How do I deal with learning my boyfriend sexually abused my daughter?

Question

I have been learning more recently since she is in DCS custody. Boyfriend is truck driver and probably won't return here to TN due to this. I decided to put him out of house and work with DCS on this but am having problems mentally and emotionally because I just had his baby 2 mos ago. What and when do I tell her if ever? Sooner or later she'll ask. I am working on my daughters and my relationship and am scared she will still choose her bio dad over me. What should I do besides counseling and working with DCS/State? Financially I don't know if we'll survive and I am so scared. Although I do have great family and a couple of great friends who will be there for me unless I take a Sect. 8 house in another area which would help us as far as financially.

My oldest 14 yr old is the one he molested and raped. My 14 yr old and 11 yr old son are from another marriage. The baby I just had is mine and my boyfriends.

Boyfriend hasn't touched baby, would only have supervised visits with her only. In TN its an 8 yr sentence. There is also no DNA evidence, only signs of trama from tests. I am scared though that her own bio father may have made her say all this and that she may have been sexually active, trying to cover it up, I hope she isn't lying. I am erring on the cautious side and have removed boyfriend from home in order to get her back. Her bio-dad is making all this hard and telling everyone that its my fault since DCS won't even allow him unsupervised visits with 14, 11 yr old. But he isn't taking classes or working with DCS at all and I am. He was getting my son on weekends, every weekend till DCS stopped it because he slammed my daughter into a wall 2 christmases ago which was reported and she recounted it saying she trusts him now. Plus, there was an exsisting OOP for me and 2 kids before. They are looking into the abuse cases against real father and boyfriend.

Answer 1

Question is....what do you do to help her deal with whats happened to her? While I realize that this is having an effect on you as well, and you do need professional help for the emotional issues involved. You're an adult, she is a child and the one that was abused. You need to pull yourself together for her sake. She is going to need you more right now than she ever has and more than likely ever will again. Take one day at a time, and deal with each issue as they come before you. Seek mental health counseling for everyone within your household. Whether the others were abused or not is not the issue, anything that effects you, or their sibling is going to effect them as well. Hold on to each other and what you have, ... love and time will eventually heal all wounds.

Answer 2

If's often hard to understand how you missed something, you feel like you should have been paying more attention and that is normal. Right now you have to be strong for her, she needs to know you are here for her now, that you don't blame her for anything, and you aren't mad at her, that you love her and you are upset that this man did this to her.

She already knows what happened to her if she's 14. The biggest question she may ever ask you is WHY you didn't do anything. All you can tell her is that sometimes people don't see it. It happens too much that people don't notice. Tell her that you are sorry that a person did this to her, and that you'll do anything to protect her.

Your finances can wait until you work out this problem with your daughter. Have your freinds and family help you right now, you need the support so that you can support her.

Answer 3

That is some really serious stuff. You need to do whatever you need to do to make it right for your child. She is probably feeling so worthless right now and she needs to know that she is not and that she is more important to you than anything else in the world. As far as the baby. You should try to get his parental rights terminated and maybe get a restraining order or something. And all you can do is be honest. If you lie to the baby she will eventually one day find out. Siblings talk to each other and you would rather the baby hear it from you then from someone else. I hope this was helpful. Good Luck.

Answer 4

You are vacillating between 14 being dishonest and quoting that your b/f did it due to what you have been told and now haven't a clue where the father of your two month old is.

If you find out that your daughter is being dishonest I would work with her father concerning her teen years *if* he checks out altho big if. The reason being is you cannot have a teen running your home in front of a young child. Also, DCS gets money from various sources for keeping this case open...all the while and if your daughter is lying, is learning nothing but "I can control via lying and not taking responsibility". Has she been raped or is she sexually active and has chosen to see this as everyone else's fault?

Answer 5

Well, first of all DONT HAVE MORE BABIES, this is not a game, you can not just break your daughter and sons lifes just because you don't know what to do, please, second, find a job, if you feel scared is because life is not cheap, if she choose her bio dad over you, well, that will be her decision don't you think?, are you serious about "how to deal with learning... and the rest of the crap???? are you insane? do you perhaps think that sexual abuse is something you learn to deal with??? just by now you have let a stupid just give misery to your daughter, .... before thinking in your own needs... think for a minute IN YOUR OWN KIDS, stop being selfish, to not see what can happens whenever you let a stupid guy into your house, you not only put in risk your security, now your daughter...

have you ever think if something else could happened?

Think, think and think again... everytime you want to play the single woman... no more, now that you have a family, if that doesn't appeal you.. well, that you can not change anymore, but what is in your hands is their future, don't think only in what you need, go and look for a job, don't let your kids with strangers.

Forgive this rude words, but from the way you ask your question doesn't sound like you really realize what you let happen to your daughter, it sounds like you took it so lightly... put yourself in her shoes.... and think what would you feel about your mom if she let that happened... would you feel protected? Make all your effort, I'm not saying is easy, not at all, neither that there's no feelings, but a mom that is gonna search the way to fix things doesn't appear at all, only one person who is so scared, take those fears away in order to be the woman and mother your kids deserve and need, for your own growth and theirs with you.

this is a fire proof for you to take out the best of you, to create the best of you, and to be a woman that confront problems and solve them all.

take of these word only what can help you, don't pay attention on how it sound, don't lose your time on that.

Answer 6

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.
I gather your 14 year old is a girl (that he molested). That is terrible. She will bear this cross for many years, but with the proper counseling, your love and support, and support of your family, she will survive.

I think the main decision stands with you. Are you still in love with your ex-boyfriend? If you are, and that is not uncommon to feel like you may be in denial, your strength or lack there of lies in that sole feeling.

If you wish to have nothing to do with him ever again (which is your right, and rightfully so), then you can fight for full custody of your baby (that he is the father of). You can make this happen to get him out of your life by moving to another state. He is now marked as a "Child Molester" by the Judicial system, and will not be able to be around children (especially his own). In California, that's what the law states.

YOU have to want to run from him...for absolutely sure..for good...forever. That emotional decision lies with you. The rest is legal.

Your baby is only 2 months old. You have a lot of years ahead of you to make the decision on how you will will tell her of her father. Don't stress over that now.

Thank goodness you have a great family and a network of friends. Lean on them for awhile. And don't be afraid to ask for help. That's what they're there for, and that's what they want to be there for. You might even want to move in with your family for awhile, till you feel stronger.

Take good care, and please make the right decisions not only in your best interest, but in the best interest of your children. Be very careful in the men you choose. Don't jump right into another relationship because you are lonely or scared. You must first learn to be independent.

Answer 7

Sorry to say this but I think having so many men in your life and baby to different men has already affected the children. I didnt understand do you have a current boyfriend other than the one that molested and raped your daughter? Why is he out of town, he should be in jail? Why is there the delay? You need to try to get your life sorted out quick smart as this is really going to affect them in the future. Was the 2 month old also molested? Is that who you need to tell about it? Your question is not clear enough. I hope that god helps you and your family to figure this out.

Answer 8

You definitely need to press charges. He committed a crime. He must pay. You need to do this for your daughter and prevent him from doing it to somebody else. There are a bunch of programs out there for you to get help with different things for your family. You work with your counselor on the issues of telling your newborn about the incident.

Answer 9

Make sure this guy goes to jail for this!!!
Your #1 concern should be for the rape victim.
Worry about what to tell the baby later. And anyway, why would you want the baby to have contact with a pedofile father? So he can rape her too? Think about it!

Answer 10

to get through it make sure you know how you feel. sounds silly, but make sure u arnt keeping hidden any feelings. also dont make this all about you, yes he was your boyfriend and yes she is your daughter, but remember the real victim and make sure you talk to your daughter and help her anyway you can. not so much as offering advice, but listen to her. if yall are close, or even if your not, this is a way to help ease some of the pain.