of the family. I can understand that she is jelous of your mom since she can't be around too much, but maybe you can send her e-mail at the end of the day with a little summary and maybe a picture to let her know that she is included and being a part of the family despite the distance. I know that might sound like a lot of work but that way she won't have any grounds to be not nice to you (and you have proof that you tried to accomodate her). If that won't help that means that she is just not ok with you and you will have really talk to her what is the issue so you can all go on happy for the sake of you and your baby

Answer 5

In my experience, the daughter in law feels as though she is in competition with her mother in law. My fiance's mom does some crazy things. She calls 10 to 20 times a day, makes surprise visits several times a week, and then likes to snoop through my belongings. If you look at one of my last questions you'll see what I mean. It makes me feel as though she's trying to control my fiance's and mine relationship. When we are all together she talks to both of us but as soon as I try to say something to my fiance or ask him a question that is related to the topic of conversation, she talks right over me. I love her dearly, but it makes me uncomfortable. I think she feels that I am taking her only son away from her This is why I can be jealous of my mother in law. Daughter in Laws can sometimes feel as though the mother is trying to win her son over to her. Whether that is the case or not. This is not always the situation but I know it can be in some. While I love my mother in law I do find myself getting jealous that I can't just spend a nice dinner out with him without receiving 2 calls from Mom.

Answer 6

She is jealous because some slip of a girl has taken her son away from her. (That's you). When she comes and tries to take over, that's her trying to show her son how much better than you she is. If you disagree with her she gets upset because you question her knoll edge. She doesn't like your Mum because she is able to see the baby on a regular basis. Maybe your husband should take your B-in-law aside and tell him to take no notice of your M-in-law as you are both very happy with the way things are.
As for what I would do about your M-i-law. Every time she told me I was doing something wrong, I would do it again in front of her as soon as possible. If she said something again just say. "This is my way of doing it. If you don't like it, who cares" If she is rude to you, well you be rude to her. It's your house, your husband, your baby and your life.

Answer 7

It sounds likeshe feels she is not going to be able to share in her grandchilds life because she is not close by like your mom. She is jealous and sounds overbearing. Maybe she feels her imput is push aside or not taken to heart. Let her know she is going to be involved with her grandchildren and try to give her some alone time with the family next time she visits, (have your mom stay away while she is there) this way she doesn't feel like she is competing against the other grandmother.

Answer 8

You need to"forget" she is coming for a visit, pack yourself and the babe up and go visit friends or your mom for a few. Seriously. She needs to stop thinking she can pull strings. Maybe change the locks, turn out the lights and pretend no-one is home. She will not act normal until you put your foot down hard ( maybe on her throat). kidding. good-luck.

Answer 9

You have to tell your husband the problem and tell him if he doesn't confront her then you will.

also a tip, before she even asks. Tell her the baby's fine, then say gotcha before you did huh and laugh it off then walk away. Don't feed into it. If she starts asking questions, don't answer act like you're doing something, then walk away, she'll get the hint. Unfortunately you're going to have to play hard ball with this one cause she seems like she likes to invade your space and she's controlling.

Answer 10

I would tell her that the baby is not hers so she should lay off. If you want help, you should ask for it, and not get it forced at you by your MIL. Tell her this, and just hope that she will then stop trying to get involved when not wanted.