I have a live in b/f of 1.5 years that has been taking care of his Mom w/ lung and now brain cancer. She has been given 6 wks to live and is scared but still fighting. He stays every other night (her wishes). I support him and help as much as possible. We r a team on that level, but everything else is crumbling. We bicker when 2gether, no intimacy. I feel like we can't wait for each other to leave, but then we miss one another. His father passed 10 yrs. ago, he is 26 and acting 16 when at home. Smart aleck, hateful, and then sorry. I feel like his mother. I keep feeling that if it were not for the circumstances I would kick him out! And I feel so guilty for that. We love each other, but there are rarely real smiles around here anymore when we are 2gether. He ignores me and everything else (but the dog!) until he needs something it seems, he is relying on me for Everything and wearing me out. I don't know what to do, any thoughts on death/caretaking or how loved ones acted are welcome.
2007-09-25 17:58:54 · 9 answers · asked by Elle 3 in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Cancer
Wow. Thx to u all for these answers, it means sooo much to me.
2007-09-25 20:20:12 · update #1
I'm sorry for the difficulties you both face. The loss of a loved one is very difficult, and it often can affect relationships in strange and unexpected ways. I suggest you contact a local hospice - not necessarily for her care, but for coping resources for you and your partner.
I didn't have the luxury of this when my mother died (I was 18), but I have seen the help they recently gave a friend whose husband died of a stroke (he was in a coma for 5 days). My friend was then, and still is, grateful for their help. We (friends and family) have even done some fund raising to help give back to a wonderful group of people and their cause.
Best wishes for you and your partner.
2007-09-25 18:11:14 · answer #1 · answered by faireminded1 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are going thru!!! But i am your boyfriend. My Mum was diagnosed with aggressive kidney, liver and lung cancer May this year. She died two weeks ago. I also have been living with my boyfreind for 18 months and i am 28. Mums illness consumed me every minute of the day. It was extremely hard on the relationship and still is. All your bf energy would be taken thru caring for your Mum, please realise that your bf is not ignoring you he probably just has nothing left emotionally to give you right now. He is in a very bad place, if you have not experienced such personal grief you will not know how he is feeling. (i dont mean that to be rude) My boyfriend is younger than me and he finds it so hard to know how to act or what to say to me so most of the time says nothing. Then i feel lonely, sad and feel like he is going to leave me cos im not the same happy person i used to be. please contact me i have lots of info.
2007-09-26 20:13:14 · answer #2 · answered by charlie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both are being tested right now. You may not realize it but this is your first test in life. What I'm talking about is that you will experience this again if you marry him or anyone. As you age, one of you will become ill and the other will have to be the caretaker. You may have to be his mother at some point if he gets Alzheimer's. If he has health problems and can't keep the day-to-day things going, it will be up to you. I am speaking from experience that I had to learn. My second husband died of colon cancer that had metasticized to his liver. He lived 6 months after they found his lump. He had 4 children from his first marriage - 3 living with us. I had to take care of all the household business, do everything for the kids - not just things like food, clothing, etc. but also keep their spirits up, work with them to help them through the time their father was dying. If your bf got Alzheimer's he would ignore you - he wouldn't even KNOW you.
If this is how he deals with the death of his mother, it's got to be hard on both of you. This is showing you how he deals with extreme stress. If he doesn't deal with it very well, then you have to either accept that in him or find another. What if you two have a child that gets a severe illness. You will then be going through this again but it will be more personal to you as well. Are you up for that? Do you need a person who will support you through the rough times? Are you supporting him through his rough times? That's what's required in a good marriage. That's why it says in sickness and in health. His mother is the sick one but you are seeing how it will be. What if it's him who is sick? If he had something terminal and treated you like this? Could you stay there and deal with it until he passed? If not, then you are not where you need to be but that's life and it will repeat itself until you accept the "Lesson" it's trying to teach you. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do - it's in your heart and your mind if you listen to it. Talk with him. Help him to see you are there to help him help his mother. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help regarding his mother. Get as much rest as you can to help you deal with this timeframe.
2007-09-26 01:15:35 · answer #3 · answered by Rli R 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, the fact of the matter is that he wont be like this forever...as soon he will lose his mum too.... and how fantastic that you have been there for him and will be there when he needs you the most........
I cannot begin to understand just how frustrated and 'alone' you must be feeling...... and yet he is obviously not in a good place right now...... I can see how you are feeling guilty as you are in some way angry at him for allowing yourself to be so supportive in his time of need...
As I said, this wont last forever and it is certainly testing your relationship........ I feel that if you still love and care for him when all this is behind you, that you have a special relationship indeed, as if it can survive all of this, it will probably survive anything!
Good on you for haning in there!
2007-09-26 01:19:12 · answer #4 · answered by nubbiemay 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a slightly different situation but when my twin boys were born prematurely my husband and I were arguing all of the time. I knew I loved him but he just made me so angry and he felt the same way. It took a huge fight for us to seek some counselling and for us to realise that while we both wanted the best for our critically ill babies we really weren't on the same page. I was all consumed with them and what they needed. And he was concerned about me. But his words of comfort just angered me.
Eventually we came to realise that we needed to learn to communicate better and that we needed to be able to tell each other when we needed space. Your boyfrind is very young to be facing such a sad time with the terminal illness of his mum and is probably not even able to express what he is feeling. He must feel overwhelmed and upset most of the time.
This may sound harsh, but as compassionate as you are...it is not your mother who is dying. It is your boyfriend who is facing the imminent loss of his mother and the realisation that he will be without both parents very soon. So you need to recognise that while you are finding this very hard, he must be finding it doubly so.
Many men do not like the idea of counselling (my hubby included) but maybe this is an option. Other than that you may need to work on providing him with support but clearly telling him when he is acting inappropriately. Make sure you have a good support network arround you. Take time out from the situation to be with your friends or family. Take care of yourself, because clearly at the moment your boyfriend is unable to take care of you or offer you comfort.
Hoping that this sad situation doesn't result the end of your relationship,
Hugs,
mum2MH
2007-09-26 02:38:08 · answer #5 · answered by mum2mh 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know where you live but you might want to ask her treating physician for a referral to Hospice services. They can provide all kinds of support for this lady in her home--personal care, pain management, etc. But most importantly for you and your boyfriend, they provide emotional and spiritual support at a time when families might not be able to support one another because of the stress. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did a wonderful study on death and dying and she identified 7 (I think) stages that all people pass through, both the person who is dying and those who love them. You might want to get her book and read it carefully. People pass through the stages at different rates; it sounds like your boyfriend is at the anger stage and he takes it out on you. Hospice can help both of you understand and deal with that. Prayers to all of you.
2007-09-27 02:58:10 · answer #6 · answered by Joyce J 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you two are going thru is perfectly normal. He is under extreme stress, is about to become an orphan, after all, so you are going to have to take up the slack and give him room to begin the grieving process. That is what he is doing now, beginning the grieving process. All you can do is try to hold your temper, be there when he needs you, and be understanding. It won't always be like this, so try to persevere.
2007-09-26 01:09:49 · answer #7 · answered by lyllyan 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is very common. He is overwhelmed with losing his mom and he is just not coping well so you get the brunt of it. Just remember that he is really hurting and he has little to give right now. Get support from others when he can't be supportive of you. Find ways for you to get breaks too.
2007-09-26 07:42:09 · answer #8 · answered by Simmi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am glad to see he is helping his mother out...just try to get through this time with him.. i am sure when he comes home hes worry and feeling sad.... try to make him feel good when hes home and take those things at home for him off his mind.. tell him how you feel when the time is right and start from there to working toward a better marriage.. good luck
2007-09-26 01:13:21 · answer #9 · answered by Kat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋