to mums, am i overreacting or is this cause for concern?

Question

I'm concerned about my friends baby. Since birth, I have held many concerns for the baby but every time someone has tried suggesting things the mum gets upset and the dad has let most decisions be made by the mum (in regards to feeding, sleeping and bathing routines). Both mum and dad visited my not long ago and the baby is now 13 months old. She is probably 9kgs (is this small?) and seemed so small. yes she comes from a petite father but she seems so small for her age and doesnt eat much. Her mum fed her vegetables (beans, carrot and brocolli steamed) and half the time she chucked it. porriage for breakfast, sometimes a banana or a piece of bread here and there and probably 1 jar of baby food a day (if that). and only drinks water and maybe one breast feed a day. this doesnt seem right for a growing toddler who is really active!! i'm not a mum yet so dont want to judge but i'm concerned. also i may be fussy but i plan on bathing my own kids daily, even twice daily yet this kid..TBC

...isn't bathed at all. the dad may say "i think she needs a wash, we'll put her in the shower tonight". so a bath is probably once a week (sometimes twice). this kid is allowed to crawl on shopping plaza floors, eats with its fingers as most children do and wears the same set of clothes for between 1-3 days. i looked in her ears and they looked dirty. she also has this smell now (compared to younger where she didnt smell much). they clean her after food but she still wears the same clothes and the clothes are grotty. i know i'm fussy but i feel for this kid! should a baby be bathed more often at this age and what about feeding? am i overreacting? I cant say anything as in the past i've been snapped at and the child is happy enough so dont feel right to say anything any more. i'm not sure what i expect as an answer but need to know i am not feeling for this kid and weather something does need to be said, or hinted, one day.... thanks in advance :-)

Answer 1

Sounds as if an anonymous tip to social services may do some good here. Just phone them and explain your concerns. They will investigate before taking any actions. Rest assured, if they notice abuse or neglect, they will act.

Answer 2

Presumably this child is under a health care system? Theyw ill be keeping an eye on her health. If the child is happy enough, don't worry. There should be no real reason to bath a child twice a day - that is overkill. Is there a grandmother in the picture?
I think you might have caused offence in the past with your comments, so if you do say anything, you will risk rupturing your friendship. I would shut up, leave the mum to do her thing and when you have your own children, you can be the kind of mother you want to be. You say the child is happy, she's obviously not mistreated. So being tactful is probably the best thing you can do - you can always be there for them to lend an ear to, which is when you can come up with yur advice.

Answer 3

This is a difficult one isn't it. It's hard to be non-judgmental about people's lifestyles if they're different from our own. On one hand it's no-one's business how this couple bring up their baby - on the other, there might be something wrong. Not everyone wants to wash and it's not a crime to let the baby crawl on the floor. You say she seems happy and active and also leaves some of the food she's offered so is probably not desperately hungry. If she were starving she'd be ravenous and eat anything she could lay her hands on. Do you think this mother might have post natal depression? Is this slovenliness out of character for her? If it's not normal for her to be like this then perhaps she's depressed and letting things slide. If, though, she's always been on the grubby side then it's probably just their way of life. Have you spoken to this girl about how she feels? If you think she is depressed, maybe you can persuade her or the father to get her to see her GP. How about the girl's mother or the Health Visitor? What do they think? Alternatively, you could get the opinion of an older woman - not someone with a new baby - someone with adult children and some experience of life before you do anything really drastic.

Answer 4

Hi sweetie,
I am a mom of three and hmmmm.... something doesnt seem right with your friend. The parenting style you have described seems to have some kinks in it. I am wondering if the parents act this way out of lack of experience, laziness, or perhaps they have some really far-out beliefs about feeding and bathing. Unfortunatly, there is really not much you can do to "help" that would not be construed as interferance. The fasted way to end a friendship is to criticize, even when you mean well and one of the touchiest subjects is children. Our basic instincts are to protect our children and criticism can often be seen as a threat, so tread carefully. Try asking questions without a trace of judgement in your voice, such as " She seems like such a peanut, what did the doctor say about her weight?" Or make jokes.... "Boy, I would hate to see what I would smell like if I didnt shower for a week!!" Make it light and easy, but maybe they will get the point. If nothing changes, well, at least you tried. I sympathize with your situation. It must be so hard to sit back and watch a child be treated in a way you feel is wrong and not be able to intervene. Good luck, lilla, My heart is with you.

Answer 5

She's on the growth chart in the 5th percentile for weight for age. That's not a bad thing, it just means that she is with in "normal" range for her age. Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters. They also have sporadic frustrating eating habits. It is perfectly normal for a toddler to refuse most food that is offered and appear to live on nothing but air for days at a time and then eat everything in site.

Count on inconsistency. For young children, what and how much they are willing to eat may vary daily. This capriciousness is due in large part to their ambivalence about independence, and eating is an area where they can act out this confusion. So don't be surprised if your child eats a heaping plateful of food one day and practically nothing the next, adores broccoli on Tuesday and refuses it on Thursday, wants to feed herself at one meal and be totally catered to at another. As a parent in our practice said, "The only thing consistent about toddler feeding is inconsistency." Try to simply roll with these mood swings, and don't take them personally.



Here is website that is maintained by a well known, respected pediatrician. It might help you understand things a little bit better. You could even forward it on to your friend.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/T030800.asp#T031200

Answer 6

Every baby varies in growth weight,The main concern is this baby being cared for properly.If the baby appears to be happy and healthy.It sounds like the mother is feeding her proper food what you have said.You are better off just keeping a look in on this toddler. if you notice any neglect or ill treatment to this child say something to the parents but be prepared to loose thier friendship.

Answer 7

Wow, I can not believe this actually happens!
First: she has to be fed regularly and she needs to be given variety of foods. She's an active, growing child, and she needs vitamins and minerals.
(She does seem small, so I guess she need some artificial vitamins, maybe tablets, etc).
Second: My God, they bathe her once a week?!?!?! I bathe my children twice a day if necessary. This is a really big alert! She can get sick from all the bacteria! She touches everything and puts in her mouth anything it can fit!
This child needs to be taken care of.
Trust me, everything you stated here is a major cause for concern!