We have been together 21 yrs and married 18 yrs. He was always a very loving person but for several months now he has been yelling at our children all the time. He has had a lot going on. He has had 2 knee replacements in a years time on the same knee and he can no longer work. I know that is really bothering him and he is always in pain. I just don't know what to do. I can't stand him yelling and cussing at our children, they are teens. Also his brother and his children are pretty well staying with us while they get their place ready to move into, which is an extra sourse of stress. My husband complains cuz we are not having sex but he has been so hateful lately that I can't stand the idea of being intimate with him. I'm too mad at him cuz of the way he's been treating people. We are going to start counseling, all of us.
I guess my question is what should I do? I love him with all my heart, I just can't stand the way he is right now.
2007-09-23 20:01:48 · 24 answers · asked by sara 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He was the primary wage earner so we can't afford to go away. I hope it will help. He has seen a medical Dr. and was put on anti-depressants which hasn't healped much. The Dr. seems to think that his grouchy behavior is cuz of all the pain he is in.
2007-09-25 17:10:41 · update #1
sounds like hes had a rough time..you too. definitely tell him to lay off the yelling at kids before you wig out on him. Other than that, sounds like his plate is full. Anyone would get cranky. Sometimes you lose your ability to deal with even the smallest stressful situations when your not catching a breather in between problems. the sex thing is hard because a lot of women need to feel close before they feel like it and thats hard when the male is being a butthead, but a lot of men need it in order to feel close. Its a fun cycle huh?
2007-09-23 20:13:22 · answer #1 · answered by akamberbell 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like this time in your is a little hard on your loving ways. The question is how much more can you take? So lets see... The next time you feel the need to change you personality to fit the moment. Stop for one second and remember that you are not the yelling and screaming type.
Adding to the yelling can't help. stay calm and maybe your husband will take notice and follow your lead. If all else fails find a way to take a break. A walk always sounds like a good idea but seldom helps. Find a way to split for a few days.
Once your gone for a bit someone might take notice that you have feeling too. I wish you the best of luck!
2007-09-23 20:17:22 · answer #2 · answered by DANNY M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This might sound stupid but... Could he be addicted to his pain meds? That can make people very irritable. I don't know how long he's taken them or if he still takes them but you might want to check into that. And yes, from all this going on, I wouldn't be surprised if he's extremely irritable. Being in pain all the time can make you want to punch somebody if they bother you or even if they are just being too loud or something that otherwise wouldn't bother you. There is probably too much noise, too many people, too much pain and he probably feels useless because he can't work. I have kidney problems and had like 12 surgeries and procedures in the past two years, maybe even more than 12. I understand exactly how he feels. It makes you angry for many reasons. Try to be there for him, try and help him feel like more of a man. That's what he needs.
EDIT: It is amazing to me that people actually write books on what should be common sense. Maybe I'll write one, since somehow I seem to have stumbled upon the same knowledge all by my lonesome. That's insane.
2007-09-23 20:25:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are on the right track if you are going to counseling. You also need to get the extra family out of your house while you are dealing with this sensitive problem of he not being able to work. He feels that he has lost his ability to take care of his family, therefore he feels that he is not useful in any way. He wants you to have sex to prove his manhood. Tell all in the counseling sessions so that the problems can be resolved. Try to find a time when he is in a decent mood and surprise him with sex. That will help some temporarily.
2007-09-23 20:10:22 · answer #4 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously like u said he has a lot going on - a lot of pressure, first and foremost as a wife u have to do whatever u can do to relieve some of this tension - including sex. He has to relax and have the pressure taken off. Sex will help initially, especially really great sex that is all about him - dont make him do any work, let him lye back and enjoy it. Then do whatever u can to take away any other pressure you can - send the kids away for a few days to a friends or something. I know as a wife of ten years now that we have to sometimes do things we dont want or even feel like doing for the better of the situation - u have to just suck it up and take charge. Pamper him. Do WHATEVER you can to relieve any stress. Remember, we did say in sickness or health, for better or for worse, and sometimes we have to live up to it.
2007-09-23 20:11:59 · answer #5 · answered by birdyblondie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well sara you have a couple options, but you may not like any of them
I suggest you start by reading the book "his needs, her needs; By willard Harley jr. The reson I suggest this one is if his need for "sex is going unmet then he is " vurnerable to another woman" He may not be seeing any one, and if he angry all the time this is a safe bet. but sooner or later one will "calm him down" and then your in trouble.
Part of the problem is yes he has stress, but he has no outlet for it. a woman talks to his friends, and vents, but men are told we can;t do this. we are not supposto "SHOW" emotions, and with him not working he is not "FEELING" like he is your "STUD" right now.
your choice is to help restore his confidence, or run away.
another book that might help you is
Woman Power, "Proper care and feeding of a husband" GREAT BOOK
suggest you plan some "ALONE" time with your mate. have a little sex, and help calm him down a bit. try something different to "rock his world a bit' let go of your anger, because all it's doing is fuieling his "fire" and making the problem worse.
Old saying: Fight fire with fire is SOOOO WRONG. use water works better.
Suggest you plan a seduction, fun for you because you can get his motor running, and after words you can have a heart to heart, and find out what is bugging hi the most. "try listening to him for a change." in a non-judgemental fashion, and you might be suprized what "FEAR"S he may share with you.
Well GL, and God Bless.
2007-09-23 20:33:11 · answer #6 · answered by Sully 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pain is a terrible thing.
I know it is hard, but try to be patient. And try to be kind, nice and good to him. Maybe your kindness will help him be nicer. Even try having sex with him; it will likely make him nicer and help him to tolerate the pain.
In the end though, he is responsible for his behavior. And you and your children should not be living in an abusive situation.
It is a hard situation. You basically have two choices. You can stick by him "for better or for worse" or you can choose to protect yourself and your children from this abusive behavior. I was married to someone bi-polar and subjected to lots of verbal and physical abuse. I chose to leave and have not regretted it for one moment. My mother is still married to my father who is very abusive, but also sick with bi-polar. After 50 years of marriage, I feel sorry for her, because she is so miserable. She has anxiety attacks and has heart diseise and also survived stage three colon cancer... which I blame on the way she is treated by my father. But I also find her actions admirable. I know without her, my father would be dead.
You must decide what you can tolerate. Also, will the pain get better?, if so, the old person will likely reappear. Just make sure that you do not get to the point where you hate him or feel indifferent about him. Or you will never be able to forgive him for his terrible behavior.
2007-09-23 20:21:17 · answer #7 · answered by goodgirl_undercover 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you could try to be more understanding you listed quite a few things that would drive anyone over the edge and to top it off you withhold sex from him. I am sorry but no man would be in a good mood with all that has happened and is going on. get him out the house for a day or a weekend away or do something don't just get an attitude toward him try to help.
2007-09-23 20:07:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know what, babe? You could try an evening alone...just you two. Maybe even a weekend, if thats possible. Talk to him, as you are talking to us now. Tell him how you feel.
When he starts to get puffed up and raises his voice, don't raise yours. Just let him say what he needs to say then continue. Hear him out. You may be able to understand him better if you do.
If you get on a slightly good level after the conversation, make love to him.
But still follow up with counseling.
2007-09-23 20:09:01 · answer #9 · answered by Virgo's Eternal Reign 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
see my dear friend i can understand your feelings you love your husband so much in the same way does he love you if so then why dont you had a sex with him
understand your husband feelings and be according to him other wise do one thing sit with him one day ask him that what is the problem he is facing convience him nowadays there are many ways to solve a problem if he is disturbed either physically or mentally take to him a good doctor and give him a treatment the best treatement to your husband will be the words of you which you speak to him
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2007-09-23 20:14:46 · answer #10 · answered by amrutha n 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋