my husband told me that he sometimes gets a ride from a girl in the navy to go to the mall. he says he just uses her for the rides and says it's awkward in the car. he once went to the store with her at 12 am because she didn't want to go alone. is this appropriate for a married man? am i blowing this way out of proportion?
2007-09-25 20:33:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Politics & Government ➔ Military
i m sorry but it sounds like cheating. Even if all these are innocent, they will come close eventually... When a man and a woman start rides, shopping and walks at 12 am...well! He tries to be ok with you in case someone sees them and tells you. Then he will say that you knew and nothing bad is going on.
Maybe Silly World is right, that he wants to make you jealous, and that is why he told you. Anyway it is not nice of him.
2007-09-25 20:45:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
First, why does he need to go to the mall with another woman? Why can't he go with you? I can understand if he was riding with her to work and home, but nothing else. Going at 12 am? No way.
I would let him know that this does not feel right to you. There are plenty of other sailors that the girl could get to go with her.
My daughter was in the Navy and knew a guy for 4 years and then became engaged to him. He would never set a date, come to find out he was married. His wife called her and together they confronted him. He is no longer married.
Find out what is going on.
2007-09-26 09:03:00 · answer #2 · answered by Diane 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow...i have to agree with everyone else's answers...
that's just crazy..honestly i don't think this appropriate for a married man...
can he get a ride from someone else? or catch a bus..hell even a cab if he's feeling uncomfortable why keep riding with her..i'm going to assume that he's somewhere else and not anywhere near you since i'm pretty sure if some woman was calling your husband at or around midnight you might be a little ticked off..and if your like most wives he wouldn't of gone anywhere at midnight with her...
now i'm going to defend him...since i don't know the man...if he's never given you any doubts about being faithful to you...trust him but also tell him how you feel about the whole situation...maybe he feels like he has to be a "friend" to this woman because she's giving him rides places and now feels like he's on the spot every time she calls because he's used her for rides.
trust your instincts and speak to him calmly...if he's telling you about this then i don't think anything is happened..but you need to let him know your fears and thoughts before something does happen..not saying it will but from the sounds of it this woman is the aggressor and you husband might just be her new victim...
2007-09-26 07:27:28 · answer #3 · answered by ♥ Infantry Wife ♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether it's appropriate or not has more to do with what kind of guy your husband is and how strong your marriage is.
I'd have no problem with my husband doing that. But we'd both see it as him being a friend to another human being. We've both had friends we've helped like that and we've both had friends who helped *us* like that. For us it wouldn't be out of the ordinary.
However, we do keep the lines of communication very open in our relationship. We both know that the chances for either of us to cheat are out there and that there are more of them for military families who endure separations often. We talk to each other about this at random times in our marriage and not just when problems look possible. Like if he was home now we'd be discussing the issues your question brings up even though it doesn't affect us. And we discussed trust issues before he took the chance to see his "girlfriends" (and their husbands) while he was at a port call in Europe. Since we both know how the other thinks and feels about cheating and friendship we both have an amazing amount of trust in the other person.
2007-09-26 11:16:59 · answer #4 · answered by Critter 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Getting a ride from someone to go the mall is ok... but if something is causing it to be awkward, he needs to use the bus or some other alternative. I presume the store at 12 am was most likely a convenience store as malls close long before 12 am?
Perhaps this girl has started seeing him as a potential boyfriend & he's getting nervous or worried that you might see him? Perhaps he's asking you for help to get him out of an awkward situation?
Tell him to only ride along with her if others are riding too, most cars will hold 4 people or more, & if she's only got a 2 seater, then don't ride with her! Also, tell him to stay out of her car at 12 am & to tell her to find go find a gal friend to go shopping with, & for him to get another ride.
And hon, if he's stationed someplace where he can go to the mall, & it's not for training school, why aren't you with him where you & he are using YOUR car when he wants to go to the mall? My husband was military, & unless he was on a remote assignment (&/or sea tour for navy), temporary duty, or at a training school for less than 6 months, I was there in some little rental & supporting him & most definately keeping him out of temptations way!
Bugs me to see military wives who stay at home with mom & dad or refuse to move to hubby's new base or posting for whatever personal reason (He/She is in the military, they move a lot, get that in your head & be part of their life, it's part of being MARRIED to a military spouse!). Civilian spouses move together when new jobs come up in new locations (admittedly that's much less often than military, but military get moving assistance!), there's no reason for military families to live apart unless the assignment is specifically to a location that doesn't support families (temp duty stations, combat zones, on board ship, short tours such as for training).
No wonder the military divorce rate is so high when a spouse refuses to go with the military moves & thus creates family seperations!
2007-09-26 04:55:21 · answer #5 · answered by stephanie m 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I can't answer for you because it's your marriage. I'd consider it to be inappropriate. My first obligation is to my wife in removing any reason for her to worry, real or not. If she were unduly suspicious of everything, then that's another story and I'd have to reconsider being married to her, but until then, I'd still owe her unconditional trustworthiness.
The fact that she's afraid to go to the mall alone at 12am is her problem. What valid reason could she have for going to the mall at 12am? What malls are open at 12am?
I'm not saying that it's evidence of anything. Just very peculiar and peculiarity has no place in a marriage without full agreement of both partners.
On the other hand, my wife does have several male friends that she works with and I have the utmost faith in her, born out over many years.
In other words, it's not so much of what he's doing, but how it worries you and him not dealing with it to alleviate your worries.
2007-09-26 03:48:02 · answer #6 · answered by Marc X 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
lots of different reasons. teamwork is stressed, he could just trying to be a Good Shipmate, looking out for a fellow Sailor. I sure as heck wouldn't want to go to the store at Midnight, especially if I were female(oh, wait, I am!) and lived in a crappy part of town.
Are they in A school? all sorts of restrictions, including needing Liberty Buddies, meaning they can't go anywhere alone. Are there no other females at the command she can hang out with?
I'll be honest, my husband was one of the guys that hung out with the girls at his A and C school. he has the word "harmless" tattooed on his forhead.. everybody considered him a big brother, and I trusted him implicitly to behave and not screw around on our relationship.
To a lesser extent he has/had female friends in the Wardroom now that he is an Officer, and again, I trust him and them to behave appropriately.
HOWEVER. if it makes YOU uncomfortable, for any reason, as a loving husband who is solicitous of your feelings, if you ask him to stop, he should.
2007-09-26 08:55:26 · answer #7 · answered by Mrsjvb 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure most guys who answer this question are going to tell you that you're overreacting and jealous. And most women are going to tell you that they think he is cheating on you. Men and women are hardwired differently. What men see as "just going to the mall or the store at 12AM", women see as being appropriate. I can tell you that I'd have a problem with it as well. I had posted a question a few months ago about whether people though it was appropriate for my husband to be giving his cell phone number out to random women he was going to MOSQ school with and getting a phone bill with 100's of text messages on it from the two of them sending messages back and forth. I had a MAJOR problem with it, even though he swore up and down that there was nothing going on.
Anyway, my argument for that was if its causing dischord and mistrust in your marriage then he needs to stop it. Is she the only one of the whole damn base with a vehicle? I think not. And as for him accompanying her to the store at 12AM...where are her girlfriends? Or why not ask some other guy to go? An *why* is it awkward in the car? He may be sending her the wrong signal by doing this and its up to him to set the record straight with her or better yet, to simply stop accepting rides with this girl and find someone else to bum rides off of. In my opinion, it *is* inappropriate and he should respect you enough to end it if its causing stress in the relationship, especially since the relationship is probably already stressed if he is away and you are at home. I'm sure he wouldn't take to kindly to you doing the same thing with some "dude" at home while he is away.
***EDIT*** I do not agree with the person who posted a few answers up from me who mentions about the high divorce rate of military marriages because the spouse "refuses" to move with enlisted person. I think that's horse manure. I think most families DO move with their spouse when its possible. The problem is when the spouse is away at training or schooling or they are on a deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan or Kosovo. AND - being separated is NO excuse to engage in otherwise questionable or suspicious behavior when you are married. Just because you are away at MOSQ school or away for your Annual Training for 3 weeks and your spouse cannot bring the kids and the dog and be with you during that time, doesn't make it OK to snuggle up to someone new. Many people will use the separation as as excuse to cheat and its a poor excuse. People cheat because they are weak and selfish and they give into temptation. The person who answered this question makes it sound as though YOU are to blame for HIS behavior and my Dear...the only one to blame for HIS behavior, is HIM. And just because you aren't there or because you cannot be there, doesn't get him or any one off the hook.***
2007-09-26 09:52:13 · answer #8 · answered by ♥♥Mrs SSG B♥♥ 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If it's awkward in the car why does he continue to accept rides from her? This girl needs to find a new friend to go shopping with and your husband needs to be the one to explain to her that he is uncomfortable with her.
2007-09-26 03:37:59 · answer #9 · answered by armyparalegal 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is your trust in him THAT weak? I have had women working for me several times in my Navy career. I went on liberty overseas with some of them (a couple were looking at the same thing I was..he he). My wife was never so jealous as to think I'd have anything to do with them (I was their senior NCO/LPO). Most of them wound up calling me 'Dad' (after working hours, of course) and my wife 'Mom' and many have been to my home (one spent 2 weeks with us while her apt was being repaired after a flood). Maybe you're reading things that aren't there. At least he's telling you about it instead of someone else.
2007-09-27 15:02:12 · answer #10 · answered by AmericanPatriot 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋