i have step children who hate me and I don't understand why. I know their mother is jealous of my life style and the only thing that makes since is that she is turning them against me. She had a long term affair while married to my husband and became pregnant by the other man and wanted to have the baby...this is why they are divorced....The kids are just so rude to me that I want to run and hide when they are here...i don't though and try to treat them as I would any family member in our home, I just need to understand their dislike and was hoping I could get some input.
2007-09-25 08:39:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Why Stepchildren Reject a New Parent
Children learn to discriminate from watching their parents. They determine who is safe and who is not by seeing how their parents respond to the strangers that enter their lives. This method of learning discernment is shattered when parents divorce. Suddenly someone who was good to live with and be with every day is no longer held in the same position. Then, parents fall in love again and add to the mix someone new and often expect their children to embrace them as their new parent and family member. The children want to believe that this new person is safe, and yet, they need to determine this for themselves, as they know that they can no longer rely on their parent to be a good judge of character.
As a stepparent, it is critical that you understand this and that you do not expect or demand the immediate respect and affection of your stepchildren. When stepparents pick up on the resistance of their stepchildren, they often take it personally and react by getting angry and frustrated; by withdrawing and only minimally interacting with the children; or by working really hard to figure out how exactly to give the children what they want in order to win their love, acceptance and approval.
What To Do About It
Simply meet your stepchildren where they are. Be genuinely curious about them and inquire about what’s going on for them, especially in relationship to you. When you reach out and are met with a cold shoulder, name it. Not from a hurt or defensive place, but from a place of curiosity. Something like, “Brrrrr. That was cold. What happened for you when I reached out for you like that?” or “Seems like the last thing you want from me right now is a hug, huh? Can you tell me more?”…
The beauty of this strategy is that by not reacting to or resisting the responses of your stepchildren, you give them nothing to fight against. By meeting them with love, compassion, curiosity, and empathy, you get to connect with them with whatever they are wrestling with at the moment. The key in all of this is to not take their behaviors, reactions, or responses personally.
2007-09-25 10:17:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I had a step-mother that I absolutely hated, but the reasons were different than in your case. She was the reason for my parents divorce (you are not in this case), and she also would make indirect comments that were linked to my mother (She must have thought I wouldn't catch on).
How long have you been in the kid's lives? This makes a big difference because time is the answer. I know it sounds corny, but maybe the kids don't know how to act either while in your home. This could be the case with any step-parent, not necessarily you, so don't take it personal. I would just keep doing what you are doing...hopefully in time you all will find a comfort level that will make everything tolerable.
2007-09-25 08:44:39 · answer #2 · answered by Workcompguru31 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
these kids have gone through a lot of emotional pain because of their mother's actions and the divorce. it's not unusual for kids to feel that the new woman in their father's life is trying to take him away from them.... kids don't even realize that this is why they don't like the stepmother.
the best thing you can do is continue to treat them as you'd treat everyone else. hon, i'm sure this is very hard on you too!
you could also let them know that you realize they have been hurt through the divorce, and you're not trying to take their mom's place nor are you trying to take their dad from them.
you could let them know you are there to listen if they ever need someone.
also encourage your husband to spend "dad time" with them at least once a week, just them and him.
you seem like a very nice, and caring person.. and i'm sure these kids will come around eventually.....
all the best
2007-09-25 08:54:52 · answer #3 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, well you need to speak with your husband first and foremost. He needs to be aware of the treatment you're getting and he needs to help solve this problem.
You also need to speak with the mother and tell her that this isn't healthy for the children, and that you are just another person who will love and look out for whats best for her children. There are never too many people doing that for children.
Lastly, you also need to treat them as if they were your own. Would you allow your own children to treat you like this? You need to demand respect but also earn it. You'll be suprised at how quickly they come around.
I went through the exact same thing, except I was one of the kids. You'd be shocked to know that I and my little sister both told our mom on more than one account "why do you hate her so much" or "why are you so mean to her" or "mommy, shes nice and we love her, why do you hate her?"
Good luck HTH.
2007-09-25 08:46:39 · answer #4 · answered by Phil M 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
To save yourself a whole lot of stress stick to the basics:
1. You are an adult, a wife, and a parent in your home.
2. No parent is required to allow children to rule over their home due to people (their parents) divorcing or for any other reason. Your husband should resolve not to parent out of guilt aka spoil his children via anyone's request including son(s) and/or daughter(s).
3. You are not required to feel guilty due to saying "yes" to a marriage proposal and yes, to the man you love. Your husband is not required to go without being loved.
4. Parents, including step-parents, are required to parent. Your husband is the father to sons and/or daughters(related to you by marriage) and you knew this before he married ...correct? You are a human being, wife, and mother in your home and so those are your roles.
5. You are required to protect your marriage 1st from stress and nurture it as any other couple who respects their marriage because you R a married couple. Your husband and his first wife did not do that and a divorce explains history - not the present. Leave out the drama- their marriage does not exist due to divorce & has nothing to do with your marriage...his and your step-children are family period. They have nothing to say when it comes to your marriage nor do they have any excuses for their chosen negative behavior. Drama should not be allowed in your home therefore create a nurturing environment and discipline when needed.
Fact: Kids are pulling this in homes where no divorce has ever occurred and should be parented the same with balance. It's called pitting parents against each other....oldest trick in the book and may have been a habit in their dad's prior home - possibly still continuing. There could be other elements or complications involved also that has nothing to do with you such as the kids relationships with others in the family etc. Kids do not get a choice in a couples abitility to remain married or not and so have to accept this to gain peace within - society wants drama also therefore drives children to wrath via manipulation. Some never figure it out especially when too many place children in bed with marriages....it's gross. Stick 2 the basics.
2007-09-25 09:52:07 · answer #5 · answered by GoodQuestion 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have step children that treat me the same way. I don't understand. I try to treat them the best I can. Their parents have been divorce for five years I have been a part of their Dads' life for only a year. I am looking for answers too. If you have anything that might help, please let me know.
2007-09-25 08:45:20 · answer #6 · answered by This is M 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
also a step mother / step grand parent ( at 24) well One of my step daughters has tested my boundaries and her fathers as they both are supposed to have joint ( yeah right ) we hardly ever get to see her but she is a pre teen so but when she is over she is rude to me and her father I just had to put my foot down and say look this is my house and if you are going to act this way then you don't need to come back ( basically but in nicer terms) actually her father my husband agreed with me and well she has been a lot nicer to both of us now they usually want to test your boundaries but when they know where that is then they tend to not go that far anymore
2007-09-25 08:59:28 · answer #7 · answered by oh_jo123 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am a step father of two teen girls that I support. It is the same for me. I dont care though. I let their attitude be their problem, and I do all I can for them. They will grow mature one day and realize all that you did for them. Ya know when they say Kill them with kindness? It works. Be who you are, not what they think you are.
2007-09-25 08:46:43 · answer #8 · answered by sunshine man 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Not me. My parents have been married 49 years. They are an inspiration. So this is an issue I have, thankfully, never had to deal with.
My husband and I just celebrated our 15th anniversary...so I don't ever imagine having to deal with it. I am sorry you have to.
Best wishes and best of luck to you and yours.
2007-09-25 08:42:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You blame their mother for the break up of their parent's marriage. You think you are better than her.
That is reason enough to "hate" you.
Kids can sense this sort of thing. Your holier-than-thou attitude is apparent in this post, it must be glaringly obvious in real life.
2007-09-25 08:46:09 · answer #10 · answered by alanastarkey 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋