My daughter is a typical teenager. Now when she gives me a smart attitude what is the proper punishment?

Question

My daughter is 13 as some of you already know. I am trying really hard to be patient etc. Now the thing is she has a bad attitude at times and getting on my nerves. She tells me "WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO UP TIGHT MOM"? I have noticed I have been on edge due to my own personal problems and she has been a little bit more testing with me. Now what I need advice is the consequenses. I do take away her T.V. time and other things but it seems it doesn't work. He attitude is "OK" and that is that. She doesn't get upset anymore over the punishment. I am really starting to get over the edge and she knows it. I know I can get over board on punishment because I get so anger. I don't hit her but I yell to get my point across. What should I do???

My daughter goes back and forth with her emotions. We do talk in a calmly matter and she is affectionate. I think a lot has to do with the kids in school. These girls have major attitude problems. So she watches them to fit in with them too. She just feels that I am being to strict. Right now I am attending a Pre teen class at church to help me understand teens today. But she requested to be part of this class too so we can work together but she has this bad attitude that she doesn't want to be there even though the Pastor says that the teens don't have to be. I am trying to encourage her so we both can have a better mother and daughter relationship. I am having her stay if she likes or not. It's even harder when her father who has not been a part of her life since he got married to his long time g/f of 12 years. I really feel alone at times.

Answer 1

Stay close to her. Eventually she will come around but it will probably take a few years. Be in it for the long hall. Don't punish her, try not to yell but don't let her push you around either. There is no one answer. It sounds like you care and she knows it. Just try to keep your sanity and realize that you are not alone.

Answer 2

Step back and take a breather, she is on the verge of becoming an adult, with all the stress and bother that comes with adulthood.
Dont ask her to do anything other than what is absolutely nessissary to the running of the house, when you see her, smile at her even if she doesn't smile back (thats her problem not yours) and keep treating her like she is important to you. (even if she does not seem appreciative)
Dont demand a super happy kid, being 13 aint much fun, just let her have some space and DEFINATELY STOP YELLING!
( you have enough on your shoulders without having to feel guilty for yelling at her- you wouldnt yell at an adult in the same way)
Just clarify to yourself the basic essentials required for her to be functioning in the house and cut her some slack on the rest of it. You are not going to be her favourite person right now, you're not 13. She will come to you when she needs you. Just do little things for her- with out expecting too much gratatude. Remember you love her even when she has an attitude and then start showing her.
When you discipline, dont yell, just very calmly talk and remove privillages. It doesnt have to be tv, it could be dessert, or time with friends or banning nail polish or jewellery or something that she equates with growing up.
Do it calmly and stick to your guns and even if she loses it she will be ok. The trick is stay calm and stick to your guns.
Planning ahead is also a good plan, if there is an issue that you keep having trouble with, especially if it makes you cranky and out of control, think of what you will do next time it happens and stick to it. She will be shocked you are not yelling. Keep in mind she may try to wind you up as a form of payback. So when you feel like shouting dont, just tell yourself she is trying to wind you up and you will not give in. Be aware of whats going on, remember that you are the adult. Just stay in control of yourself.
You are teaching her how to handle conflict.
Dont forget to comment when she has been ok or has done something good. - we forget sometimes and the little issues are the ones that get on our nerves. We neglect to see all the possitive stuff going on.
Just be encouraged - the fact that you would even try to find a solution or consider this thing from her point says that you are a great Mum! just keep going. Look for the positives, pick your battles and dont sweat the small stuff!

Answer 3

Wait... Lemme get this straight? You're taking away her TV because she asked why your getting so uptight? Most parents take the TV away when they catch their teenager drinking or getting high... I think you've gone way overboard on the punishments... And I dont mean to beef your parenting style, but damn she's 13, what do you expect? If she didnt have an attitude I'd be concerned... She'll get over it eventually so maybe you should get over it now... All you're doing is pushing her further away from you... Is that actually what you want right when she's entering her teenage years?

My mom pushed me away from her (not that we were ever close) and now I'm 17, a stoner, a recovering cocaine addict, a crystal meth user, a binge drinker... My drivers lisence was revoked 4 months after I got it for DUI, I've driven so drunk I couldnt walk... And guess what, if I was close to my mom, I would never have gotten behind the wheel, I would have called and asked her to come get me and the car... If we were close, there is no way I would be doing crystal meth at least once a week without her knowing... There is no way I would have goten addicted to cocaine without her knowing, I doubt I could have come home so drunk I was puking and passing out 5+ nights a week when I was 15 without her noticing if she'd been involved in my life... And if she ever decides she wants to be a part of it, I doubt I'll want her to be...
So would you rather know nothing about your daughter and punish her for being rude OR let her go through her rude stage, stay close with her and be involved in her life?

Answer 4

Think less on punishment and more on change in her social settings. Sounds, though like a vacation for just the two of you would work greatly, and maybe some counseling, or just spend some more time together doing things that both of you like doing together. But, give her some time to think about where she might like to go and what she might like to do, she is gaining Independence, be smart about what Independences you channel her into :) Give up on some things which aren't so important and be in adimit agreement about a few things that are. Chances are those important things she already knows about and agrees with. Re-adjust yourself to be a more open conversationalist at this stage - open communication should seem natural to her. Just get her talking about things she wants to talk about - listening is great! I would also apologize for being more stressed out than usual or what ever the case is.

Another great alternative would be to send her on a "vacation", only it would be a learning vacation where she would get to meet new people and learn things about life. Something which envolves helping people, yet something she'd be highly interested in. Good luck :)

Answer 5

You've got to separate your own stresses and irritability from the way you handle her misdeeds. It doesn't do your relationship with her any good, nor improve her behavior at all if you let your own frustrations loose on her. And yelling with teens doesn't help, it just shows them they can make you lose your cool. You've absolutely got to keep yourself under control.

Are you jumping on her for little things as well as big things? If you respond to everything as if it is a big deal, she'll tune out your punishments in no time. Take a moment to take a breath before you yell, and ask yourself, where does this infraction rank on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst things you can possibly imagine her doing. Anything below a five, ignore. 5-6, calmly and rationally talk to her about why it is a problem, and explain what you expect her to do differently. 7 do the same as 5-6, only add a loss of a privilege. 8, same as 7, only add more losses of privilege and some grounding time. 9, same as before with more severe losses and grounding. 10, same as before, but you lower the boom. All privileges gone, grounded for at least a month or more, everything stripped out of her room but clothes, bed, and personal necessities.

It takes a lot of effort to not just yell, but if you're going to retain your proper position as parent and authority figure, you have to moderate your responses properly. I'll bet you completely unsettle her the first time you don't yell when punishing her, she won't expect it. Good luck!

Answer 6

You need some help. Who takes over for you when you're at the end of your rope? Somebody needs to. The only thing that cures "13" is time. You could try a counselor, but when my daughter was 13 with ODD I didn't find counselors to be helpful; actually, I found them to be very judgmental and condemning. You could try mediation. And you really, really have to find a way to get a handle on your own personal problems. You might try a support group for whatever your personal problems are. There are support groups for just about everything. The thing about 13 year olds is that you're not going to get the response you want, and if you do, it'll be faked. You just keep giving reasonable, logical, time-limited consequences, and believe they will eventually make an impression; and pray. She needs to get extra chores when she behaves badly. You could "fine" her, but when I did that to my daughter her counselor got very upset. (I started the fine at 50c and raised it by 50c every time she engaged in truancy; the counselor didn't like the consequences I gave, said they were unfair; I came close to going to jail because the kid wouldn't go to school.) Good luck.

Answer 7

I think she has noticed a weakness and is taking advantage of it. It's obvious you have some things going on with yourself as well and she probably detects this throiugh your actions and maybe even your mood. I recommend not to get uptight. Instead let her know that she will not be allowed to participate. Children in this age range are reliant on their peers. This is their stronghold. Instead of taking the tv away, isolate her for an evening or weekend. Get a sitter to watch her and go enjoy yourself. When you get home be happy and not so edgy. Let her know how much better it would have been to take her but you refuse to until she starts acting like a young adult. I don't know if this will work but, I wish you the best.

Answer 8

You have to decide whether to treat he as a child or an adult. She's at a stage where she doesnt know which she is and you are probably not making it any easier for her.She is accepting punishment without getting upset which shows you that punishment is not working - so why do it? Have you had a serious discussion with her about her attitude - without getting angry and shouting at her. Were you an angel at that age. Try cutting her some slack.

Answer 9

Like you said she is a typical teenager, she will grow out of the attitude stage. Instead of taking things away, since that doesn't bother her, make her clean things around the house while she is grounded. Also kids don't hear us when we yell, it is as if they are immune to it. Talk softly so she has to try harder to hear what you are saying that way you know she is listening. Don't worry you only have about 5 more years of the attitude stage.

Answer 10

Ignore her bad behaviour!!!!! (say for 2 weeks not unless its really bad when i mean ignore i mean dont punish her)

Your daughter is doing this for attention she is trying to find her pecking order at this age. All kids need barriers not to cross over so they feel safe and loved. So for 2 weeks dont punish her and see the difference. she will start to be more loving in her way or she will play up more. What i am trying to say is kids/teenagers need to know where the line is and if they cross it there are consequences same as adults in the real world. Good luck