My husband and I are going to have our first baby. My mother-in-law got jealous when she knew that my mom will stay with us for 5 moths. She told me that people in the USA don’t like that their moms stay with them and 5 months was too much time. Now, she wants to stay at my house when my mom is here. She doesn’t speak Spanish and my mom doesn’t speak English. She just lives 40 minutes from us; she can drive back to her house. My mom lives in other country, practically my sister and I are her only family; therefore, I thought It will be nice to let her stay with us for a while and enjoy her first grandchild. My mother-in-law is saying that she will move close to us and that she will quit her job to take care of the baby. She is crossing the line because she told me I have to let my husband be involved with the baby and don’t take the baby over because most of women are like that. My husband doesn’t understand that his mom’s behavior is not right. I can’t let her dominate my life.
2007-09-25 03:39:48 · 18 answers · asked by Marquesa 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Five months certainly is a long time. I'm wondering just what your husband thinks about that, deep down inside. No doubt that after the baby newness rubs off, he may be thinking things a little differently. In the long run, your MIL is the one who will have more grandparent activity with this child. Your child will love her and because she lives so near, will probably spend much time with her. So, start including her in visits when your mom is here. Ask her to come to lunch, too. Ask her to join the two if you on a little shopping trip. It doesn't matter that they don't speak the same language.
It seems that she is trying to elbow her way in because she feels like she is not important and not wanted just because your own mom will be there. Think how differently you would feel if your own mom could not be there.... wouldn't you welcome your MIL's help then?
2007-09-25 03:51:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't let her dominate your life- this is true.
If you think this baby is more yours than your husband's, you are wrong. Your mother isn't trying to be controling- your mother-in-law is jealous of your mom! I would be too. Put yourself into your mother-in-law's shoes. What if you only had sons? (what a blessing!) Would you want to be excluded from your grandchild's life simply because your daughter-in-law doesn't want your advice? You know, the life lessons you've learned on raising children, that work very well! You married her son (who is obviously wonderful in your site and didn't become that way by being neglected!), which could possibly mean that she's a good mother?
I hope that she is not "pushy" or insists that you do as she says. If she is, let her know that you appreciate her motherly advice, but you'll be doing this particular thing your way. Don't exclude mother-in-law's advice (make sure she knows that is what she is giving you, and that you may or may not use it) she may withdraw and have some really good advice one day.
I find that American mothers have particular financial savvy and genius that is very valueable! Ask her if she can stay with you while your mother IS there, I think that your mom might also be able to teach HER a thing or three: maybe even some Spanish!
**added**if you were to switch places with your husband, that is, if he were to have his mother stay and complained about your mother- it would actually seem racist.
2007-09-25 11:01:44 · answer #2 · answered by Xanadu 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are definitely right that your mother-in-law does not have the right to dictate who is going to stay in your house or who is going to be caring for the baby. Tell her that you appreciate her concern but that it's not necessary (or welcome) that she stays at the house for the same amount of time. Let her know she is welcome to visit during the day but she cannot spend the night. The key is to set up boundaries before the baby comes. Also, explain to your husband that regardless if he agrees or not, you aren't comfortable with his mom staying at the house and he should care about YOUR feelings. It's time to cut the cord from his mom and stand up for his wife (and child).
Also, explain to his mother that you mom will not be able to spend much time with the baby since she does not live close by. Maybe the MIL will see that she will have the remainder of the year to "bond" and visit with the new baby while you mom is not there.
Don't force your mom to a hotel just to please the mother-in-law. You have a say in what you want to happen in your home and it's ridiculous to cater to your husband's mother.
If she crosses the line and moves, quits her job, or tries to stay for longer than her welcome then tell her that she will not be welcome in your home in the future. Do NOT use the baby as a bargaining tool at any point. Just tell her that you will visit HER when it's a good time for you but she not to come to your house if she can't respect your boundaries.
Good luck! I know it's hard to deal with the in-laws!
2007-09-25 11:34:54 · answer #3 · answered by acatisacomintogetcha 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Unfortunately as the saying go, "Your marrying his family too".
Yes it seems dumb that she wants to stay with you when she is only 40 min away. Unless your husband is willing to stick up for you, you may have to just grin and bear it. You have to decide if fighting with your husband is worth keeping your Mother in law away from you.
The only thing I have ever seen work, is to ignor her. I have a Mother in law who I don't like. The best I can do is simply not invite her over or do anything with her, unless my wife asks. After a while she got the idea, and has stopped coming over.
2007-09-25 10:47:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would just ignore her and what she has to say.
When she brings up your mom tell her it is not up for discussion. It really is not her place to tell you how to relate to your family.
I think it is great that your mom is going to be able to stay with you and help out. Since your mom lives out side the US it would make sense for her to be staying a few months. Your mother in law sounds very jealous that your mom is coming. If she lives 40 minutes away there is no reason for her to stay with you as well. Your husband needs to tell his mother to back off as I am sure your mom will not be flying in for every holiday after she goes back to her own country.
2007-09-26 13:56:16 · answer #5 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why not get out a calendar and come up with a schedule, and let your MIL know that you understand her desire to be close to the baby and you want your child to have a good relationship with both her/his grandmother's. Let her know that she must not make so many big life changes such as job and home unless it is already something she wanted to do for herself. If you spent some time reassuring her that you WANT her in your life perhaps she would calm down with her outrageous declarations.
2007-09-25 10:48:44 · answer #6 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
For the sake of "family" do your best to include your MIL, even though she is acting somewhat childish, the new baby kind of makes grandmothers a little nuts. Both want to be included as they should be. Just explain to her about your mom and balance participation for both of them.
You know how your MIL is just do your best to handle her. She will probably lighten up when she sees your not excluding her.
2007-09-25 11:14:24 · answer #7 · answered by rainydaze 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would explain to this immature woman that the reason you are allowing your mother to stay for a bit is because of the physical distance between you two, and that otherwise, she would not be staying in your home for that amount of time. Let your MIL know that you are pleased that she is so excited to see the baby and that she is welcome at your home anytime, but her close proximity eliminates the need for her to stay with you.
2007-09-25 10:44:45 · answer #8 · answered by Rachel-Pit Police-DSMG 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Both grandparents need ample time with the baby. Your MIL is most likely that your mom will be spending so much more time with the baby than she will. I would suggest setting up a set schedule for when you will have the baby spend time with her so she doesnt feel left out.
2007-09-25 10:45:39 · answer #9 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Let your mother in law know she can visit, but you can take care of your own baby.
And if she complains about your mother again, let her know you and your mother live far apart, and you plan to enjoy her vacation with you.
Your mother in law is probably "jealous".. she needs to get a grip (and a life!)
2007-09-25 11:07:37 · answer #10 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋