I am a single dad with custody of the kids. Their mother is no longer involved with them. Went back to court for their mother to have supervised visits only. It was granted. She said that I better take care of the kids because she would not be seeing them for a long time. Her and her new boyfriend are both in trouble with the law for drugs and a lot of other things. After court she was arrested for her warrants. Some how, she bailed out. she called me and told me she was moving to another state over 700 miles away. My babies are 11 and 6, How can a mother just leave her kids? Even though she is not in the best of situations, I guess it is a lot easier to run from her problems. I guess I just don't know how to explain to the kids she will not be around. My daughter still cries for her. What am I to do?
2007-09-23 18:17:13 · 21 answers · asked by Bones 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
That breaks my heart!!!!! I am soooo sorry. I would tell them some of the truth. I would tell them that mommy had to go away for awhile, Because mommy got in trouble. I do not know when mommy will come back but I know that she loves you and I love you. You might need to try some counseling?
2007-09-23 18:24:04 · answer #1 · answered by Katy Lew 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
K I will start with IM SO SORRY! this does not sound like anything I would EVER wish upon any one!
Second im not a parent nor do I come from a split family but this is what I would think might help:
Explain that mommy still loves them, but is going through some really hard times and can't be around. that she doesn't want the kids so see her in these rough times and that this is whats better for them. Don't lie to them and try to answer there questions as objectively as you can, don't make her look horrible it is still their mom after all, but don't just say oh mommys gone! they do need to know the truth! Maybe not every detail but they will appreciate your hoensty if not now , in the long run. Let them know that this is just as hard for you and that you need to stick together to get through this. Offer them any help they may need be it through you or school or so on. Just be supportive, understanding and patient. IM sure this is going to be very hard for all of you and I wish you the best! I don't know how a mother could leave there children either. If I am able to have kids I would want to be with them every chance I could! I don't get some people!!
Now its your turn, show them your love, and be the best paretn you can be! And don't be afraid to get help for your slef either! You'll probably need a helping hand with two kids!
GOOD LUCK and I hope something I said helped!! I know im not in your shoes and not even a parent, but I hope I am able to give a little good advice!!
2007-09-23 18:31:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like Ashley W. response. I had the same thing happen only it was dad that disappeared. He tried to come back into my daughters life when she was 12 and she rejected him. She told him that mommy makes a better daddy them he ever could. We have no idea where he is or even if he is alive. My daughter turned out super great! I was honest with her from little on. I never lied to her about her father, about why he left or why we broke up. I never bad mouthed him, at least not around her. I would tell her stories about fun things we use to do together. By no means did I ever make him out to be superman. Mostly, I just told her that some people (her dad) just couldn't handle being a parent, they need room to roam. It didn't mean that he loved her any less, he was just selfish and always thought of himself before others. I always made sure that she knew I was there for her and I never ever made a promise I could not keep! If I could not guarentee it, I would simply say I will try. She cried off and on for about a year, then she stopped crying. When she was a little older, about 14 then I started telling her other things, like the drugs, ect. I wish you luck, feel free to contact me if you need a friend. Good parents need to stick together.
2007-09-23 21:36:04 · answer #3 · answered by pony 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was dating a guy whos ex was not not showing up for her supervised visits. It truly caused more pain for the child. The mom would get her all excited and than bail on her and it caused a lot of emotional problems for the little girl.
My reason for telling you this when the mom was not around and not messing with her childs emotion we talked and explained to her that mommy loved her very much but mommy was unable to be there for her. That she was still loved and was a good little girl. When the mom kept going in and out if made it very hard for the child to deal with it and she had to keep living it over and over.
There really is no easy way to tell your kids. I suggest since your daughter is having a hard time to keep a picture of mommy near her bed and at nightime tell her to kiss mommy ( the picture and tell her goodnight) That way she always has her near her.
I truly wish you the best of luck and glad your kids have such a great dad. If u ever need to talk send me an email. I am a great listner and have been there myself so I know where u are coming from.
dowlingchristy@yahoo.com
2007-09-23 18:34:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. I can see where you are between a rock and a hard place here.
No mother should be able to leave her kids...this particular mother seems to believe drugs and her boyfriend are her top priorities at this point.
If I was you I would contact a therapist or look at some therapist sites to get some advice before I sat down and talked to the kids. This is a pretty harsh situation for children and losing one parent at such young ages is very difficult.
Until you can get that advice I would just be there for them and say..mommy cannot be here right now but I am going to take care of you, and protect you, and I love you very much...Just remind them of things..let them know things are NOT their fault (when the time comes for this) and that some people make decisions when they are not at their best and those decisions are not always good ones.
I am sorry you got stuck holding the bag (having to explain) on this one..I really would seek the advice of a child therapist before telling them anything. This can be a very touchy subject and you want them to still feel safe, loved, and protected and to know that YOU are never going to leave them.
That is the best I can give you right now...best of luck to you!!
2007-09-23 18:27:14 · answer #5 · answered by Nae 5 · 5⤊ 0⤋
We went through the exact same thing, though my mom bailed a lot sooner than your wife did. In any case, children deserve honesty - just only give them what they can handle at this point. I wouldn't bad mouth her in front of them, but at the same time I wouldn't pretend that she wanted to stay but couldn't or that she really misses them. They'll figure out the truth (they already have an idea) and it will be ever harder if they've been disillusioned.
I cried for my mom, too at that age (really until I was 12 or so) even though I knew that she didn't want me. If you're afraid that your kids will be damaged, then look into finding a good, reputable child counselor (check references!).
Best of luck to you. You're definitely one of the good ones. Your kids are lucky to have you. I've always been grateful that my dad was so great. He more than made up for mom not being there. You will too, I have no doubt. Feel free to email anytime if there is anything you need to talk about or anything I can do to help. marannic@yahoo.com
2007-09-23 18:41:06 · answer #6 · answered by Magaroni 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your friends and her son seem like they have been through a lot in the past year, or so. She could be overcompensating for the loss of his father by letting less than stellar behaviour slip by. Perhaps, you can approach it in a manner that supports your friend, rather than belittles her son? Comment that you have noticed changes in his behaviour since his father died - that may open the lines of discussion to where you can gently suggest seeking therapy for the behavioural issues - let her know that there is no shame in seeking help. Also, you could let her know that his behaviour is a little too physical for your liking, or the liking of your kids, and that you want to be able to keep the play friendly and ask her how she would like you to discipline him when she is not around, or agree that aggressive behaviour means that he is immediately sent home - if he wants to play with your kids, he will make the change. As for doing things and not inviting her, you shouldn't feel bad - you have every right to have a family night out without neighbours and friends tagging along! And, if you discuss it as a family night out, I'm sure she will get the hint without being offended. Good luck!
2016-05-17 07:59:53 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all let me tell you how much respect I have for you!! Your an awsome dad and your kids will see that. I have had to deal with the same thing with my sons father. He's there and then he's not. He told my son it was my fault etc so my son believed that. Then with out my knowledge my son called his dad on fathers day. He told my son he would call back. Still hasent. I just told my son that his father was going through some things right now and its not that he doesnt love you or care about you. He's just confused right now. When the times right he will call. Even though I want to go kick his you know what!! There is no excuse for what hes doing to my son I just didnt know what else to say. I dont want to bad mouth him. I just had to convince my son its not his fault and its not my fault. It's hard at that age...my son is 11 as well. Just make sure next time she has contact with them in anyway that its not going to be that one time and then nothing again because then the hurting starts all over for them. Dont let her give them false hopes. You are strong and you need to protect them even from her emotionally hurting them more then she has.
Good luck!!
2007-09-23 21:54:42 · answer #8 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Zig is right _
Don't bad mouth Mom !
Let the Children know just how much you love them and how wonderful they are (they need to know that is -in no way there fault ) and, that you are there for them forever
.That even Daddy's can't explain why someone else does what they do.
They need hope that one day perhaps ,they will see her again. As they grow older more and more they will ask questions and draw there own conclusions. At the moment they need to be sheltered and reassured that they are wanted and that they are loveABLE.
Now more than ever they need the stability of discipline and a good routine.
Try to be a little more understanding for awhile -wow this is a lot for a couple of little Kids to grasp !
It wouldn't hurt to let the teachers at school know what has happened in there lives-the teacher can be one of your best friends right now.
2007-09-23 18:45:13 · answer #9 · answered by Bemo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awww sorry your children have to go thru this...just explain Mommy has to go far away for a little while without getting into too much detail. After a while they will be secure with your love and may not ask as much for her.
I am a single mother - my kids fathers have not wanted to be involved in anything at all - I don't prevent the contact but they just don't want to they are each selfish and only think of themselves. My kids well they don't ask for them nor do I bad mouth them either. The baby recently started asking me when his daddy was going to come home and I just said Daddy lives far away. I reassure them both of how much I love them.
I have always said men are so cold to leave their kids but sometimes when I hear of a mother doing it - well its just heart breaking. Be tough daddy! Love them love them and love them.....
Best of luck to you and your girls.
2007-09-24 03:14:40 · answer #10 · answered by Dee S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you this is what I would say to my children. " Sometimes both parents can't always be around their children" "Mommy needed to move away so she could make a better living for herself" -- you need to just console your children when they cry out for her and tell them that even though she is not here, THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE! Kids need emotional stability! You must make up for the MIA mother. When they are old enough to understand, You should inform them of how their mothers has acted. When the kids are young they dont understand. But the mother should be held accountable later for abandoning her kids.
2007-09-23 18:27:14 · answer #11 · answered by ashley w 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋