Could you continue a relationship w/ someone after finding out they're having phone sex?

Question

Could you stay with someone like this?

Some woman called me on Sunday and they told me "you don't know me, but I know you and I know him" and she mentioned our names. She told me personal info about me that he tells her during phone sex sessions. I believe this to be a phone sex operator. She told me "enough is enough" and decided to come clean with me about whats going on with him. She said he is heavily into phone sex.

I knew he was looking at porn and I had told him I was very upset about it. We had just spent 5 nice days together and then in the middle of a phone argument I get this call from her. She really threw a wrench into our whole relationship!!! Now Im dealing with it. He continues to deny its going on, and says this person is lying. I feel she has compelling evidence. She knows my whereabouts and only he and I know, so he must have told her. What would U DO? Could you stay with someone like this? IS THERE ANY HOPE.

I will add details 2 responses so please read.

Answer 1

Personally if I knew for a fact (and it sounds like you do) that this was going on and I was being lied to about it, I would give my partner the travel card. If they can't be honest enough to admit to cheating and/or having an affair with a phone sex operator or whatever, then how will it be if they had one with a real person. All I can say is good luck to you and I hope that you do indeed learn the truth from your partner, even if it hurts a bit at first. Then the two of you can discuss what it is that's missing in your relationship to make him spend money on pretend women.

Answer 2

Porn is one thing, but this is taking it outside of the realm of fantasy and making it a reality. I could not stay with someone like this because I consider it cheating. Why couldn't he have phone sex with you? Why did he feel the need to pay for it? If it's an addiction, he needs help, but as it stands now, I'd be getting out of the relationship. Whether it's true or not, I think you'll have a hard time trusting him after this, and lack of trust can kill any relationship permanently.

Answer 3

There is much truth about the idea that cheating is "relative" and that there are many dangers regarding sexual addiction, but at the same time, you have to see things on the realm that what he is doing is safe, secure and healthy. For instance, if he were to identify that he had had a real time encounter, my biggest concern would be regarding the disease factor. At least over the internet, and over a phone, you KNOW that he is being careful about disease and considering your safety and factor as well. Second, sometimes men (and I know this because I am a real time Domme and phone sex operator in the business for 10+ years) need an outlet that is more than what they feel comfortable with telling someone they love. For instance, maybe he has a fantasy regarding Dominating a woman or even submitting to one, where they feel the activities are too extreme to follow through in real life but will 'explode' if they don't have some kind of outlet. The only way to overcome this ideal is to open up and possibly have some of those taboo discussions with him/her in order to open the gates to more honesty and unreserved conversations. It is completely natural to have these fantasies, and only some will act on them. Some, in turn, feel that the only way to indulge is to do so online or over a phone. Either way, it is a conversation that they are probably having difficulties addressing with you, OR have tried to and found it too unfulfilling because their partner is not willing to even address it. On the flip side, Dominating men struggle with the ethical ideal of having that sadistic side to them and know or feel that it is inappropriate to indulge in those tendencies. The ONLY time I feel it is appropriate in a real time environment is when the adults involved are consensual and ONLY then. I do not condone abuse nor do I support it whether it be mental, physical or emotional. However, if done correctly, these types of relationships are the most intense, loving and secure relationships than any 'normal' (by society standards) I have ever seen, basing it on a 100% honesty and trust and communication. Addicts are those who have a tendency to show the following signs: 1) Their addiction is costing them more than they can spend. Whether it be financially, time, or even emotional standing, it does begin to affect all three severely. 2) Addicts will risk ANYTHING to feed their addiction, including health, career, education and all types of relationships; 3) Addicts typically are insistent on feeding their addiction more and more. Meaning that if they started online and after years are just indulging online or over the phone more than likely they will not pursue something in real time. Addicts are normally not content with just online or phone materials to feed their addiction. Remember, the safety that they feel they have with the World Wide Web or just a phone call is real. They can anonymously confess, enact or just plain have an ear that will listen safely and securely. Don't judge to harshly what your boyfriend (and what Gillian) is doing. Their might be something lacking (or not) in their lives that they are too embarrassed to convey to their partners. If that is the case, then open the gate for him. Give him just a bit of tolerance and see if you can't be the focus of his fantasies by doing so. I am not saying accept his behavior as ultimately you have to do what is right for you. 10 years ago if you had asked me if I would be doing this, I too would baulked at the idea, but since then, I do feel I have not offered a service to those who need a safe way to express themselves, but I have found that become an open minded individual and non-judgemental about people's taboos (unless it involves innocence of children and animals) has made my life less stressful and I continue to learn a great deal about people, life and human nature. Good luck... And Gillian, as a quick note: If you are craving what you need and online is enough, great, however, if it is not, PLEASE be sure that you find a local group and mentoring situation that makes your search a safe, sane and consensual one. There are far too many predators out there. Sincerely, Lady Velvet Noir

Answer 4

Its your call and it looks like you are not going to stick around. However it don't bug me...unless it cuts into the budget should we get married.

Answer 5

There is no way in hell i would stay with him. That is some scandalous sh*t and if she knew things about me i would flip the hell out!!! Hell no!

Answer 6

phone sex and cybersex are nothing to worry about... nothing more than a form of porn... interactive porn... :D no emotions involved... :D