Am I being selfish and not considering the children?

Question

My daughter had her children removed from her custody 18 months ago. I was working in the oilfield, so I couldn't take them right away. When spring breakup came, I was named as a Person of Sufficient Interest. Her children were removed from her home because she failed to provide for them. (care, stability, clean home, etc.) They took the them because she was caught 'cutting' herself. They took them because of a harmful relationship, domestice violence. They took her children because she was not stable and went and got pregnant by the same guy who was abusing her and there is suspicion of him abusing the little girl.
I've had the children in my care for 6 months, now. I have been attending to their needs and allowing the parents a lot more than a foster family would be. They are together and doing so much better.
She's done nothing to improve her situation and has decided that I can't adopt them. She wants another 'try at parenting her children.' Am I selfish in fighting for them?

I want to thank you all in advance. This has been a difficult time for me and you have just confirmed the reasons why I chose to be named in the first place. Even 'Goodquestion' is sincerely concerned for the children, though I have confused him/her. What was meant was that the two children are now together in my home instead of being separated. They are both doing so much better, seeming much calmer and less stressed. My daughter will see them once a week and the father will see them twice a month in a supervised environment, now.
You were right (everyone of you) It is not about the Mother, it is all about the Kids!Thank you all for your answers, a best answer will be hard to choose. I hope that none of you mind if I put this to a vote, because you all deserve a fair chance at getting Best Answer.

Answer 1

You are doing what is necessary for the children. This is a touchy subject: First, if you feel that the children are in danger in your daughter's home, you have no choice but to protect them. They are innocent and they can not protect themselves. If the father is, indeed, an abuser, he won't "get better". It is a pattern, and, a state of mental disability, where, without intense therapy, he won't change. If there is concern that he could harm those kids, you owe it to them - and to yourself & your daughter to protect them.

Please contact the social worker that assigned the children to you and explain the situation. You probably won't be able to officially adopt the children for some time, but, she can assist you in establishing a legal basis for the children to stay safe. It is NOT TRUE that children are necessarily better off with their biological parents. It sounds like mom is having difficulty even caring for herself. I don't know how much information you have on the long-term effects on children that witness domestic violence, but, I urge you to become informed. Giving them back to their mother could be signing them up for life-long mental health issues.

Domestic Violence is serious, and, your daughter is in danger. Her "cutting" behavior is a sign of the pain she is feeling. I pray that she is in serious therapy. She needs it desperately. Until she is willing to walk away from him and choose her children, she is also not safe. Please become familiar with the "cycle of abuse". The fact that they seem better does not mean they are, and, it most likely is only temporary. I know that you want her to be alright, but, she has to be happy with herself before she can be a good mother. Please encourage her to look into codependency, and, toxic relationships. Look at this site and see if they fit. Please understand that their being "better' is merely a phase on the cycle:

http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm

Understand that women that are victims of domestic violence often harm themselves:

http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/abuse/a/75selfharm.htm

Children become life-long victims and repeat the behavior (either being abused, or, being the abuser as adults)

http://www.acadv.org/children.html

Please know that there is a direct correlation between domestic violence and child abuse:

http://www.endabuse.org/programs/display.php3?DocID=150

You are being a loving grandparent. It would be negligent to give those children back to a situation where they would be damaged. Your daughter may be angry and hurt that you won't return the kids now, but, once she is healthy, she will be able to thank you for protecting them. If she doesn't get healthy, your grandkids have a chance at a good life- with you.

Please contact the social worker that placed them, and, encourage your daughter to attend domestic violence classes (often run by the YWCA). Hold onto those children, pray, and trust you are doing what is right.

If you want to email me, please do...

Answer 2

NO you are not being selfish for fighting for them!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am an adoptee and I root for people like you. That is wonderful that you are trying to give these children a better life. She is the one being selfish bringing all these babies in the world and can't even take care of herself. I mean you no disrespect but that girl needs help. She is willing and able and won't get the help. If she hasn't changed and the kids have done well with you then why on earth would anyone change the situation?! She doesn't deserve a chance to be a mother to those children and the fact that she wants to subject them to the abuse that she is getting upsets me!!! Those poor babies. You keep on fighting for those kids, till you can't fight any more. They deserve better and you have given them that. Take it to the judge. It may get ugly but those kids will thank you in the long run. You don't owe her anything by letting her be around those kids. She needs to just back off and do ther right thing by letting you have them and raise them in a good, stable, clean environment. Tell her to check into a rehab center for cutters and abused women. She also needs to get her tubes tied or just refrain from making more babies till she gets herself together!!!!!!!

Answer 3

I am so sorry that you are in this position I can't imagine how awful it must be. :(

I think that the situation is very clear that your daughter needs help and she is not trying to get it and she is not able to care for her children at least now now and not for a long time. She needs to understand that the best thing now she can do for her children is for herself to be better. Both psychological and economic.

I won't say anything about the father. If he has already abused your daughter and you even Think that he has abused your grandchildren than you are doing what you have to do for them.

No you are not being selfish in fighting for custody if you believe that "another try at parenting her children" now is a mistake. It's your best judgement about what is best for them.

(((Y!ABut))) thoughts and very best wishes for you..

Edit re your daughter and cutting...I have a problem cutting too. I stopped and I have not done it all summer though I still want to some times.

I think it may be best to tell her straight up that the right thing to do is focus on trying to be the best mother she can for her children and have that as her goal. She needs to be told for real that is it not about her now that she has children. Again hugs and all the best and please feel free to email me if you like.

Answer 4

No, you are not, Your daughter by her actions exposed her children to exploitation, abuse and neglect. That is the reason the Children were taken from the home in the first place. The main goal of Child removal from the home, is to give the parents time and help to improve her parenting skills and learn how to keep a clean house. Also time for her boyfriend to get professional help in working on the suspected abuse issues with the children. The ultimate goal is to strive for family unification, if possible. In the 18 months, more than ample time for your daughter to improve on those skills.
if they have not been met, reunification is not possible and the courts would sever parental rights and put the children up for adoption. You in my point of view are helping your grandchildren, by keeping them in their biological family and your daughter has lost the right to raise them, most states appoint a lawyer to safeguard the interest of the children, you may have to legally have your daughter and her boy Friends Parental Rights Severed and adopt the children.
You are helping the children not hurting them, Good Luck

Answer 5

No, I think you should do whats in the best intrest for your grandchildren. As a mother she is supposed to protect her kids and from what your saying she is a VERY bad mother. If I were you I would seek temporary custody of these kids and allow her to get the help that she needs for herself first and if/when she makes progress and you think she trying then let her spend time with them with supervision. I would wait at least two years or more. She needs to be in a stable enviorment in order to get her kids back. Mentally, & emotionally. Kids are a lot of work and as a parent much needed patience on their side. If these kids go back to soon she may fall right back into what she is doing now becasue she was still unstable. I am a mother myself so I feel and understand the hard decision you must make. Wanting to let your daughter have her kids and letting them be with their mother, but at the same time keeping these kids safe. If these kids go back to her now this will only create emotional problems, behavioral problems, health issues. These kids will be in therapy as adolesents and adults do to her unstableness. If you can give to these children what their mother can't right now then do it. Let them grow up in a loving, stable and healthy enviornment. Fight for your grandkids they did not ask to be brought into this world which is already crazy enough and they deserve to have what shouldcome naturally from their mother and being that she is unable to provide it, and your willing to then there is nothing worng on your part. She should Thankyou for this.

Answer 6

You are considering them because you are providing them with a clean home, stable environment, and lots of love. If you didn't fight for them, now, that would be selfish. I think you are doing the right thing and if I were you, I'd fight to the end for them. Your daughter does not deserve them if she hasn't done a thing to improve herself for them. The courts and children's protective services will see this and she will not get them. Where's the father? Is he as bad as her? I commend you for wanting the best for your grandchildren!! Good for you!!

Answer 7

No! You are not selfish at all! If anything you are doing the right thing, the humane thing by taking care of them and keeping them from harm even if its from their mother/your daughter. Please do not stop fighting for them. These children are already scarred and only you can help them. I'm sorry that your daughter has these problems but she does not deserve these children or another chance!

Answer 8

I heard that if it is over a year and the parent hasn't shown signs of improvement that children can be adopted out and since you are interested than I don't see an issue. Go talk to an attorney most attorney's give free counsel. Good Luck.

Answer 9

You are not being selfish when you decided to fight for the custody of those abused kids. The judge will understand that you have the best interest of the children in your mind and that the biological parents have not conducted themselves worthy of that trust.

Answer 10

YOU ARE NOT SELFISH! There should be more grandparents like you out there. If you love those kids and you can provide them with a stable environment,by all means do what you can to keep them. If she continues this pattern she is really gonna hurt those kids in the long run. I wish you luck.