I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. I'm currently in my last semester of college and I just got a full-time job. The job pays crap and I'm not lying either. But, it's a foot in the door at a company w/ loads of personal growth potential.
My boyfriend works full-time. We both had financial difficulties, but mine are almost cleared up. His should take another 6 months to clear up.
I'm frustrated b/c I feel like we are at a great time in our lives to move to the next step. A wedding won’t be able to happen until at least 2009, but I feel an engagement is appropriate at this time.
When I bring it up he says, "I know we want to be together. But, we both still have a lot of things to work out in our personal lives (mainly financial and w/ job security)"
I just don't feel content with this answer. But, I don't want to pressure him either. Like I said, I'd be willing to have a 18 month engagement.
2007-09-23 18:19:38 · 13 answers · asked by Miss Answers 2007 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Also, I've decided to give our relationship and "expiration date" if you will. Not to be cold or selfish. But, I've decided if no proposal has happened by late 2008 or early 2009...which will be around our 4.5-5 year mark. I'm ending our relationship.
I'm just not going to invest more then 5 years in a relationship that isn't headed for marriage.
Am I right in this? I'm not letting him know about this. But, I've decided this for myself.
What do you think about that?
What should I do? Like I said, I don't want to pressure him into marrying me, if he truly (meaning in terms of money/job security) isn't ready.
What should I say in a conversation to him about all of this, without sounding like I'm going to leave him in the dust.
I REALLY DO LOVE HIM...we've been together 3 years and be through LOTS of personal pain/family crisis and heartbreak.
But, I'm not waiting around for him to marry me either. We are 24 (me) and 30(him)
2007-09-23 18:20:44 · update #1
Orange Kitty........I was brought up middle class. Plus, it does pay crap for the area I live in. But for my first job out of college it has AMAZING potential.
Plus, I have a second job too.
If you are trying to look better then me, you just made yourself look like a fool..
2007-09-23 18:32:27 · update #2
Plus, Orange Kitty.....my boyfriend makes pretty good money.
Just b/c I was raised middle class doesn't mean I've got money.
BUT, lots of my family members and friend's from home who are getting married do.
2007-09-23 18:35:47 · update #3
If it hasn't happened already, it probably won't happen without being pressured...and that is just wrong.
**Bad karma.
2007-09-23 18:27:32 · answer #1 · answered by WorldTraveler 4 · 4⤊ 5⤋
I am an old lady myself, and this is the advice I got from my Grandmother. "Most weddings only happen because the woman MAKES them happen. Nine out of ten married women I know are married because they told their men 'It's time to either get hitched or call it quits.' The only way to get a marry you is to want to get married so bad that you'd rather look for someone else than spend the rest of your life dithering with your current fellow."
So I'm with you 110%. It's time to tell your man something like "Going steady is for kids. I'm too old for this. You have 6 months to think about it, and I won't mention this again for the next 5 & 1/2 months. But after that 6 months, either you and I are engaged, and setting a date -- or it's time to start seeing other people." And then keep your word and drop it for 24 weeks. Then remind him that he has 2 weeks to give his "final answer."
Warning: a lot of men "bolt" when this deadline comes. Let him. Pretty much ignore him except for a once-a-month date. Make sure that you treat him as an occasional date, not as a boyfriend or even a "still good friends" friend. Let him imagaine that he is really losing you. Sometime men just don't value what they have until they lose it ( or think they've lost it.) But it might take him a full year after you "leave him" before he decides he can't live without you. Whether you leave the "Please take me back" option open for him or not is up to you.
2007-09-24 02:13:42 · answer #2 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't pressure him at all or he will end up resenting you, if he is not ready to marry just yet there is nothing you can do to change his mind, it does not mean he won't marry you in the future just that he is "not there" yet. I think it is sensible to get your financial issues sorted out first and make sure you are well along your career paths before getting married. I do think it is a good idea to put a "time limit" on things, some people just never want to get married and if it is something that means a lot to you then you don't want to be in a relationship with no prospect of marriage, ever. However I would not let this become an ultimatum and I would not say to your b/f that you intend to dump him in so many years if he has not proposed as that is putting more pressure on him. Keep that thought to yourself for the time being.
2007-09-23 20:29:28 · answer #3 · answered by sparkleythings_4you 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you truely love him you will keep waiting, but also, you guys should have an open enough relationship to let each other know how you truely feel. Your "expiration date" thing is very childish. Marriges don't work with petty games like that.
It won't kill you to not be engaged yet. We dated/lived together for 7 years before he poped the question. Then picked a date 1 and 1/2 years out.
If you love him you will talk to him. And listen to him. And be patient and understanding. And he will be the same with you.
2007-09-24 03:48:09 · answer #4 · answered by perfect_blue_and_blond 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is something that is will be very difficult to give advice on. My husband and I were together for 3 years before he proposed. We had talked about marriage and he said that we both had things we needed to work out. I just left it at that for a couple of months. And then I had to ask him what we needed to work out, so that we could actually do it. I asked him not to take more than a week thinking about the things we had to work out (he needs time to think and not be put on the spot.). He did come up with some things.
Plan how you are going to work these things out together. And if you really have to next year is a leap year, you could propose.
Its really frustrating, but many of my friends were just getting to that frustration stage and a couple of months later, they were engaged.
2007-09-23 23:07:57 · answer #5 · answered by Emlou 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i just don't get it. why do you want to break up with him when you say you truly love him? if you guys are both in financial debt, then clear them up first before you do anything else; please don't go too far into the future yet :) you've still got lots of time to plan things, and what you said about your financials clearing up and your boyfriends not for another 6 months, don't pressure him into spending money while he's already in debt. and please don't be unsure about the relationship just yet. he's probably really worried about his debts and you're his only comfort at the moment; he can't do anything special for you because of all the problems, but he's glad you're by his side :) just wait until everything's cleared up, and you guys can sit down and talk about your relationship and your future then. in the end, if he really was just worried about his financial problems, and you were just... there, then you should move on, and he should move on. despite whatever happens, i wish you luck!
2007-09-23 18:33:27 · answer #6 · answered by Sophattack;; 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are totally right with what you have been saying. It's like either you would want to take your relationship somewhere or there is no point. I agree.
Tell him there is no rule saying you have to be financially stable and have the perfect job to get engaged because tones of people would not get engaged if this was a rule. But it's not. I am in a similar situation. My fiance and I finish university and get proper jobs in June next year and I didn't think we should have to wait until then just to get engaged. We get engaged in March this year and had already been together for just under 4 years and knew we wanted to get married one day. I said we can still get engaged and we are getting married in November next year when we will have jobs. My fiance agreed to that because at least I can start planning the wedding and have a long engagement. Tell your boyfriend this and maybe he will agree. I just don't think getting engaged should be determined by your job or educational status. Just talk to him and tell him what I have told you, but gently, you don't want to pressure him into it then he might regret it latter. As for my own opinion, I think, from what you have said, it is a great time for you to get engaged, then you have something to aim for and look forward to. It gives your future more direction and meaning I think. Good luck!
2007-09-23 18:36:33 · answer #7 · answered by BTB2211 5 · 1⤊ 3⤋
If you really do love him, and you talk about marriage, then you should NOT put an expiration date on when you are going to be engaged.
He is smart. He wants to wait until you are both settled and finances are almost cleared up before making that huge step towards an engagement.
2007-09-24 06:56:23 · answer #8 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him his 6 months to get on his feet. I don't blame him for not wanting to make any commitments, if he has not gotten his finances cleared up yet. After that, I would tell him that it is time to sh#t or get off the pot. You are right not to invest more than 5 years. You can't get those young years back. I wasted 12, and ended up having to start over. I was twelve years older going through the same things I had done when I was younger. It was a total waste of my life!!
2007-09-23 18:27:05 · answer #9 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
just let him know you love him and tell him that you are willing to be engaged for 18months or longer. that you really do love him and you have already been through so much together. and that you know you both will make it in a marrige. tell him you are willing to be engaged until you are both stable with good jobs. you know. and tell him that no matter how bad things may seem it will all be ok. and with the love you both have for each other you can make it through anything.
ok that is what i think you should say. and it is not to pressure him but let him know your willing. and let him know the engagment ring dont have to be exspensive. as long as it dont turn your finger green you are happy.
2007-09-23 18:28:55 · answer #10 · answered by tommysgurl_4502214 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what you think is right for you and if walking away is right, you might as well do it sooner rather than later. Ultimatums are really the clue that whatever you're doing is not working and if he's not ready and you are - it's not gonna get any easier when your time is up.
2007-09-23 18:28:38 · answer #11 · answered by Lex 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋