My husband and i have been married for 3 years and he is currently deployed. I got an email from him saying that he cant see our marriage lasting because of our split before he joined. He said that he will never be able to let that go. We were fine after we got back together and we were fine until he joined the army. Now, It seems as if he just dpesnt love me anymore. I think it has to do with money problems and the Army puting **** in his head. They are ruining our marriage. What can i do to get us back to where we were before he left. Is this normal? I love him so much but it seems that it isnt enough. He doesnt get R&R until december and i dont think i can hang on to him that long. What can i do? I am so confused. Help me please:(
2007-09-23 21:51:22 · 13 answers · asked by Baby boy due March 16th 2010 3 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
i have not gained weight thanks...trust me this is not physical...its mental!
2007-09-23 22:24:19 · update #1
You might gently remind him that you're both in stressful situations right now and it would probably be a good idea to wait until you're at least face to face before discussing any drastic changes. It would be even better not to make any sudden moves until he's been home for a few months and you've both had some time to really re-evaluate the relationship.
If the reason you broke up was resolved when you got back together then remind him of that. Hopefully this was something you both discussed and worked out before marrying. Let him know what you learned from that breakup that makes you a better person and a better wife for him now.
And yes, to a certain extent this is normal. There could be a lot of factors playing into it. As has been mentioned here, he's under tremendous strain followed by lots of time to just think. It's crazy what our minds will come up with under those conditions. He could be trying to break it off with you to relieve fear on his part that he won't come home thinking it would be "easier" on you if you were already apart. He could be buying in to the almost epic stories of cheating by spouses both in the troops and at home. He could be testing the waters a bit to see what you'll say back. He could really mean it. Unfortunately you won't know what it is until he gets back. Hopefully then you can work it out.
That doesn't mean that there's nothing else you can do while he's gone though. Getting help for yourself so that you're ready to deal with whatever becomes of this situation would be a good idea. Consider finding a counselor for yourself. Tricare pays for a set number of sessions that you can self prescribe. Ask your doctor for recommenations. Or check with the Chaplain's office or the base family support center. They may actually have counselors on staff depending on their funding. Or try http://www.militaryonesource.com/skins/MOS/home.aspx. They also have a 24/7 help line you can call.
I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
2007-09-24 02:57:42 · answer #1 · answered by Critter 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
As an ex-Air Force officer, I have gone through a lot things. One of the first things I got was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is where the war won't go away in your dreams. You are sure people do not understand you. You want to alone in a dark room away from everyone. Go to post shrink, explain the situation. He can contact the doctors over there and the problem will slowly give way to the fact that you love him and he loves you. When he finally gets back the Military has consoling sessions for families in trouble. It has a good percentage of success. If it works great. If it does not work you are no worse off than you are now.
Remember marriage is a two way street. You have to give 60% and he has to give 60%. Just try to be understanding and not confrontational. Listen to his problems. He has a lot more than you do. Write abut what is going on at home. his family, sports, the weather, basically anything except the problem. Don't antagonize a already bad situation. When he gets home slowly discuss your problems together with the help of military support groups.
2007-09-23 23:15:40 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This could be somewhat common. Over there so many soldiers get dear john letters and other wives writing to tell them their done cant do it anymore..husbands/wives finding out spouses are cheating and even in the strongest of marriages it makes them think/worry that could happen to them. Some might just shut down so they don't get hurt. My husband was even a little worried that i would want to leave because this last deployment was so hard. I would just keep reassuring him that you love him and are ready to support him through this deployment and after and there's no way to tell if a marriage will last til your together and can face each other everyday.
Also if he's been over there for a few months he may be just going through a spat of depression. This could boil over.
good luck..i hope this does work out for you.
2007-09-24 01:34:23 · answer #3 · answered by hlboin_2005 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If the Army put s*#t into my head, I would have dumped my wife years ago. The fact is that he is in a war zone, under stress and when not worrying about things like exploding roads or being shot at, he has a lot of time to reflect on things. Since it appears (from what you say) that your marriage wasn't exactly the strongest one on record, he's had a lot of time to reevaluate the situation of his marriage and has reached the conclusion that it won't work. I don't know what to tell you other than to try and provide him some reinforcement (via letters or emails) that things will work out and that you at least want to give it a try.
I hope things work out for you. My wife stood by me during my deployement to Desert Storm and through 13 years of a 20 year military career.
2007-09-23 22:27:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 0⤋
From the sounds of it things weren't all that strong before he joined the Army, you state that you were split up for what ever reasons and that finances aren't all that good now. He is in an extremely stressful situation at the present time, please shore him up with your love, lot's of letter's with little or no complaints about what is going on, stay up beat no matter how hard things are for you he is going through a lot rougher times than you are. As all the others have suggested get involved with the wives group, and reach out to the Chaplin on base or your own minister these things may help make your life a little easier and in turn give him less to worry about. When our hubby's are in the Military we have to be strong for them, they have chosen to do something wonderful for their country and we need to support it not blame it for our own short comings. Navy wife during Viet Nam and mother of three that currently serve our country... God Bless you and your hubby, I will keep your family in my prayers...
2007-09-24 01:46:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
alot of guys get really stressed out well deployed and that stress plus there job duties take a big toll on them.He's not exactly in a perfect mind state as he was before he left.Hes prbbly alot more worried about things.especially you.More then likely hes thinkin that if you guys split up before that u might leave him now that hes gone.My husbands in the army and i can tell u alot of the husbands fears are about there wives leaving them or cheating on them when they get deployed.They are in a totally different mind frame over there and I dont think he completly want to leave you.its not an excuse for him making you feel this way though.You do need to talk to him or send him an email reassuring him of ur love and commitment to him. Honestly this is a pretty normal thing in the military.ive seen this happened alot with couples.and ive seen most of there hsubands come back acting as normal as they were before they left.Just dont cheat on him or leave him until you can talk to him in person on R&R.Its rough but hang in there.Communication is the key hun.Good luck!
2007-09-23 22:18:01 · answer #6 · answered by oinksaysthepig 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
You should waite till you are both face to face to discuss anything. You should let him know how you feel about the marriage and want to continue the difficult relationship and talk when he returns. You need to be the strong one because you dont know if this is him letting you know how he feels about being seperated. With you blaming it on the Army might make him feel like you dont want him in the Army anymore. Let him fulfill his obligation and realize this could be his dream to serve his country.
I hope everything works out for both of yall. Good Luck
SSG Schramm
US Army 15 years
Married 15 years
OIF 2003
US Army Recruiter
2007-09-24 00:04:51 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
all you can do unfortunatley is wait. Maybe him seeing you in person will bring back thoughts of what is good.
You need to join one of the wifes clubs that they have for women who's husbands are deployed they are great at listening and also helping.
He is in a very tough place where things seem out of place that are not.
He is now at a place where his mortality is a real thing thus he is over thinking a lot of things. Just take it easy and talk to other wifes. Many have probably been though what you are going through.
2007-09-23 22:11:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 7⤊ 0⤋
nothing you can do.. or SHOULD do until he gets back.. and not for R&R, wait until the end of the deployment to do anything drastic. In the meantime, seek counseling for yourself.. use Military One Source as a start. It's free.
Military life does change people.. and combat more so. But if he isn't willing to meet you halfway, there is only so much you can do on your own. He has to want this too.
2007-09-24 00:49:03 · answer #9 · answered by Mrsjvb 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I can't speak on the relationship part, but
I was the soldier's and sailors Relief Act specialist for Discover card for 7 years. Talk to your Judge Advocate about the SSRA and they can help with the financial end.
2007-09-24 14:44:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋