please tell me what you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Question

hi
i am a single father to four lovely kids.my ex wife after leaving 2 1/2 years ago has had very little contact with the kids.she picked the kids up and down when she wanted to.until i had had enough.told her she had to have regular contact or not at all.so she did not bother with them for quite a time (3-6 months
)at a time.then last christmas she said she wanted to see them on a regular basis again.so i agreed she see them. she had them every other weekend.that only lasted 12 weeks and she has not seen them since..now she says she wants to see them again.i told her back then it was the last chance she would get because of the effect it has on the kids.... do i stick to my guns.. or bite the bullet and let her see them?????


help!!!!!!!!!!!!! please!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just dont know

Answer 1

Has this been taken to court....
If not then you need to do that and make it understood that without regular visits she won't see the kids

Answer 2

I am answering this the same as I would if you were a single mum - and I have answered a few similar questions. My answer is that you should allow contact because in the end, you may end up being the bad one for preventing it which would be clearly unfair. The other thing is that children need both of you even if one is an idiot. They will come to know that in time. What I recommend is a strategy my good friend uses (and its worked wonders) - she didn't tell the kids that their father was coming as he was so unreliable. If he arrived she would say 'surprise - your dad is here' and then if he didn't show, the children were none the wiser. As it happened, the more contact the father had, and the less she spat at him when he did arrive, the better he got at turning up. People get disconnected from their children without regular access and forget to think of their children first. So, to sum up, arrange with the mother when she can see them but don't tell the kids until she is actually at the door. Ask her not to make any promises to them just now about when she will see them next - she must only make arrangements with you. (Try and be nice when you see her even if it kills you - if she thinks you will be okay with her, she might try a bit harder). I hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 3

Look man, first I would like to say it makes no difference what we say it is this is one of those things you have to decide yourself.
Now how I see it if you let her see them then she is going to know she has controlled and as far as she is concerned they kids are toys she can play with whenever she wants.

On the other hand you dont let her see them then you have to always be carefull cause if she is felling extremely bored one day she might bring custody issues in court, also if you never let her see them then when the kids grow up(especially if one is a girl) they are going to want to see there mother and well that will just be a mess you will probably have to deal with.

Now if I where in your scenario i would tell her that she can see them on birthdays and holidays. And if she takes the time in the next few years and dose not miss any of these important dates i would take her more seriously.

Answer 4

Damn -- I find it to hard to believe ANY MOTHER could just leave her kids like that and you see it all the time anymore and I can't comprehend it (me....mom and grandma)....I think it's good that you are trying to work it out with her rather than dragging in through the court. How do your kids feel about it? You didn't say their ages....
My problem with it (her) is the fact that kids need consistency.....it's important. Does she have a drug problem or anything? I know - you must be a mess over this---- there's just not enough information for a good opinion here. It probably hurts the kids that she just disappears for a while and then again, it would probably upset the kids if they can't see her (??? - don't know)....My heart goes out to you.....and I'm impressed -- single father of 4 children --- way to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a REAL MAN STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE.....

Answer 5

What a shame. I think you are doing a fantastic job. How old are your children? Could you ask them if they want to see her? If they are too small it's very unfair that you are left to pick up the pieces. I am quite a harsh person and i would say, get the kids move away and never let her see them again 9you have given her plenty of chances to repair any damage she has done - and it looks like it's getting worse). But, you don't seem cold hearted like me. Can you not seek help and advice from the courts, get a solicitor letter drawn up saying she sees them every other weekend (even under court supervision) and if she fails to show, she cannot see them again. I'm not sure how the 'system' works... I wish you every luck. I think your children will grow up to be very beautiful and very respectful and grateful to their wonderful father. Godbless.

Answer 6

You don't mention how old the kids are, but the thing is - at the end of the day she is still their mother, be it a bad one in your opinion. If the kids are old enough, i'd be tempted to ask them what they wanted to do. They may decide yes, that they do want to see their mum, but if she messes them around as she has done then they may well decide for themselves that they don't want to have contact wth her.
I know you feel strongly about this, and you only want to protect your kids from being hurt, but at the same time you cannot deny them the chance of contact with their mother if THEY want it.
Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but the kids must come first in all this!
Good luck, I hope you all get things sorted :-)

Answer 7

How old are the children? If they are old enough to make decide for themselves, let them. It might be that the fall out is worth it to them.

If they are too young and it is definitely too upsetting, then I'd say not to allow these visits without a lot of advanced warning so you can prepare them, if at all. It would be even better if you could tell them what to expect for the day. When they are old enough to make the decision, then let them.

It sounds like your ex-wife is trying on some level to do the right thing, at least.

I think I'd try and see the visits like any other visit from a relative, if I could.

Answer 8

I really feel for you, this is tough. My parents broke up when i was young and early on they had a set time my dad was meant to call. My brother and I would sit by the phone at 6pm every Sunday waiting and waiting and waiting until eventually (around 9pm) mum would say "maybe he is really busy" or something like that. Sometimes he would call but then that hurt even more as when i could talk to him i loved it but then he would be gone again for who knows how long. What i am trying to say in a long drawn out way is although you should never, ever cut all ties with their mum. Depending on how old your kids are maybe you should wait until theyre old enough to understand before they have contact again.

Answer 9

The ages of your children play a major role in this! depending on their ages, it will determine how it affects them, and at the end of the day it's their emotions you need to consider. If they are reasonably young then it could be a easy hurdle to get over, because as they grow up they will know and see that you have done the right thing by them. If they are in their teens then you have to share this with them as much as possible or they will end up blaming you for them not seeing their mother. Teens are a little harder to understand, they all seem to blame the wrong party.Been there done that! Just be honest with the kids and their mother and stick to your rules. You are the one doing the hard yards tell her to get lost and your kids will eventually decide for themselves what they want..Good luck and keep up the fantastic job you are doing....

Answer 10

This reminds me of my best friend. It was the same way with her dad. From a childs perspective (hers) she said it was worse sitting and waiting for him on the steps. She said she would have preferred him not be in her life at all. She used to wait hours on end for him to come and get her, she said it tore her up inside. I don't know how old your little ones are but if they are old enough let them talk to you about it, ask them how they feel. It's confusing for children and not good for their development. She is very selfish, shame on her. Also go though the courts and let them know what has been happening to be able to regulate her visits and if she fails to comply, then you can take the legal way so she is not able to see them, for the best interest of the children. You will make a good choice, seems like your a good dad :)

Answer 11

You need to see a lawyer and let him explain the options. Personally I think that she is doing a lot of harm to the kids by "wanting to see them" then dropping them and then starting again. However, most of this stuff depends on what a judge and the courts say so I would go to a lawyer, check out options and then make a decision that is best fr the kids.